


Lift the Veil

by whysterias



Category: D.N. Angel
Genre: Allusions to emotional abuse, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Extremely slow romance, F/M, Friends With Benefits, POV First Person, Somewhat heavy swearing for its rating, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2018-09-17 12:06:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 57,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9322904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whysterias/pseuds/whysterias
Summary: After living in Tokyo for the past six years, she decides to head back to Azumano to escape the big city. However, she now has to face everything that she tried to flee from all those years ago. How exactly will she fare when the pages of a long forgotten book start turning once more?





	1. Sweet Home Alabama

##### Lord, I’m coming home to you…

The mansion felt too big.

After living in cramped studios for the past six years, I felt overwhelmed by the spacious hallways that led into airy, unused rooms. Even my bedroom, with its photograph-filled walls and pink, frilly furniture that belonged in a doll house, felt foreign. Nostalgia radiated from this time capsule, and I had to close the door in fear of my bitter thoughts overcoming whatever sweet ones were left.

After working at the NHK for a few months, I had experienced enough of the cut-throat city life that many of my peers strived in and, driven by stress-induced spontaneity at absurd hours in the morning, moved back to Azumano with after finding an editing job at the local news station. Sure, I loved the glamour of Tokyo, but nothing could compare to the comforts of home. Besides, I hadn’t visited since I left for college, and I terribly missed my family and friends.

Leaving my suitcases in front of my room, I headed back to the foyer where the rest of my things were. I told the movers to keep the boxes there since I was planning on moving them into a relatively empty and unused room for storage until I found my own place to live in. Staring at the pile, I rolled up my sleeves and started to move my things into a nearby room, silently cursing the fact that no one happened to be in the house at the time.

“Risa, what are you doing?”

Startled, I nearly dropped the box in my hands. Turning around, I saw Daisuke, with his hair as unruly as ever, standing before me. Was I really so caught up in moving boxes that I didn’t hear him come in?

“Moving my stuff,” I told him. “Could you…um…help?”

“Y-yeah! Sure!” He carried one of the bigger boxes with ease, and I managed to move everything rather quickly with his help.

“Thanks, Daisuke.” I slumped down to the wall, massaging my sore arms. “What brings you here?”

“Riku told me to get you.” As if on cue, his phone rang. His face blanched when he saw the caller ID, and he gulped before answering the call. I could hear my sister screaming from the other side of the line about punctuality and couldn’t help but laugh at Daisuke’s expression. He tried to explain the situation to Riku, but she hung up before he could even start.

“Risa,” he started while I tried to calm myself down, “we should probably head out soon, or she’ll have both of our heads.”

While nodding and trying to hold back my amusement, Daisuke helped me up, and we left the mansion for the cobblestone streets. The ornate lampposts that dotted the path were, somehow, still there, emitting a warm light that took me back to late nights from cram school. Thankfully, before I could even entertain those memories, Daisuke started asking questions to fill in his six-year blank.

“Why did you go all the way to Tokyo for college?” Daisuke asked. “You were excited to go to university with me and Riku at the beginning of our third-year, so what made you change your mind?”

“I just wanted a change of pace, that’s all. This place carried too many memories, and I wanted to start anew.”

“Running away?” I could see a joking smile on Daisuke’s face. “That’s not like you, Risa.”

“I wasn’t running away!” The smile on Daisuke’s disappeared. “I just…”

Luckily, the trolley stopped before I could answer his question, and I got off before Daisuke could continue to egg me on about my answer. After dating Riku for so long, he picked up some of her mannerisms that I wasn’t fond of: digging out things that I wanted to keep a secret was one of them.

Once we arrived, I spotted our small group of high school friends huddled around a table and laughing. The café, despite its unfortunate christening of Mizuame de Noisette, was a quaint place that would’ve been a great spot for chatting and studying had it been around during high school. However, at the same time, I was relieved that it wasn’t here back then; I was sure there would be too many painful memories associated with “innocuous” small talk amongst the light café noise, ephemeral smiles only the plants were privy to, café fare that—

“Let’s go in, shall we?” Daisuke asked, breaking my train of thought before it could crash and burn.

Nodding, I followed him inside, and the group went wild. Ritsuko jumped me immediately and Saehara, much to my chagrin, stood off to the side with a creepy smirk on his face as he continued to snap pictures. Once Ritsuko let go, Riku hugged me, and I couldn’t help but cry during this reunion.

“Welcome back from the concrete jungle, sis.” She let go and, even in the dim lighting, I could tell that she was tearing up as well.

I laughed, pulling her back into a hug again. Once everyone calmed down, we sat down and ordered our food. It was nice being surrounded by old friends and family, sharing stories of the times that we spent away from each other. During an outrageous story about one of Ritsuko’s exes, I noted that there was an empty seat at the table next to me. Was this for—?

“I’m sorry I’m late.”

Everything seemed to stop after I heard that voice. The bustle of the café and energy of the conversation turned into a blur, and I tried to focus on my chai latté to keep me grounded.

“Long day at work, Chief?”

“It’s always a long day, Takeshi; working overtime is a part of my job description.”

The chair next to me slid back, and I could smell the distinct scent of dry cleaning with a faint hint of smoke, paper, and coffee. I could feel the blood drain from my face. My hands started to shake. I quickly hid them under the table, hoping no one would notice my sudden mood swing.

“Good evening, Harada-san,” Hiwatari greeted. “It’s been a while.”

“Yeah,” I breathed, trying to retain my composure. “Six years to be exact.”

“Did you enjoy your time in Tokyo?”

“Of course.”

He gave a small smile. “As expected.”

Hiwatari then shifted his attention to Ritsuko’s animated storytelling, and I let out a sigh. Not necessarily in relief, but because I had to. After graduation, I hoped that I didn’t have to run into Hiwatari again, but that was impossible considering how close he was to Riku and Daisuke.

“Oh, Chief!” Saehara exclaimed. “Did I tell you? Harada-imouto, here, will be working with me at the station!”

“Really? Is she a brown-nosed reporter like you?”

Reporter? Why would I be a reporter when I was hired as an editor at the local news station?

“You’re too kind, Chief. But she’s actually the new editor that our company hired. She’ll be helping me with my work from now on!”

Wait a minute…

“Well then, it’s a pleasure to begin working with you, Harada-san.”I forced a smile and bowed slightly. 

“Likewise, Hiwatari-san. Excuse me…”

Slipping out of my chair, I left the café to get some fresh air. Once outside, I could feel the sea breeze, smell the salt riding along the wind, and hear the lapping of the waves against the cliff. Looking out towards the ocean, the moon’s distorted reflection moved with the water. As calm as this was, it wasn’t enough to fully escape from Hiwatari’s presence inside.

“Harada-san, huh? Is that how it is?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter titles are songs and the chapter subtitles are lyrics pulled from that song that relate to the chapter.


	2. Ocean Eyes

##### I’m scared; you really know how to make me cry.

My first day back in Azumano, as eventful as it was, couldn’t soften the blow of having to go back to work so soon. After leaving the NHK less than a week ago, I found myself at the Azumano news station the morning after my return home, watching the seniors lackadaisically droop in their respective offices and cubicles.

“Not much of a welcome, huh?” Saehara asked as we passed by a neat table of documents. “Pretty sure you had more fun working in Tokyo. After all, not much happens here anymore, so we’ve resorted to reporting on all these lame stories.” He sighed. “Oh, how I wish Dark Mousy was still around. Pretty sure you do too, deep down inside.”

He winked at me, and I couldn’t help but cringe. Sure, my adolescent self had fallen head over heels for him and yes, somewhere in my head he still fit the image of my ideal man, but bringing him up in that context after ten years?

Saehara, you damage whatever shred of dignity I had left after crawling back here.

We stopped in front of a neat workspace wedged in the middle of messily occupied ones. “This is your cubicle. Make yourself at home and settle in, but don’t sit until your butt leaves an imprint in your chair. We’re headed over to Chief’s to get the deets on anything and everything.”

He winked again, leaving me to my relatively private space. Putting down my box of office supplies, I examined my cubicle once more and smiled. On the shelf, I placed a fake potted flower and a couple of parting gifts from friends back in Tokyo. I hung a couple of photos of me, Riku, Daisuke, and Ritsuko on the wall before arranging the rest of my office supplies. I stood back when I finished, pleased at my personalized touches.

“Oh! That’s nice Harada-imouto,” Saehara complimented, slightly shocking me from his unannounced return. “More plain that I expected it to be, though.”

“Thanks…” I mumbled, grabbing my leather tote and following Saehara out of the dismal news station.

“The police station’s not too far, unless, of course, you’re wearing heels.” He glanced down at my shoes, and I reveled in his expression when he saw the tennis shoes I donned. “Huh. Never thought I’d see the day.”

“Saehara, it would be nice if you didn’t project your condescending opinions about me; it’s childish. And everyone knows working at the police station is fieldwork no matter how far it is from the news station.”

I rendered him speechless from my criticism probably because he expected me to run my infamous tantrums until I ran out of energy. Somehow, I had gotten away with them back in high school but, after being displaced in Tokyo, I quickly learned that they wouldn’t fly in the adult world I had, unfortunately, grown into.

He coughed. “So, you’ve done fieldwork before?”

“It was brutal. Try training in Tokyo and get back to me.” It was my turn to wink, and I couldn’t help but chuckle when Saehara’s face blanched.

“Harada-imouto, I think Tokyo’s made you a force to be reckoned with.”

With my signature hair flip, I shot him the smile that once charmed the entire male population at Azumano High. “Well, I had to toughen up for the big leagues, after all.”

Saehara starting barking and hooting, either trying to pump me up or compliment my change from the delicate flower I was in high school. I kept him going, entertained by his energy, until we walked into the police station and was greeted by a blank-faced Hiwatari holding a cup of coffee.

“So, who let the dogs out so damn early in the morning?” he grumbled, taking a sip of his coffee as his cold eyes bore into Saehara.

“Sorry, Chief. I got caught up in the…spirit?”

“Of annoying me? This station was peaceful until I let you camp out here. Let me remind you that I can kick you out as easily as I let you in.”

“Chief, please, humble my presence for I am a lowly plebian that was allowed to beg for stories by your divine grace.” Saehara bowed and then stood up with a giant smile. Hiwatari returned it as best as he could, and the two of them laughed.

“Anyways, good morning, Harada-san. If you need anything, feel free to ask anyone for assistance.” He waved goodbye before disappearing behind empty cubicles into an office wedged in the far corner of the room. After he slammed his door shut, silence filled the air as I attempted to comprehend what I had just witnessed.

“You two get along?” I asked, awestruck at how Saehara managed to get on Hiwatari’s good side.

“Yeah. We’ve been ever since I started working here. I didn’t realize he was such a swell guy until we went out to drink after work. Even since then, we’ve gotten along.” He smirked. “What? Are you jealous?”

“Of that? Please. Get over yourself.”

While Saehara guffawed, I sat down and opened my laptop, starting to review a couple of stories prepared for today’s broadcast. In the middle of a piece about the health benefits of an Okinawan diet, Saehara slinked away only to come back with two cups of hot drinks, yogurt container, and a bowl of fruit.

“Here.” He handed me one of the drinks. “Chai latté, freshly brewed from your premade, neighborhood coffee machine. And some yogurt and fruit á la fridge de la breakroom. I already had my fair share of donuts during my visit there, so don’t worry about me.”

I blinked. “How did you—”

“I bumped into Chief refilling his mug of coffee. He told me you liked chai lattés and couldn’t eat anything heavy in the morning.” He shifted his seating positing, resting his elbows on his knees while cradling his drink in his hands. “Seems like nothing has changed from high school; even now, he’s still looking after you.”

A frown settled on my face as I mixed my yogurt and fruit together. “He’s just being courteous to the newcomer; that’s all,”

“Huh.” He didn’t say anymore, downing his drink before I could express concern over whether his mouth and throat were okay from chugging something that hot that quickly, and hopped up from his seat with his trusty steno pad and pen in his hands. Walking away, he talked to himself about plans to pester the squad until he squeezed every last story, interesting or not, out of them.

I shook my head, astonished that Saehara was still his busy-body self that dotted my high school experience. Taking a spoonful of yogurt, I returned to proofread the files piling up inside my inbox.

…

“Here.”

On the coffee table in front of me, Saehara placed a paper bag that smelled oddly like Italian. He took out a small container, handing it to me along with a plastic utensil set.

“What’s the occasion?” I asked, removing the container’s lid and seeing a huge serving of carbonara nestled in its plastic abode. As much as I loved this dish, anything smothered in cream-based sauces was too heavy for me. Funny, since I loved them as a high schooler, but living by myself and becoming gravely conscious of my health (and my already slowing metabolism, much to my dismay) changed my preferences in food.

“Your first day on the job. It’s about as good as a welcome as you’re going to get.” He slurped his spaghetti as if he hasn’t eaten in a week, and I felt my face instinctively distort in disgust.

“Thanks, but I feel less welcome after watching you eat like that.” I swirled some of the pasta before enjoying this nostalgic taste. “You’re not going to get a woman with those table manners.”

He smirked, continuing to scarf down his food probably to spite me. “Just because you don’t like the way I eat doesn’t mean my honey agrees with you.”

Too preoccupied with my food, I didn’t pay much attention to his gloating tone and the words that accompanied it. They finally hit me after I polished off my carbonara. Astonished that Saehara, of all people, managed to find and keep a girlfriend, I returned to my laptop and edited the day away, keeping an eye out for the man so that I could grill him for more information. (Hopefully, that conversation doesn’t last long enough for Saehara to pry into my dry well of a love life.)

He returned maybe an hour or two later, tearing a piece of paper from his steno pad, placing it next to my laptop plopping onto the couch and sighing.

“Missing your honey?”

“I’m always missing her.” He sighed again. “Chief’s only got petty crimes to report. They’re not much of a story unless you want to cover bullying in our local schools.”

“Maybe we could do a small story about rampant bullying in our education system? It’s not much of a report, but it’s at least some type of filler.”

Saehara groaned. “Maybe. But I don’t want to be in charge of something as lame as that! I need something with more pizzazz!”

“You could always sensationalize it.”

“And ruin my credibility? Harada-imouto, I’ve told the truth and nothing but the truth ever since I started down this path.”

I stopped typing, raising my eyebrow at him. He shot me a displeased expression and, wholly amused, I returned to my work with a smile on my face. To think that I would not only work with Saehara but also enjoy his company was something my younger self could never bring herself to imagine.

“So, ‘truth-teller,’ tell me about this girlfriend of yours.”

He shook his head at the sarcasm dripping from my tone, but I saw his expression lighten and his eyes glimmer once he got over my sass. God, the poor boy was smitten.

“Akane Himawari: the happy sunflower of my life. I met her at a café I frequented back in college, and she always had her nose in a book. We became friends when I grew the balls to actually talk to her. Didn’t have the guts to move any further than that, so we graduated, and I was no closer to her than I was when I first chatted her up…”

To think that the obnoxious Saehara would actually give a girl he was courting her space was unbelievable. He paused his story and shot me a puzzled expression.

“What are you judging me for now?”

“You did get closer to her, you idiot. You two became friends.”

He rolled his eyes. “If you had waited for me to finish like any respectable human being would’ve, I was going to tack ‘romantically’ after that. Anyways, once I became friends with Chief, we met up at that same café once, and I saw her furiously typing at her computer.

“According to Chief, I wouldn’t shut up about her, so he gave me that look—you know, the one where he’s fed up with your idiocy—before telling me that I was in love with this girl, and that I needed to _carpe diem_ , or I may never get the chance to ever ask her out again. Needless to say, we’ve been dating ever since.”

“Cute,” I grumbled, trying to hide my disdain at Hiwatari’s mention.

“What? Jealous you don’t have a boyfriend?”

“Sure. Let’s go with that.”

Howling with laughter, he got up with gumption, bouncing away in search of some hidden gem. I shook my head, both entertained and disgusted at the sight of such a love-sick person before returning back to my laptop and escaping from my reality.

…

“I’ll be heading off now!”

“See you tomorrow.”

He waved goodbye, walking out with his messenger bag slung over his slouched shoulders. Outside, the sun started setting, hiding behind the trees and buildings in my line of sight. Knowing how still Azumano became once darkness settled in, the sunset would turn the police station into a ghost town. I still had some stories I had to skim through before the broadcast, so I decided to stay put until Captain said they were ready. I also needed to type up Saehara’s list and see what we could squeeze from it but, after glancing at it earlier, it was terribly dry. At least the station was quiet enough to let me focus.

I didn’t notice that night had fallen until Hiwatari snapped me away from my laptop. “You’re still here?”

Looking up, I saw him, with this trademark poker face, holding a suitcase. My eyes quickly darted from Hiwatari to the night-shift behind him, silently cooped up in their tiny cubicles with their eyes void of energy or happiness. I couldn’t blame them; if I were in their position, I’d probably die a little each time I had to stay up all night watching the clock flit by as I did nothing.

“Work.”

He nodded, and I expected him to leave with a simple farewell. But he sat next to me on the couch, pulling out a novel ( _Norwegian Wood_ by Haruki Murakami: the book that kept me afloat during my first two years at college) and casually reading. If I had to deal with his conspicuous presence any longer than I had to, it would drive me insane. Pulling out my headphones, I turned on my music to distract myself from his slender fingers gingerly flipping through pages that held words dear to me.

When I finally finished, I started packing my stuff quickly, trying to flee before Hiwatari said something or tried to stop me.

“Done?” he asked, looking up from the book.

I silently nodded, hating how courteous I was towards him. He closed the novel, placing it in his bag before standing up, his face as empty as ever.

“Are you hungry, Harada-san?”

“I’m fine, thank you.”

I was about to head for the door when I felt a warm hand gently touch my arm. Whipping my head around, I saw Hiwatari’s face. His concern screamed with the slant of his eyebrows, the shine in his eyes and the outline of his lips—

“Risa, please, I insist.”

Taking a deep breath, I brushed his hand off me. “Hiwatari-san, please call me Harada-san.”

I rushed out the door, hoping that the cool night air would calm me down. But I spent the walk home hearing the heavy pounding of my heart, trying not to let my swirling emotions prevent me from enjoying my evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so Takeshi seriously needs more love. He's probably my favorite character to write out of all of them. (Yes, even more so than the main couple.) And his interactions with said main couple are wonderful. Anyhow, Risa's job is based off of the jobs they have in the k-drama Pinocchio.


	3. What is a Youth?

##### A rose will bloom. It then will fade…so does a youth.

I found myself sitting on a bench under the cherry blossoms, wholly disconnected from the hubbub surrounding me. With my diploma resting on my lap, I watched my peers say their farewells at this branching point towards our own futures.

Later that day, I had a one-way train ticket to Tokyo without the comforting presence of family and friends. I already had my living arrangement and furnishing set up in advance, so all I had to bring were suitcases stuffed with clothes and other miscellaneous necessities.

Behind a crowd of crying girls, I spotted the Niwa family laughing and chatting with my parents as they watched Riku and Daisuke interact in their little microcosm. Hiwatari stood in the midst of the elderly fray, with his light-blue hair standing out amongst the peppered-blacks and varying shades of red and brown, looking upon the blushing duo with that serious expression of his. He then stared through me—not at me, _through_ me—before returning to the scene in front of him 

If the last month didn’t unravel as horribly as it did, I would’ve been with the group, most likely standing next Hiwatari and still living in blissful denial. But reality ruined that ignorance, leaving me in that same, pathetic state I was after Dark disappeared four years ago.

Knowing that my parents and their company would stay under the cherry blossoms a little longer before heading out to eat somewhere, I left, disgusted with the happiness that unfolded before me. Once home, I turned off my phone and grabbed my luggage before marching towards the train station, finally escaping this stifling town.

…

I walked into the police station the next morning, greeted by Hiwatari and Saehara chatting about…society’s odd fascination with romance, and the difficult quest to find our soulmates and other halves? Seeing me enter, Saehara shot up a hand in greeting. Hiwatari, on the other hand, grabbed his coffee and slightly bowed to me before disappearing into his office 

“What’s in the tote?” Saehara asked, eyeing the bag hanging off the crook of my arm.

“Patience, my young grasshopper.”

He frowned, leaving his spot to roam around the station. I grabbed a protein shake out of my bag, sipping on it as I read through the stories for today’s broadcasts.

The morning went by quickly, characterized by Saehara’s coming and going with food, drinks, or his trusty steno pad. Sometimes, Hiwatari would emerge from his burrow, passing by with his trademark expression before slinking back to his office looking slightly fatigued and irritated. The lengthy social interactions he had with his force probably bogged him down. Pair that with Saehara’s constant pestering, and the Commissioner, who needed alone time to recover his energy just as much as he needed caffeine to ward off his chronic migraines, had more than enough stress piling on his already overflowing plate.

After spending so many hours studying with Hiwatari as he worked on his case reports, I became acquainted with his habits fairly quickly.

When lunch came around, and Saehara returned with a renewed interest in my tote bag, I pulled out a bento and handed it to him. “In thanks for yesterday,” I said, opening the lid to my own.

“Harada-imouto, I don’t want to die prematurely.”

“You wound me, Saehara. I’ve become a pretty good cook after living alone for a couple of years.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.” He took a bite, slowly nodding his head. “Not as delicious as my honey’s, but it’s better that anything you could’ve ever attempted in high school.”

“Thanks for the biased compliment,” I muttered, eliciting a laugh from him.

We talked about Akane, saying that I had to try her food at least once in my life. He called her up right there, luckily during her lunch break, and he promised me a homemade bento courtesy of his lovely honey tomorrow. Once Saehara finished his bento, he jumped up from the sofa and rushed over to Hiwatari’s office to squeeze whatever stories he could.    

I returned to my laptop, passing the afternoon by skimming through stories and snacking. Eventually, Saehara left for the day and I, deciding not to risk having another encounter with Hiwatari, packed up and followed suit.

The cool evening, accompanied by a light breeze, was a nice change from the stuffy, air-conditioned inside of the police station. The setting sun dyed everything around me a subtle orange, and the tension I had unconsciously bottled up slowly dissipated with each passing step.

When I reached the news station, I expected the pre-broadcast rush that stressed me out so much back at NHK. However, the station still held the lazy atmosphere from yesterday morning even with the encroaching deadline.

I settled into my cubicle, half-focused on my work and half-listening to my coworkers whispering about me. Some of them wondered why someone as accomplished as me would work in some uneventful small town on Hokkaido’s northern shores. Others wondered if a pretty lady like me really was as “accomplished” as I claimed to be or why I exerted so much effort into such menial work.

Back in Tokyo, it took me a while to overcome by shock at how shamelessly ruthless people could be in front of the people they were gossiping about. After leaving my sheltered life in Azumano, reality slapped me until I could no longer feel my face and, as a result, I had to whip myself into shape just to cope with the cruelty of the competitive, working world.

Once I finished, stretching my legs and arms after another productive day, Riku texted me saying that we had company over for dinner. I wished she told me who exactly they were so I could present myself accordingly, but I decided not to ruin the evening-after-work and bought a small cake from a bakery on the way home. If no one dug into it, I would just have more to enjoy whenever I had a sleepless night or wanted to gorge on sweets to brighten up my day.

After work shaped my life into a relatively monotonous routine, I finally came to appreciate the small things here and there.

When I got home, I headed towards the kitchen, seeing Daisuke talking to Riku with flutes of white wine in their hands. Next to them, unfortunately, stood Hiwatari, current bane of my existence, shuffling around with his hands in his pockets.

The appetite I worked up on the way home, especially after forcing myself to refrain from buying some freshly-baked bread, disappeared, and I could feel the fatigue from the long workday settle in too quickly for my tastes. All I had to do was place the cake in fridge. After that, I could excuse myself by saying that I wasn’t feeling well, avoiding the added stress from interacting with Hiwatari and getting some well-deserved rest.

“Hey, Risa,” Daisuke greeted. “How was work?”

“Tiring,” I briefly replied, leaving the bag of empty bento boxes next to the sink before putting the cake in the fridge. “What about you? How’s work at the museum?”

“Interesting.” He laughed. “It reminds me of the good old days.”

“Ready for dinner?” Riku asked.

“Not really,” I told her. “I’m not feeling well, so I was planning on getting some rest. I’ll probably eat later.”

“And miss the lovely meal I prepared for you with wine? And your dessert with tea?”

“At least eat a little to put something in your stomach,” Hiwatari advised with his lips pursed in concern.

“I’m fine,” I grumbled harshly, leaving the trio in the kitchen.

Slamming my bedroom door closed, I collapsed on my bed, blankly staring at the photos plastered on my way, illuminated by the slivers of streetlight filtering through the lights.

Damn bastard.

…

I spent the past couple of hours in the dark, browsing available apartments near work. They were relatively cheap and not too far from both the news and police stations, but their layouts were boring, and I could care less about the view of rectangular, concrete buildings. I wanted a nice place, maybe close to that café, with a wonderful view of the ocean and the sunlight constantly filtering in throughout the day. It’d be worth the commute to work, but the price…

I heard a knock on my door and before I could even react, it swung open. My body tensed up, afraid that Hiwatari would come in, but the lights turned on, and Riku stood at the doorway holding a tray of food.

“You’re going to go blind doing that,” she scolded.

I shrugged. “Didn’t stop me throughout college.”

She placed the tray in front of me, playfully shoving me before sitting down on my bed. “What were you doing?”

“Looking for apartments to move into ASAP.”

Riku gasped. “I didn’t realize you hated me that much!”

I laughed before eating a forkful of her lemon-buttered fish complemented with a squash medley. Basking in my sister’s cooking, I downed the bite with some white wine, feeling my energy slowly coming back to me.

“I don’t know. I guess I feel out of place living here.”

“How could you?"

I shook my head. “You wouldn’t understand since you spent college with Daisuke practically by your side. And Hiwatari-san, Mom, and Dad were less than an hour away.”

Riku raised an eyebrow, slowly leaning towards me with a mischievous smile. Shit, what’s she going to ask me about?

“Hiwatari-san? What happened to those nicknames you guys called each other? What were they again…oh yeah! S—”

“Don’t you dare!” I interrupted, lightly slapping her shoulder for bringing that up. She grinned. “But you’ve just make my point: things have changed since I left.”

“Of course they have! Did you think everything would be the same when you’ve been gone for six years?”

“Of course not! I’m not that dumb.” I pouted from Riku’s lack of faith in me, but she just laughed. I waited for the jovial mood to die down before continuing, staring at my hands that lightly grasped the silverware. “But I can’t stay in this house, in this room: it’s dysphoric. It feels like I’ve come back to that life I shed when I headed off to college, picking up exactly where I left off. God, Riku, it’s sickening.”

I finished my food in silence, not bothering to stare at Riku. I didn’t want to see the pity on her face or the pain from trying to understand a sister that had literally dropped off the face of her world six years ago without even a simple goodbye. The photos in my room haunted me with happy memories that only worsened my return; it was a stark reminder of what I no longer had.

“Is this why you left for Tokyo as soon as you could?” she asked, with an uncanny shakiness in her tone. “So that you could run away from that life?”

“Sure. We can go with that.”

“Risa, what exactly happened during that last month of school? You—”

“Please, let’s keep the past in the past, okay?”

It was hypocritical for me to say that considering the past still had me in its vice grip to this day, but I couldn’t bear to talk to Riku about it. I looked at her, remembering that this was the exact same expression she had when she found me in the shower, curled up in fetal position while trying to wail the pain away. If she kept that on her face for any longer, I knew I would’ve started crying. Riku looked like she was on the verge of tears too and, somehow pulling through for both of us, shot me a smile before rubbing my arm in comfort.

“Well, whenever you want to tackle that past, remember that you don’t have to do it alone, okay? We’re all here for you.” She hugged me before leaving my room with my empty tray.

Feeling a tug at my heart, I knew that she was crying downstairs. Just the image of her, with tears silently running down her face while washing the dishes, hurt so much. Despite the six years away from Azumano, I found solace in knowing that not much has changed between me and Riku, but that familiarity was too weak to keep me sane in this mansion.

Trying to get my mind off that and keep the creeping sadness at bay, I returned to my phone, browsing to find what would be my new home.

…

2 AM.

I had work in a couple of hours, yet I found myself wide awake. I read some _tanka_ , trying to calm my mind with the succinct poems filled with descriptions of nature that lent to their usually romantic tone but even that didn’t work.

Leaving my room, I headed to the kitchen in hopes of leftover cake in the fridge. Not that I should be snacking this late/early, but maybe the cold dessert could lull me into lethargy.

Back in high school, while I struggled to study for tests or entrance exams through the dead hours of night, I always found myself on the kitchen floor, snacking while I stayed on the phone. I would weave in and out of periods of conversational chatter and silence accompanied by the background noise of my study music playlist of instrumental music that somehow helped me stay awake instead of putting me to sleep.

Sometimes, Riku would find me in the morning, cradling my phone in the middle of a mess of snacks and paper. Other times, usually on weekends, my parents would find me at the dining table, pulling an all-nighter after spending so much time chatting with the person on the other end of the line. They thought I was crazy; looking back on it now, I regretted the amount of sleep I sacrificed for something so pointless, but I was a stupid teenager who didn’t know any better.

Six years later, I still think that I really didn’t know any better coming back here.

Opening the fridge, I saw a slice of cake cradled in its bubble of saran wrap and settled onto the dining table ready to dig in. After one spoonful, I was convinced that this was a worthwhile decision.

For a second, I imagined it: eating my cake at 2 AM with three other conspirers, sneaking out of our respective rooms to chat the night away. My parents let Hiwatari and Daisuke sleep here, but rules were rules, and after lights out, the boys and girls were to retreat into their own rooms. Yet, being young and rebellious, we’d wreck quiet havoc in the wee hours of the night.

Finishing my cake, and knowing that there was no way I would be able to get back to sleep, I cleaned up after myself, sat on the floor, and turned on that same study playlist, daydreaming the night away until the sun peaked over the clouds, greeting me with a good morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't you just love the melodrama? Because, really, if you're reading SatoRisa, you KNOW that there's going to be melodrama. (And seriously like...the tags of this fic? Let's be real here; there's going to melodrama EVERYWHERE.)


	4. Sunday Morning

#####  _But things just get so crazy; living life gets hard to do._

Several months after moving to Tokyo, during a fit of desperation to find an isolated place where I could think and escape from the energy of the big city. I stumbled upon a small cemetery hidden in the shade of a skyscraper. And every Sunday morning, instead of staying in bed or heading to church, I’d slip into an unappealing yet comfortable ensemble and navigate the dawn-colored concrete jungle to my place of respite.

Even though I had no reason to visit anyone there, I felt at home amidst all the graves. Back in Azumano, I dropped by the cemetery on Sunday afternoons to visit Grandma Rika or the enigmatic Rio Hikari, and I probably started to associate the calm my visitations brought with cemeteries. Odd, I knew, for a young woman to find solace in a place like this, but quaint cafés reminded me of simple yet meaningful rendezvous, and the Shinjuku Gyoen National Garden was forever tied to _The Garden of Words,_ a movie hit too close for comfort.  

Sometimes, I’d bring a book with me (Sugaru Miaki’s works filled most of my memories shaded under the cherry tree. Although technically not of literary merit, I found his ideas fresh, and his prose relatable to a young adult struggling with her past). Other times, especially when no one was around, I’d talk to the grave au jour and carry on one-sided conversations that helped me cope during those stressful years.

With Biito-san, I’d talk to her about my newfound love for Japanese literature, and the excited stories I’d discovered printed on mere paper. Misaki-san kindly listened to my typical girl and college problems and, for those brief hours, I’d channel the Risa I left in Azumano. And lastly, whenever Kiryuu-san’s ghostly son wasn’t visiting, I’d talk to him about current events, cultivating the worldliness that sprouted from living in Tokyo.

However, once I graduated and started working at one of the many cram schools dotting the cramped streets of Tokyo, I no longer had the time or energy to head to the cemetery. My job, despite its good pay, had ridiculous hours catered to desperate students aiming for their dream schools. And once I started my internship at NHK, I had to say goodbye to whatever sliver of a life I had left. Whenever I miraculously had free time, I’d grab a couple of beers (Duvel, Stella Artois, or Belle Vue Kriekbier depending on my mood) and linger in the cemetery until closing time, downing energy drinks and miso soup from the corner store to slightly sober up before heading home. On most days, however, I barely had time to myself: I’d spend the whole day editing stories, leaving only a couple of hours for me to freshen up and sleep before starting my day all over again if I was lucky enough to even head home. There was always something to report somewhere, so I often found myself holed up in my cubicle either editing away or in meetings to help refine the stories and contribute to the broadcast’s schedule.

And, for whatever reason, I woke up one day at 3 AM with the grandest idea of abandoning my stressful lifestyle to head back to Azumano and re-open Pandora’s box. Honestly, I should’ve just transferred to Sapporo instead.

…

“Risa! Wake up!”

Retreating under my covers, I tried to block out Riku’s booming voice and the obnoxious sunlight filtering in through the opened blinds. Even though I loved mornings, I’d rather come to consciousness of my own accord instead of having someone else do it for me.

“We’re going out for Sunday brunch!”

I mumbled, hoping that she would get the hint and leave me alone. After treating myself to some well-deserved beers last night, I wanted to have a quiet day all to myself to wrap up my first weekend back in Azumano. Apparently, even that was too much to ask for.

“We’re leaving without you!”

Rolling around under the covers, I silently hoped that she would leave me alone soon. Once I left Azumano, I quickly abandoned my family’s Sunday tradition of going out for brunch. I liked to say that college simply ate up most of my time and, while that was mostly true, I just couldn’t bear to have my brunch end. Even something as menial as that became tainted.

Hearing a sigh of defeat and my door close, I popped out from under my sheets, irritated that I was too awake to easily fall back to sleep. Grabbing my phone, I checked the time and, after realizing that I was awake on a Sunday morning with absolutely no obligations, I jumped out of bed, deciding that it was a good day to go visit the cemetery.

After all, I hadn’t visited my grandmother since I’d left. She deserved my company after such a long absence.

…

The baristas took forever to prepare my latté macchiato, and I could see the bouquet I had just bought already wilting, but the negativity stirring inside faded away when I found myself at a delightfully empty cemetery. People usually visited throughout the day, so there was always someone around whenever I would visit the cemetery with Hiwatari after mass every week.

When I arrived at Grandma’s grave, with everything I needed in tow, I noticed that it was clean. My parents and Riku only visited during holidays, so I knew it couldn’t be them, but I didn’t want to entertain the possible identity of Grandma’s other visitor.

I started tidying up the grave, starting from the top and working my way down. I didn’t have to do much since it was practically spotless, so I finished off my quick work by sprinkling some water around her headstone. After replacing the dried flowers with new ones and lighting an incense stick, I clapped my hands and closed my eyes.

_Hi, Grandma. I’m sorry that I haven’t visited in a while. Tokyo’s been keeping me._ I paused. _Rude of me, isn’t it?_

The breeze blew by. _Tokyo was…different. And difficult. It was a good break from Azumano, but there’s nothing like home, as they say, even if the sea air messes up my hair and makes me nauseated at times._

I sighed. _College was…consuming, especially since I majored in both Japanese Literature and Journalism. I spent so much time fussing over grades and studying than hanging out with friends, but those years were memorable nonetheless. My independence taught me a lot of things about myself I wouldn’t have learned if I went to college with Riku and Daisuke and stayed close to home like I originally planned, so I’m kind of glad that I went despite it all._

Amongst the sea breeze, I could hear grass crunching underneath someone’s steps: another visitor arrived. _Since I couldn’t get an internship at a news station when I graduated, I worked at a cram school which was terrible because the pay didn’t justify my ridiculous hours. After a year of that torture, I got an internship at NHK before they decided to hire me as a full-time editor. I barely got sleep and rarely went home, but at least I was productive._

_And, knowing me and my inability to stay fixated on something for long, I decided that I had had enough of chasing my dream and moved back here. I love home, don’t get me wrong, but this wasn’t a wise choice, but I already followed through with this plan; I just have to deal with the consequences._

Opening my eyes, I looked at the incense. A good amount still needed to burn, so I sat by her grave and pulled out a book ( _Woman on the Other Shore_ by Mitsuyo Kakuta. I thought it was fitting for my return to the past), waiting for the incense to crumble to ashes before heading back home.

“Harada-san?”

Looking up from the book, I saw Hiwatari hovering above me, holding a bucket of water and a grocery bag with incense and flowers sticking out of it. He also had a messenger bag slung across his chest and, compared to his kempt image at work, donned a baggy grey sweater and wrinkled khakis. And his hair was a mess. 

While I found this image of Hiwatari slightly amusing, I was more concerned with what he had in his hands.

“What…are you doing?” I cautiously asked, dog-earing my page before putting the book back in my bag and standing up. 

“Visiting.”

“Someone you’ve never met?”

“It had become a habit after high school.” 

I scowled at him, but he didn’t seem to notice as he set down the bucket and grocery bag. Since I had already cleaned it, he splashed some water around before adding his bouquet of baby breaths to my flowers and lighting some incense for her. He closed his eyes, sharing a conversation that only he and the Heavens were privy to.

“Thank you,” I grumbled. “For coming to see her so often.” 

He only nodded since he wasn’t done talking to Grandma. When he finished, he shot me a careful smile. “Since I visit my mother quite often, I started to gravitate here as well after you left. There’s no need to thank me.”

I nodded, and an awkward silence filled the air. Even though I wanted to escape, Hiwatari’s recent incense addition would keep me here longer than I wanted to. My book would keep me good company, but I didn’t want to be around Hiwatari any more than I needed to.

“Have you dropped by my mother’s grave?” 

I frowned, trying to word my reply in a way that didn’t seem scathingly rude. Although Hiwatari had done enough to warrant my attitude, Rio Hikari was innocent and didn’t deserve my wrath and disrespect. “No…I thought it would be weird for me to visit since I’m a stranger to her.”

“She’d appreciate the company.” _Because you were the only one that would come and visit her besides me._  

The unsaid context made me shiver. I didn’t want to face the cold truth of Rio Hikari’s practically non-existent legacy. The only other person who visited her besides Hiwatari was his adoptive father, but Mr. Kei magically disappeared when _Kokuyoku_ was sealed away, and I only tagged along with Hiwatari back then because I didn’t want to spend my Sunday afternoons alone at home. Riku and Daisuke never came along since the couple would go off on a date after brunch. And despite the Niwa family’s loving acceptance of Hiwatari after Kei practically bailed, they would never visit his mother’s grave; they were still quite cold regarding matters involving the Hikari family.

Sighing, I grabbed a white rose from Grandma’s bouquet before heading towards the modest grave of Rio Hikari. Hiwatari followed suit, his hands in his pockets as he tried to focus on anything but me. I placed the single rose amongst the cluster of baby breaths, lighting some incense that Hiwatari gave me for her before clapping my hands together and closing my eyes.

_Hi, Hikari-san. It’s…awkward speaking to you after everything. Six years later, and I’m still burdened by it. It’s kind of pathetic considering that you had the strength to endure your family’s burdens up until your death, but I’m still hurting from it._ I took a deep breath, pursing my lips as I regretted my thoughts. _Anyhow, it was nice talking you to again. I hope you’re doing well, and I’ll maybe visit sometime soon…_

“Thank you.”

I turned to face Hiwatari, knowing full well the weight of his words when I saw his expression. I made a living by reading between the lines, and I hated how I could never take anything by its face-value.

“I’m going to check on the incense at Grandma’s grave. Goodbye.” 

I hastily passed by him, heading back to Grandma’s grave and hoping that the incense was nearly burned out. The faint thrum of a headache vibrated through my head, and I knew that I had to get out of here to destress before things got ugly.

After for what seemed like forever and a half, I finally fled the cemetery and somehow found myself at Mizuame de Noisette. Walking inside, I smiled at the rustic interior and the light chatter, and I could feel my stress floating away.

The menu, hanging behind the cashier, had neatly scrawled chalk describing the French-named food with succinct description in Japanese. I couldn’t help but laugh at the outlandish names; had this been around back in high school, I would’ve already had a ball ordering the foods, childishly indulging myself as some French trendsetter.

I got a simple Mille Feuille and rose-accented earl grey and settled into a seat by the window before pulling out the novel I started earlier, plowing through it while mindlessly snacking away. Once I finished my book, the sun had already set, and the evening crowd started trickling in, enjoying the specialty cocktails they served at night.

I probably had dinner waiting for me when I returned home, but I didn’t want to go back. This was me escaping that cage, running away from everything home stood for to me in some form of half-assed rebellion coming several years too late, so I rushed back up to the cashier, swiping my phone quickly for an order of a lychee cocktail. Back in my seat, I waited for my drink to arrive before downing it and ordering another one. Eventually, after god knows how many drinks, someone started heading for my table to drop off the Cosmopolitan I ordered.

His long, blond hair had taken me aback. Not that I liked my men with long, blonde hair, but Azumano lacked Tokyo’s crazy fashion scene. Only after staring at him for a while longer did I realize that he looked oddly like Krad.

“Krad?" 

He turned his attention towards me as he placed my drink on the table, and I couldn’t contain my gasp at his kind features. Even with the sharp edges of his face, I could see an uncanny gentleness almost reminiscent of Hiwatari.

“May I help you, ma’am?” he asked. His voice, something I remembered as booming and vindictive, seemed to hum like a car engine coming to life before a morning commute. 

“What happened to Hiwatari?” 

The question came out before I could fully comprehend its weight. There was no point in asking the demon that hated Hiwatari since birth and that, although vanquished all those years ago, probably still haunted him to this day.

In the innocent setting of the café and illuminated by the warm lighting above, his demonic features shone. His mouth curled into a snarl and those eyes, previously filled with innocent curiosity, radiated with malice. The tray he held dropped to the floor as his hand seized my neck.

I struggled, trying to pry him off, to no avail. None of the other café patrons seemed to notice, even as my drink plummeted to the ground, spilling and shattering in a grand display. He pushed my table and chair away, and they luckily landed in a vacant space with a loud clatter.

Pulling me up off the floor, he leaned in. I could feel his breath, heaving like a bull about to charge. “Why as a stupid question like that, _girl_?” His last word dripped with venom. “You know as well as I do that it was you. You happened to Hiwatari. You…”

I’d heard these words countless times before. This speech, in its entirety, bounced around my head during even the most menial of tasks back then. And, unfortunately, these were the only words that resounded through my head when everything fell through in that very moment. Even when it—

“Ma’am?”

A warm hand shook me awake, and I came to in front of a _café noisette_ and what seemed like a bag of leftover bread. 

“We’re closing now. Here’s some things to help you sober up. And don’t worry about the price; they’re on the house.” 

“Thank you…” I mumbled, downing the drink even though I wasn’t fond of coffee. It was bitter, of course, but it had a nice finish. And it was a good wake-me-up.

“Do you need a ride home, ma’am?”

I got out of my seat and managed to walk around without stumbling. “No thanks,” I said, glad that I sobered up enough to not look like a pathetic drunkard after passing out. “I’m sorry for the trouble. Thank you for everything, and I hope you have a nice night.”

After stepping out of the café, I opened the bag of bread and started munching on whatever I fished out. I glanced at my watch, noting how late it was before returning to my basic mindset of eating while heading home.

“Harada-san!”

Despite hearing my name, I kept marching on as a buzzed woman with a one-track mind, determined to eat this delicious bread on her journey home. So much so that I didn’t care about the familiar mop of periwinkle approaching me. 

“Harada-san!”

Even with the repeated yelling of my name, I continued to lackadaisically go my merry way, this time nibbling on what seemed like the top of a brioche bread bowl. Even though I was physically functional, my mental state was far from sober.

“Harada-san, do you know what time it is? Your family is worried about you.”

Had I been in my right state of mine, I would’ve told him that, as an adult, I did not need my family worrying about my whereabouts no matter the time before rushing back home before he could get another word in. However, since I was too busy wondering about the origins of the new piece of bread I had already eaten half of, I was too preoccupied to acknowledge Hiwatari’s presence or the fact that he, of all people, was looking for me.

Finding me unresponsive, he simply sighted, pulling out his phone to briefly call someone—Riku, I realized after returning to this memory without the effects of alcohol in my system—before sighing and accompanying me home in awkward silence. At my front door, my parents showered him with thanks before turning to me, puzzled at my odd expression and the sight of me munching on bread.

“Sorry it took so long,” he apologized, slightly bowing. Despite my intoxication, I noticed his labored breathing that he somehow hid. Not well enough apparently to go unnoticed by my drunken me, but I unfortunately had an eye for detail, even under the influence. 

“No, it’s fine.” Both Riku and my parents bowed. “Thank you for going out of your way.” Once my parents stood up, glad that their wayward daughter returned safely, retreated to their bedroom. “Where did you find her?” 

“Mizuame de Noisette, clearly intoxicated but somehow cognizant and conscious to some degree.” 

“What? Why would she—” 

“Sorry to interrupt, Riku, but it is late. And we do have work tomorrow.” With another shallow bow and a wave goodbye, Hiwatari left without a fuss.

Riku closed the door behind me, sighing as she led me to my room. “Getting drunk on a Sunday evening? Really? Are you still in college?”

“Nope, but this bread is really good.”

She sighed again. “I was worried that you’d do something stupid, especially after our talk a couple of nights ago. And you did, but what did I expect?” 

“Why didn’t you just come and look for me?” I stared at her, eyes wide awake and alert.

She blinked, shocked at my sudden composure, as if my dopey attitude a couple of seconds was a mere façade. It wasn’t, of course, but the rage of Hiwatari finding me that vulnerable briefly overrode my overwhelming urge to wobble like a penguin and smile like a schmuck. 

“I looked around earlier at some places closer to home since I didn’t want to leave Mom and Dad alone for too long. I called Dai to help, but it seemed like he had his hands tied, so I was left with calling Satoshi, who hung up the moment I said that you weren’t home.”

Sighing, I couldn’t stay angry at her. Our parents were growing old, and our mother was harder to handle with that sensitive heart of hers. Daisuke’s business couldn’t be helped since he had a rambunctious family and was the Azumano’s Museum of Fine Arts curator. However, Hiwatari’s immediate reaction to my disappearance unsettled me. 

Deciding to move this conversation to more interesting grounds, I smirked with another piece of bread in my hands on a straight course to its slow and soggy death. “So, when are you and Daisuke getting married?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you get the references, I will love you forever. For now, have what I feel is a somewhat important, yet kind of redundant chapter.


	5. War of My Life

##### I’ve got a hammer and a heart of glass; I got to know right now which walls to smash.

Waving goodbye to Saehara, I left the police station feeling energized with the noon sun on my skin. Ritsuko stood outside, dressed in a fashionable ensemble that she complemented with a designer handbag. She smiled before somehow managing to run towards me in her heels to give me a hug.

“How’ve you been?” she asked excitedly as she let go of me.

“Good,” I replied as we started walking towards the café that was, according to her, to die for. She reminded me of my high school self, back when she was level-headed and I was the hyperactive one more in touch with my girly side. I supposed owning and managing a couple of high-end boutiques does that to someone. “Work’s been easy, and it’s nice being back home. What about you?”

“I’m great!” she exclaimed with an enthusiasm for life that I no longer had. “The boutiques have been doing well, and the suppliers are wondering if I can extend the market to a bigger city like Sapporo!”

“Really?”

“Yup! I get a lot of customers who come by the boutiques since a lot of our better merchandise is marked as store-exclusives.” She smiled. “Honestly, I didn’t realize I’d have this much fun working with the fashion industry. When my friend decided to rope me into entrepreneurship, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into.”

“Wasn’t it hard?”

“Of course! I nearly quit in the beginning since I was selling unknown brands from a tiny little boutique, but one regular turned into several regulars who attracted more upcoming designers which, in turn, brought more regulars, leading me to where I am today. It’s amazing to see how far everyone I’ve worked with has come, and seeing all my hard work paying off has been the biggest reward for me!”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“Well, what about you?” she asked. “Don’t you like what you’re doing?”

I paused, unsure of how to actually respond to her question. Once upon a time, I had big plans on becoming a news anchor, completely obsessed with the fact that I’d become famous in my own right by showing up on TV every day. I settled on editing being my entry job simply because I was relatively decent with writing and grammar but, somewhere along the way, I became attached to books. Even though I still aimed to be a news anchor, I now had to determine whether I kept that goal because I really wanted to become one or because it was my childhood dream.

“Yeah,” I finally answered, trying to hide the small crisis that innocent question brought. “Working in Tokyo was too much, so I decided to move back here. The workload is nothing compared to my last job, but it still keeps me preoccupied for most of the day.”

She nodded, staying silent as if waiting for me to elaborate as much as she did. However, before she could say something to egg me on, we arrived at our destination—unfortunately christened _Castelnuovo Bistro—_ and were seated in a booth under some dim lighting.

After ordering, we started talking about our college lives which, eventually, led to us sharing all the dumb things we did as students. However, no amount of laughing and eating could get my mind off of earlier. Even as we headed back to the police station, joking as if we were back in high school with Mari to complete our trio, I could barely focus on what exactly we were talking about.

And, when I walked back in, both Saehara and Hiwatari stopped their conversation, staring at me with bewilderment as I sat down, opening my laptop to drown myself in work and forget about my sudden displacement in life.

…

For study breaks, my friends and I always headed to the Starbucks overlooking Shibuya Crossing, somehow managing to find a vacant table in the midst of all the Tokyo chaos. Over personal drinks and shared snacks, we’d discuss what I secretly called the topic of the day.

One time, unfortunately, they all decided to focus on their love lives. They ranted on about terrible exes and failed romances or praised their current partners, proudly boasting about their healthy relationships. I sat there reading ( _The Little Prince_ by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry felt too out of place amidst the love lives of young adults in this century) while nibbling away at my baumkuchen, hoping that I could stay quiet and unnoticed for the rest of this conversation.

Unfortunately, they could read neither my mood nor my expression, so they eventually turned to me with smirks and curious eyes. They were all journalism majors and approached me because I seemed just like them: a girl who only cared about how well other people perceived her. Finding it hard to connect with others, especially as a first-year in college, I clung to them if only for my weekly dosage of social interaction. (It took me a while to finally separate from this group of people, but that wouldn’t happen until I finally got closer to other people in Japanese literature who eventually introduced me to other people in journalism.)

“Come on, Risa-chan!” one coaxed. “You’ve got to have some interesting stories!”

“I came from a small town in northern Japan; the only interesting story I’ve got is the fact that my sister’s been in a relationship for four years.”

Another pouted. “We’re asking for your stories though! Nothing passionate? Sexy? Steamy?”

I silently laughed at the memories that resurfaced, mentally berating myself for my stupidity. But then my mind, whirring from comprehension, presented two memories regarding the first word. I cringed at the juxtaposition of them, and I could feel my tears rising up.

“Please,” I croaked, ready to chug my chai latte after I said my piece. “The only thing that was hot and steamy was the bits of salmon floating around in the soup.”

They looked at each other, slightly confused before forcing a laugh. Any lover of language would have either groaned or snorted at my remark. Clearly, I had found myself in the wrong group of people.

Blocking out the rest of their conversation, and the memories trying to flood my brain, I downed my drink, trying to forget everything with its comforting warmth.

…

“Harada-imouto, be a pal and let me go home early today!”

Looking up from my laptop, I saw Saehara in front of me, bowing at such a steep angle that I thought he might just tumble over. I nearly dismissed him without hesitation considering the Saehara I knew probably had a dumb reason to excuse himself, but I decided to give him the benefit of doubt.

I braced myself for his terrible answer. “…why?”

“I’m having dinner with Akane and—”

“Why are you still here?” I screeched, somehow too caught up with the pitiful image of his girlfriend having to wait for his sorry ass to consider that Saehara might’ve just played to my pathos. “You’ve got better places to be than this dingy place!”

Thanking me, he rushed out at such a pace that I couldn’t help but believe his claim. He usually left the station at a casual stroll, and I smiled at his burst of energy and enthusiasm before returning to my work. I had around an hour left before I wanted to leave for the news station so I could polish up my pre-broadcast work without running into Hiwatari.

“Is my station really that dingy?”

Looking up from my work, I saw Hiwatari standing nearby with a steaming mug of coffee in his hand. Startled by his presence, I slightly jumped, noting the flicker of concern on his face before his composure settled in.

“All police stations are dingy,” I answered. “To be fair though, I might’ve spent too much time in one back in Tokyo.”

He nodded. “I can imagine that the ones in the city weren’t as well-maintained, although I am glad that that was just your biased opinion. I do take good care of my station, but I am willing to work on improving it if need be.”

I didn’t acknowledge his statement. Hopefully, my disinterest would dissuade Hiwatari from continuing this conversation, but his figure lingered in my peripherals, detracting me from the work I was trying to focus on.

“Your sister invited me over for a meal whenever I was free as thanks for the other night,” he awkwardly started.

My focus waned from my growing agitation at Hiwatari’s inability to take a hint and at Riku’s well-meant yet completely insensitive offer. “Why tell me that?”

“I figured that you would’ve appreciated the notice.”

“You don’t have to be considerate of my feelings now.” I turned to him, allowing my frustration to seep through my furrowed brows and frown. “Besides, don’t you think it’s kind of late to be caring now?”

He somehow maintained his expression despite my sudden accusation. With a nod, he muttered a soft-spoken apology before he turned away and retreated back to his office. Once I heard the door shut, I gathered my things and escaped from the police station, running towards the news station in a feeble attempt to get my mind off what happened.

I knew that what I said rattled Hiwatari; he had a habit of excusing himself whenever he was uncomfortable. Not that it was easy for a layman to read the subtle changes in his expression and mood, but Hiwatari always felt apprehensive whenever he found himself in a vulnerable position. A lot of men did that to protect their manly pride or ego, but, for Hiwatari, it was one of the consequences of living with Krad for around fourteen years of his life.

Honestly, I hated that I knew this. I hated the knot that appeared in my stomach when he stiffened up before quickly excusing himself. After all these years, after everything that happened, I still couldn’t stand seeing Hiwatari anything less than his normally aloof and composed self.

I somehow managed to keep myself collected and made it to the news station without catching too much attention. The security guard greeted me with a smile, and I returned the gesture, trying to leave any thoughts of Hiwatari at the door of the building.

Heading towards my cubicle, the staff seemed as calm as always, chatting about the usual topics of the handsome Police Commissioner (not that that was helping my case and _ick_ ) or the cute new editor from Tokyo ( _please)_ before I settled down at my desk. Even with the trivial and slightly annoying conversations occurring around me, it set up the white noise I needed to fully focus on the rest of my work.

Until they started gossiping about something that turned my productivity into an existential nightmare.

“Oi, Kawamura-san, did you hear?”

“Hear what?”

I peeked over the cubicle, looking at the women in the cubicle next to mine. One of them was sitting, the other standing, but both were idly holding a steaming cup of coffee.

“That the Captain’s going to promote the new editor.”

“Eeeeh? Already? But she just got here!”

“But she graduated from Tokyo University and interned at the NHK! Don’t you think she’s overly qualified for her current position?”

“So what? She just got here. Who cares about where she came from? I’ve been working here far longer than she has, and I’ve yet to receive some huge bonus or substantial raise!”

“You’re just jealous!”

“And you’re not? She comes here from Tokyo, gets stationed at the police department with Hiwatari-san, and is already on her way to getting promoted! It’s not fair!”

“I know right!” she leaned closer to her confidant, but I could still hear her obnoxiously loud voice. “Did you hear this though? Apparently, she grew up here before disappearing off the face of the earth, and now she’s returned despite all her success. Do you think it’s a fraud? Maybe she’s running from something? Relationship issues?”

By this time, I was already so far into the conversation that I was silently responding to their blathering mouths with my changing expressions. They somehow moved onto another conversation that lost my attention without noticing that I was obviously eavesdropping, and I returned to my work, glad that I was on my way to not having to see Hiwatari first thing in the morning. But did I really want this? Anyone would be glad to have a promotion since that meant a more prestigious job with better pay but…

Damn. How dare I have these second thoughts now. I should be happy about this.

Hearing my phone ring, I looked down to see a text message from Daisuke saying that his parents wanted me over for dinner and that Argentine and Towa terribly missed my company. He, unfortunately, couldn’t be there in case he needed defuse his rambunctious family since he made plans to have dinner at my house, so I texted Riku that I would be over at Daisuke’s for dinner and continued working until I had to leave.

…

“Risa!” Mrs. Emiko greeted, pulling me into a hug. “It’s been forever!”

“Emiko, please, you’re choking her!” Mr. Kousuke called when he emerged from the kitchen.

She pulled away with a huge grin, ushering me into the living room before excusing herself to check up on the food. I sat next to Grandpa Daiki, bowing slightly before turning my attention to an Alphonse Mucha documentary that so happened to be on. I became so engulfed with the show that I didn’t notice Towa and Argentine slowly creeping up behind me.

“Boo.”

Startled out of my seat, I turned around to see the personified artworks hovering over me from behind the sofa. Towa had a grin that eclipsed her face and Argentine, sly bastard, covered his chuckling mouth with his gloved hand.

“Still as sensitive as ever!” Towa chirped before skipping back into the kitchen to help the Niwas prepare dinner.

Argentine offered his hand, helping me up with an apology, before setting up the table. I followed him and, despite his protests, laid out the wine goblets and silverware.

“You are the guest, Risa-sama.”

“And, as the guest, it’d be rude of me to just sit around doing nothing!”

He sighed before heading into the kitchen. From previous experience, I knew Mrs. Emiko would kick me out if I stepped onto that hallowed ground, so I settled back down next to Grandpa Daiki and dove back into the interesting world of the Art Nouveau movement.

Back then, when I practically spent every waking second with Daisuke, Riku, and Hiwatari, we tended to drop by the Niwa household after school. Riku and Daisuke always retreated to the latter’s room before dinner, getting their daily dosage of alone time together, so I spent that time studying at the dining table with Hiwatari’s guidance. And when he had to work overtime, Towa and Argentine took a break from maintaining the house to keep me company. On occasion, when Grandpa Daiki was awake or in, he’d sit at the head of the table with a steaming cup of green tea while reading or writing something.

This slightly cramped and always noisy household became my second home, and I found a second family with the Niwas, too. I used to joke around about getting to know the in-laws back then but, on the extremely off chance that Riku and Daisuke didn’t work out, I knew they’d still be family to me.

The doorbell rang, and I shot up to let whoever it was in. I didn’t think too much about who it could be but, opening the door to see a slightly startled Hiwatari, I squeaked.

“Good evening, Harada-san,” he mumbled, taking off his shoes and brushing past me without much of a scene. “Auntie, Uncle, I’m home.”

The quartet in the kitchen marched out, greeting their wayward “son” with fanfare. I returned to my spot by Grandpa Daiki, wondering why he didn’t bother to join them.

“Not greeting your practically grandson?”

“He doesn’t need this old coot to fawn over him; the rest of the family gives him enough attention anyway. Besides, it’s been a while since I’ve seen my practically granddaughter-in-law.” He shot me a toothy grin before patting my shoulder to comfort me. “I told them not to invite him for dinner with you, but they just didn’t listen to me.”

After coming back to Azumano, I hated how everyone assumed that I had gotten over what happened. Sure, their conclusions were valid, but my being back here didn’t mean that I had finally made peace with what happened. Like any other adult dealing with a lack of closure, I left it as far behind me as feasibly possible so I could move on with my life. And here I was, still running away from it just to keep myself afloat and somewhat sane.

I took Grandpa Daiki’s hand and smiled, grateful for his gesture. It was nice to know that someone still kept what happened in the back of their mind even after my long absence.

 “Risa, honey, dinner’s ready!” Mrs. Emiko called. “And could you please help Dad over? Thanks, dear!”

Despite his old age, he was still fit enough to move around without aid. Mrs. Emiko probably worried about her aging father yet, despite Grandpa Daiki’s notorious stubbornness, he let me help him to the table if only to avert my attention from Hiwatari’s presence at the table.

Argentine insisted on having me sit next to him, so I found myself wedged between him and Grandpa Daiki. I found it funny how I became closer to Argentine even though he kidnapped me back then. I certainly kept my distance from him after meeting him at the Niwa household once but that somehow turned into him poking my ticklish sides when I was too engrossed with my work to get a rise out of me (and entertain whoever else was around.) Maybe it happened from listening to all his long-winded stories, filled with melodramatic tangents, about Qualia. I was a blooming teenager obsessed with love, and he probably found solace from my genuine interest in his life.

“How are Towa and Argentine?” Hiwatari asked, rightfully concerned over the artworks wellbeing.

“They’ve been good,” Mr. Kousuke replied. “Emiko’s been working them to the bone like always. It’s a mystery how they’re still holding up so well.”

The married couple squabbled from his remark, and I glanced at Hiwatari’s expression. With his smiling eyes and upturned mouth, I found myself recalling those looks he—

“Risa-sama, are you okay?” Argentine asked. He, luckily, didn’t draw any attention towards me. I exhaled the breath hitched at the back of my throat and drank some wine to wash it do.

“I’m good. Sorry to worry you.”

“It’s alright as long as you are fine.” On his other side, I saw Towa jab him while taking a bite. “Erm, if you don’t mind, could you share some of your experiences in Tokyo? Towa and I were wondering what it would be like to be in a big city.”

They couldn’t leave Azumano due to reasons along the lines of being delicate and an extreme liability, so I picked out stories that I knew would catch their attention. Hooked on my words, they reminded me of children with their enchanted eyes and fascination with the simplest of things. Eventually, the table quieted down as I started talking about my college misadventures.

Argentine found himself attached to the many themed cafés dotting Akihabara, while Towa clung onto the melting pot of Harajuku’s fashion scene. Mrs. Emiko and Mr. Kousuke, however, were thoroughly entertained whenever I’d talk about my college hijinks. (I mean, at some point the couple was snorting in laughter. Pretty sure they were getting a kick out of this.) Grandpa Daiki would sometimes smile, and Hiwatari looked like he was having a ball with it. Whenever he would catch me watching him though, he would feign indifference, faking a cough to hide his laughter and cover that smirk he couldn’t seem to get off his damn face.

To think I was somehow concerned over this man a few hours ago when here he was, perfectly fine while relishing in my embarrassments.

Eventually everyone calmed down and the conversation moved to other topics, like the artworks asking if they could take a short trip to Tokyo and the art-savvy men wondering what could possibly go wrong. (Apparently, it was so bad that the three of them couldn’t wrap their head around the potential chaos that would occur.) I finished the grand meal of Tournedos Rossini (courtesy of Emiko’s grand tastes and Argentine’s odd talent for creating fine cuisine) before my eyes drifted to Hiwatari, who looked content surrounded by such animated company for dinner.

Honestly, why the hell was I always staring at him?

“The past is always too hard to leave behind,” Grandpa Daiki sighed.

“It’s not like it’s easy to leave it behind when it’s right in front of you.”

“There will never not be a day when it’s not in front of you,” he reminded before sipping his water.

I groaned, downing the rest of my red wine. Grandpa Daiki offered his untouched goblet, and I quickly finished it as well. Did he want me to drink for him? Or maybe he wanted to help me by letting me loosen my grip on reality?

Eventually, dinner came to end when Grandpa Daiki excused himself to get some sleep. Both Mrs. Emiko and Mr. Kousuke left to help him upstairs despite his protests. Towa and Argentine started to clean the table, keeping me in my seat despite my protests to help. They emerged from the kitchen after they tidied the table, each of them carrying a flower-adorned porcelain plate with a matching teacup. Argentine set his set of china down in front of me, and I stared in awe at the intricately decorated petit four and could smell what seemed like jasmine tea from my cup. Hiwatari had a different petit four in front of him, and his cup was filled with black coffee that eclipsed the flowery aroma in front of me.

“Enjoy the desserts!” Towa chirped.

“You won’t join us?” I asked.

“There’re dishes to wash,” Argentine answered. “Besides, Satoshi-sama likes time to himself.”

“Well, if he likes time to himself, I should help you then.” I started to get up from my seat, but Towa pushed me back down.

“Nu-uh. Madam said that no one gets up from the table until they need to leave.”

“Well then, I have to go.”

“Risa-sama!” The artworks simultaneously called over the scraping chair as I started my long overdue escape.

“I never thought the day would come when Risa Harada would pass on an offer of cake and tea.” When those cold words sliced through the air, I stopped. I turned to see Hiwatari’s icy glare, unmoving as he mechanically sipped his coffee. The striking color of his eyes only aided his intimidation. “If you have a problem with me, you should personally tell me instead relying on off-hand comments and running away.”

The Hiwatari I knew would’ve sulked for a bit instead of passive aggressively confronting anyone; I was the one guilty of doing that. But what fueled his uncharacteristic pettiness? Was it to call me out on my disdain from earlier in an eye-for-an-eye type of deal? Or was he trying to undermine me by using my own methods?

I shot him a look before sitting back down, readying myself to verbally battle with Hiwatari. Immature, I knew, that our communications had finally boiled down to this, but unrelenting stubbornness was an uncanny trait I shared with the young man hailed as such a mature role-model; we could never just admit our wrongs. Besides, I wasn’t going to take this without a fight. I wasn’t that young woman who allowed herself to get hurt by others anymore. And if ignoring him meant protecting myself, I didn’t care what others thought of it.

Besides, the damn hypocrite had no right to call me out on that.

“Oh, boo-hoo. I’m _so_ sorry that I heart your pathetic pride,” I responded with sarcasm. “I didn’t realize that I had to be nice to your frozen majesty when I came back.”

“It’s common courtesy, although I highly doubt you know what that means since you’re making a fuss at someone else’s house.”

“I wouldn’t be like this if you hadn’t started it.”

“Did you need to continue it though?” he scoffed. “Six years later and your volatile temper is still as prominent as ever.”

“As it should be considering I have good reason for it compared to that nasty attitude of yours.” I took a bite of my cake. “Tell me, how does it feel to have karma bite you in the ass?”

The calm front that Hiwatari somehow maintained gave way to the storm brewing inside of him. He shot up, slamming his hands on the table; a cacophony of clattering china and spilled drinks followed. I flinched, slightly terrified at his sudden ferocity almost reminiscent of Krad, but I had to maintain my ground.

“Harada-san, how could you be so damn stubborn?”

I glared at him, gingerly laying the fork down before I threw it at his face. “Self-preservation, Hiwatari-san: something you know _very_ well. After all, would you keep someone in your life when you know that they’re able to ruin everything in one-fell swoop?” His eyes widened, and he fell back into his chair looking devastated. “See? You _wouldn’t_ , so I have every right to do the same.”

Finally finished with letting out those pent-up emotions, I focused on the food in front of me, stuffing myself with the cake before emptying the teacup without break, burning my tongue from its scalding temperature. I left the house without a farewell, avoiding the frozen artworks who were unfortunately caught in the fray and the bewildered older Niwa couple standing by the foot of the staircase.

I ran back to my house, trying to at least keep myself composed until I got to my room, but when Daisuke opened the door, I broke down crying right there on the stoop, screaming into my hands until Riku pulled me into an embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Risa may have a drinking problem. And I think I may have a slight Nier: Automata obsession if how I wrote Ritsuko slightly reminded me of 6O. (Which subsequently means that I will probably write Ritsuko like 6O if she ever pops up in this story again.) Anyways, here is the disgusting angst and melodrama promised with the SatoRisa ship that only gets increasingly worse (much to my chagrin) as this story progresses...


	6. Soul to Squeeze

##### The angels in my dreams have turned into demons of greed…

“Harada-imouto, lay it all on me.”

Turning to Saehara, I saw him with his arms wide open and a creepy expression of satisfaction on his face. Disturbed, I went back to proofreading stories for the evening broadcast, trying to block out my currently obnoxious company.

“Aw, come on! I’m just trying to lighten the mood here!”

“You can do that without being weird, you know.” He pouted. “And there’s no mood that needs lightening.”

“Yes, there is! Chief’s been wound up, mumbling about some frustrating woman that refuses to give him the time of day, and you know how cranky he gets when he doesn’t get his way. And _you_ have been coming in with darker circles.” I shot him a glare for even mentioning the growing bags under my eye, but he just shrugged. “Well, _sorry_ for stating the facts here.”

“Saehara-san, I suggest you shut up and dig your nose elsewhere.”

“Look, the juju in this office is seriously whack. It all went downhill when you started working here, but now it’s unbearable!”

I raised an eyebrow. “Juju?”

“Yeah! Chief’s been on edge ever since, like he’s walking on eggshells or about ready to explode or something. The force stationed here noticed it too.”

“And this is my problem because…?”

“Well, I don’t know if a woman such as yourself would understand, but it was wonderful back in the day when Chief would walk in with that mien of confidence. Made us men feel ready to start the day with someone like that around. Then, after that night when we met up with you at the café, he’s been out of it. More so than usual if you know what I mean.”

“It sounds like your boss has a problem with a female, specifically this one.”

Saehara’s mouth dropped. Honestly, someone who prided himself on his investigative skills would’ve realized this by now especially with how obviously he described it only moment ago. “Are you telling me that—”

“…do you think it’s wise to continue digging into that matter?”

Hiwatari stood by the sofa holding a steaming mug of coffee. Our eyes met, and I saw the regret and hurt pooling in them, appearing for just a brief second before his customary stolid expression returned, aimed and ready to fire at Saehara.

“Well, I can’t help but be curious! And it’s me! It’s not like I’m going to blab to anyone about it. Well, maybe Akane but—”

All it took was one look to shut Saehara up. The poor guy gulped, slightly nodding at the frightening Hiwatari. The Commissioner retreated to his office and, while Saehara had somehow recovered from the death stare, yakking on about Hiwatari’s recently increased sensitivity, I couldn’t help but feel guilty about what had happened. I knew we both got carried away because of our bottled-up emotions, and that encounter so happened to release everything we wanted to compress (even when it clearly needed an outlet). Several years ago, I would’ve relished in the image of a broken and defeated Hiwatari slumped in his chair but now, after it actually happened, it honestly left me too unsettled to just leave it be. And since I couldn’t use my go-to strategy of pretending like it didn’t happen, there was only one thing left that I could do:

Apologize to Hiwatari.

“Harada-imouto, are you okay? You look like you just smelled some lingering roadkill.”

…

Once Saehara left, gloating about having “a homemade dinner filled with love from his honey-bunny,” I placed my laptop on the coffee table in front of me and made my way to Hiwatari’s office. I knocked on his door and, not hearing an allowance to enter, I decided to just let myself in.

The blinds were up, bathing the desk covered in papers the unsaturated orange of the sunset. It smelled like aging documents, coffee, and faintly of smoke: probably remnants of its precious owners. Hiwatari laid on the couch with one arm lazily hanging off the edge and the other positioned to cover his eyes from the light. I had the urge to check if he fell asleep with his glasses on, but I saw their glare on the low table.

Some habits never die.

“…what’s so important that you needed to barge in without my consent?”

“It’s me.”

He didn’t move. His body tensed slightly, and his casually open hands balled into sturdy fists. Frustration? Anger? I was slightly scared at his sudden change in body language and silently braced myself for the worst.

“Harada-san, I’m sorry about dinner. You don’t have to accept my apology, but let me at least say my piece before you leave. I simply pushed myself upon you without thinking about your feelings, and I should’ve been more mindful of that instead of finding a segue to berate you on your perfectly acceptable behavior.”

“Just because it was acceptable doesn’t mean that it was good. It was my fault for being belligerent and distant instead of addressing it immediately.”

“Harada-san, you had every right. If someone I cared about did what I had done all those years ago, I would’ve been equally, if not more, upset. This mess is mine and mine alone. You needn’t apologize for anything.”

I opened my mouth, trying to protest his words. For six years, I wanted to hear him accept his faults and apologize, as if seeing him this ruined would’ve given me the boost I needed to finally let everything go. But looking at his body somehow helplessly lying on the couch, and his eyes covered to avoid seeing me, I finally witnessed the toil that it put him through, too. I found solace in the fact that I wasn’t the only one affected by it, but that led to questions and assumptions I didn’t want to know the answer to. Or maybe I did know the answer to them, but I just couldn’t bear to face those truths.

“Harada-san, if you don’t mind, I’d like to have some time to myself. Thank you for listening, and have a lovely evening.”

“You, too,” I croaked, gingerly closing the door behind me.

Heading to my usual work space in the police station, I finished up my work as quickly as possible, managing to leave the station before Hiwatari clocked out for the day. If I went to the news station, I’d probably stay in my cubicle until hunger struck, allowing me to avoid much needed introspection with work.

Maybe I could drop by Mizuame de Noisette for some alone time if only to sort my thoughts out.

…

When I was younger, I heard something on TV (or the radio) about the health benefits of tea. It came around the time my obsession with chi and the flow of the universe started, and I somehow became obsessed with the brewed beverage.

So much so that I couldn’t stand coffee. My parents always made a pot for breakfast; Dad would drink it black, Mom had steamed milk with it, and Riku poured as much flavored creamer as the cup allowed whenever she found herself still tired in the morning. Even though I came from a family that preferred coffee over tea, they never bothered me about it. They’d drink tea whenever I brewed it, returning to their Japanese roots for those brief moments before allowing Westernization back into their lives once more.

(Funny how I talk about Japanese tradition when I gave it up for my weird obsession of divination using the Western tarot and the advent of the K-pop takeover.)

The first time I had coffee of my own accord and enjoyed it was in my third year of middle school at the Niwa household. Towa and Argentine tagged along with Mrs. Emiko to buy some groceries while Grandpa Daiki and Mr. Kousuke were on a trip to manage and redistribute the remaining Hikari works to areas able to care for the magical pieces. Riku and Daisuke were still at school, Daisuke dutifully manning the art club he was ushered into and Riku busy with lacrosse practice. Hiwatari, having already withdrawn from school to fully dedicate himself to his new post as the Commissioner of the police force, always left work early to accompany this member of the going-home club to what became his home after the incident. My parents still worked late back then and Hiwatari, being his courteous self, felt a need to keep me company until Riku came back with Daisuke so I would walk back home with my sister.

I was struggling through math, trying to manage without asking Hiwatari because I was stubborn—still am—when I placed my head on the table in utter defeat. Hiwatari, usually busy on either his laptop or with his paperwork, suddenly left his spot and disappeared into the kitchen. He returned a couple of minutes later holding two steaming mugs.

“Harada-san,” he called, lightly tapping my shoulder. When I got up, he placed the mug filled with what smelled and looked like coffee in front of me. I couldn’t protest since I didn’t ask for it or make it, so I mumbled a “thanks” before hesitantly taking a sip.

I didn’t expect to enjoy it so much since I’ve tried Riku’s coffee many time in the past and disliked, oddly enough, its saccharinity that masked any hint of coffee besides its bitter aftertaste characteristic of all brewed drinks. Hiwatari’s coffee, however, was slightly creamy and slightly sweet while managing to still taste like coffee: just enough to make it palatable yet not too much to overwhelm its flavor.

“I’m sorry. I would’ve made you tea, but there was only coffee in the pantry. I hope it suit your tastes.”

“It’s actually really good. Thank you.” I cradled the warm drink in my hands, completely taken by it. “How did you make it?”

“I just brewed the coffee, Harada-san. If you must thank someone, drop by somewhere in South America or Africa to deliver your gratitude.”

I raised my eyebrow in confusion at his statement and the smirk forming on his face. After a beat had passed, I frowned, shaking my head at Hiwatari’s terribly timing.

He chuckled. “My apologies, Harada-kun.” I stifled the urge to correct him for the umpteenth time for using an honorific he knew I wasn’t fond of. He just kept that stupid grin on his face before continuing. “I used a French press to brew the coffee and added condensed milk and chocolate syrup.”

“I’m offended that you thought I needed chocolate syrup _and_ condensed milk in my coffee.”

“Harada-kun, that’s how my host mother in America prepared my coffee.”

He never brought up his time in America, dismissing it as the time he spent staying up and reading books on art history and criminal justice. He never mentioned anything else regarding America, and I assumed that Krad and his young age made it difficult for him to bond with the other students.

“Really?”

I leaned towards Hiwatari, hoping that he would continue the conversation. And when he did, the cup of coffee I fawned over mere moments ago was long forgotten until Riku walked in and complained about how I wasted another cup of her favorite beverage.

…

The second time I had coffee served to me like that, I was over at a guy’s apartment, trying to get to know him before plunging back into the world of relationships and romances.

I deleted his number the moment I left.

…

After my fourth cocktail of the tropical-flavored variety, a waiter approached me, asking if I was okay.

“Of course! I’m peachy!”

“No one says ‘peachy’ when they’re okay, princess.”

I paused, nearly losing my grip on my drink. It took me a moment, but I finally focused on the waiter’s features. He had an attractive smirk and slanted eyes that screamed mischief paired with perfectly sculpted cheekbones and long, dark hair that tapered out in the back—was I imagining this?

Dark?

“Sorry to leave you like that. I would’ve stayed longer, but it didn’t work out.”

I knew that hidden behind his mask of nonchalance was a part of Dark that lived up to his namesake. Despite his usual animation, he was still a Hikari artwork, forever bound to the rules imposed upon him by his creator. His short-lived freedom always started with acclimating to his new host and teasing the poor kid about their love life and always ended either in full agreement or miserable compromise before plunging Dark back into solitude until the next of kin became of age.

“It had to be done.” I shrugged. “No hard feelings.”

But there were once many, many hard feelings that caused trouble for everyone close to me. Now they were a blip in the past that served as a forewarning for what had followed.

“I love you, Princess.”

“I know you loved me along with the many, many other girls that came before me. And you left every single one of them just like you left me. You promised me something you knew you couldn’t keep.”

What happened back then had to be done. The conflict that stemmed from the artworks residing in Daisuke and Hiwatari got so out of hand that it started to wreak havoc on the poor boys and, eventually, their respective “Sacred Maidens.” We had to destroy that artwork and free their blood from that awful curse to save ourselves.

Besides, I couldn’t hog Daisuke from Riku.

“But I’m here now. I’ve kept that promise.”

“Honestly, that sweet-talking mouth of yours sickens me.”

Even though he knew of his inevitable fate, he fed my gullible fourteen-year-old self loving words about forever and always. And having all those hopes and dreams crushed in the span of that event killed me. Maybe Dark used me to escape his reality, honing in on a girl that showered him with unadulterated affection for the person he was. And yet, that selfishness of his meant he needed to use everything in his bag of tricks.

Even if that meant lying to himself and me.

“What’d I do wrong? Tell me, and I’ll try everything in my power to fix it.”

“You lied. Just like him.”

He laughed, and I could hear the disdain and haughtiness with each note. “Comparing me to that glacier? Why do that?”

“Because I loved the two of you, but you both broke my heart because of this damn curse!”

I felt my frustration rush through me, and I slammed my hands on the table. Only then did I finally wake up, languidly trying to discern my dream from reality. Still coming to, my hand tipped over my cocktail glass, and I watched as it spilled and shattered on the floor below.

“Risa!”

Looking up, wondering who could possibly be calling my name, I spotted Daisuke weaving through the patrons and workers who had their attention directed towards me. He came to my table, briefly apologizing to the waiter cleaning up my mess before dragging me out of the café.

We ended up at a convenience store, and I followed Daisuke as he browsed the aisles, grabbing a canned miso soup and energy drink. On my way to the cashier, I grabbed a strawberry-flavored Caplico stick and strawberry milk and crept up behind him, gingerly putting them down on the counter. He didn’t say anything, instead pushing my snacks closer to his purchases and paying for everything without a fuss before sitting at a table outside. Daisuke urged me to drink what he bought for me, but my stubbornness won out as I opened my snacks and dug in.

“Are you okay?” he cautiously asked

“Does it look like I’m okay?”

He shook his head, unsure of what to do. We sat there in silence for a while until Daisuke opened his mouth again.

“Riku’s…worried about you. I’m worried about you.” He paused. “Um… _we’re_ worried about you.”

Luckily, I didn’t catch his implication, too intoxicated and one-track minded to pay attention to anything. “You two don’t need to worry about me,” I said. “Let me roll into the gutter of life without your well-meant bumpers.”

“Risa…”

“Look, I made a mistake coming back here, okay? This is my punishment.”

Daisuke looked distraught: his friend was suffering, and there was nothing he could do to help. Riku really did choose a good man…

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry…”

His apology hung in the air, awkward and heavy. I didn’t even know what he was sorry for. Scooting my chair closer to his, I patted his back to console him. Funny, since he originally meant to make me feel better and yet it ended up being the other way around. When he finally calmed down, he stood up, picking up my trash and telling me he needed to make a couple of phone calls.

Holding the warm cup of miso soup in my hands, I watched him go back inside the convenience store. During his first call, he looked too distressed. Daisuke had to take a couple of breaths, and he walked around a little bit before hanging up and dialing another number. He seemed a lot calmer this time around, but he somehow hung up looking even more frazzled.

“Riku wants you back home ASAP,” he explained while taking his seat. “But I’m assuming that home’s the last place you want to be right now.” I nodded. “Any ideas on where you want to go?”

“A hotel.”

“Somewhere with someone you know, please. Riku would kill me if I left you alone like this.”

“You can—”

“Risa.” _I’m your sister’s boyfriend. And while there’s nothing particularly wrong with you staying at my house, this could potentially lead to some trouble. And my house? Really?_

I laughed despite Daisuke’s grave tone, but I knew he was right. While Riku was fine with me and Daisuke being friends, I knew she didn’t like it whenever Daisuke was overly nice with me. And his house was a riot: having me there in this state could either cheer me up or make me feel even worse.

Saehara popped into my mind, but I didn’t want to intrude. Besides, he has a girlfriend that he may or may not live with (we had yet to breach that topic), and I didn’t want her to become wary of me even before I’ve formally met her. Hiwatari also flashed through my mind, but I was not that desperate. Yet.

Taking out my phone, I scrolled through my contacts until I found Ritsuko’s number. I brought my phone to my ear, hearing the dial tone echo. She was my last hope and, if she didn’t pick up, I would have to—

“Hey, Risa. What’s up?”

“Could I crash at your place tonight?”

“Sure, is there something wrong?”

“It’s a long story.”

“Well, it’s a Friday night, so we have the time! I’ll text you to address, okay? Please get here safely, and I’ll see you soon!”

…

“I didn’t expect to see Daisuke as your personal entourage tonight! Is there something going on? Do I need to report this to Riku?”

“Ritsuko!”

She laughed, letting the two of us in, before disappearing into the kitchen to grab some refreshments and snacks. I sat next to a beet-red Daisuke on the sofa. Poor guy; even as an adult he was still too easy to tease.

“So, in all seriousness, what’s going on?” Ritsuko asked, placing two mugs of water and a bowl of sweets on the coffee table. “I mean, it must be a good story if Risa smells like a bar!”

I groaned, and she winked at Daisuke before laughing. Honestly, she was having too much fun with this situation.

“Well, as you can smell, I got drunk like a dumb college student, and Riku sent Daisuke to find me. And, since I didn’t want to go back home, I’m here.”

“Aren’t you a little too old for a teenage rebellion?” She laughed again. “Sorry, this is just too amusing.”

“I’m glad you’re enjoying it,” I grumbled. “Anyhow, could I freshen up a bit?”

“Oh yeah! I’ve laid out some clean clothes and towels on your bed. And a clean tooth brush. Other than that, what’s mine is yours.”

I thanked her before heading into her room, changing my clothes before cleaning up after my long day. Honestly, I wanted to pass out and forget today even happened

When I left her room, I saw her sitting on the couch, toying with her phone. She finally noticed me when I sat beside her, and she locked her phone and set it on the table.

“Daisuke left after you went in,” she explained. “So, what’s really wrong?” Her joking tone from earlier was gone, replaced with one of concern.

“I shouldn’t have come back.”

“Well, if you refused to visit for six years, you really shouldn’t have returned. If you’ve been running away for that long, you didn’t have to come back and act like you’re so strong now. And there’s nothing wrong with being a coward; not everyone was designed to slay dragons.”

“What’s up with the fairytale imagery?”

“It’s the only thing that came to mind! Don’t judge me!”

I smiled. “I’m not.”

“Well, for whatever reason, you came back, so you have to deal with it instead of drowning in alcohol. It’s not good for your skin.”

“You choose to dissuade me from drinking alcohol by talking about how bad it is for my skin? Just my skin? Really?”

“Okay, I don’t need your sass right now, okay? Too much alcohol is just bad, okay?”

“Who are you, my mother?”

“Would you rather be having this earful from me, Riku, or your mother?”

“Touché.”

We laughed. I really did miss Ritsuko’s company.

“Well, with a dragon like Hiwatari, I don’t blame you for running.”

My mind paused as those words hung heavy in the air. I hated when someone verbalized the truth, as if speaking about it granted my problem a tangible form that I could no longer just contain inside my mind.

“When he first transferred in, he was a statue that most of us girls admired from a distance. And you absolutely hated him. Then, somehow, someway, after Daisuke finally started officially dating Riku, the two of you became the bestest of friends which everyone thought was a guise for secretly dating.” I groaned at Ritsuko for reminding me about that, but she only replied with a coy smile before continuing. “And then you two just stopped talking near the end of our third-year.”

“Ritsuko…”

“And you were devastated. Maybe even more so than when Dark disappeared. I mean, it’s always hard to deal with losing someone you care about but…”

My racing heartbeat drummed in my ears, amplified by the ill-timed silence following her trailing words. Maybe she just paused there because she didn’t have anything left to say, and here I was freaking out over nothing. But what if she stopped because she needed some time to organize her thoughts before releasing a slew of words that could potentially shatter the precarious state of my sanity? Glancing over at me, her eyes widened, possibly at whatever worrying expression my face contorted to unconsciously before turning away looking guilty.  

“Sorry for bringing up a sore subject. I just…I don’t want to see you bogged down by whatever happened. It’s also late, so you should probably get some sleep, too.”

She handed me a blanket, saying that I could either sleep with her or alone on the sofa. I took the sofa mostly because I wanted some time to mull over Ritsuko’s words. Somehow, I had to stop running away from this, to compartmentalize and act like an adult.

Honestly, I had done a terrible job of doing that; both of us did. But I didn’t want to see what would happen if I put it behind me. I didn’t trust him or myself to keep it casual. After everything that happened, it really didn’t seem like an option. It was an all or nothing deal, and I don’t want to plunge back into that mess ever again.

I was too scared to see where it would lead us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *gasps*  
> And thus the truth appears! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and a big thanks to those who've dropped kudos or even read up to this point! :)


	7. Take Me

#####  We need some time to mend this broken trust…

I woke up to the scent of miso soup and steamed rice accompanied by whatever was beautifully sizzling. Sitting up, I turned to see Ritsuko in the kitchen, back towards me, dutifully manning the stove with her hair up in a messy bun. She spun around to put something in the sink, and I laughed at the pink, frilly apron she wore.

“Good morning to you, too, Risa!” she called.

“Sorry! It’s just…” I couldn’t finish my thought and burst into a fit of giggles.

“Don’t judge me! It was the only thing left at the store when I went!”

I shook my head at her blatant lie before getting up and folding my blanket. Sauntering over to the kitchen, I asked Ritsuko if she needed any help. She raised her eyebrow in skepticism and told me to set the table instead, pointing at the cabinet where she kept the dinnerware with her spatula.

“So, um…” she started as I took out some matching plates and bowls. “Are you okay? Did you sleep well?”

“Why ask?”

“Well, I woke up in the middle of the night to hear you rambling on about Dark, light, and that blond guy with the spiky hair from those video games,” she explained, and I had to stifle a laugh at how she got “Cloud” from “Krad.” “I thought you were awake, so I went to check on you, but you were fast asleep, squirming around like crazy. Did you have a terrible nightmare or something?”

“I don’t remember dreaming about anything last night,” I told her while setting the table, arranging everything as neatly as I could. “But it sounds like I had my recurring nightmare again.”

“About video game characters?” I nodded with a straight face, imagining her puzzled expression and finding amusement from this hilarious misunderstanding. “Well…um…alright?” She paused for a bit. “Have you had that checked out?”

“I’ve never had a reason to go to anyone about them.”

“Well, if you say so…”

When I finished setting the table, I returned to the kitchen to convince Ritsuko that I wasn’t incompetent in the kitchen, but she only brushed me off and laughed, calling me names relating to the weird content of my dreams. When she finished cooking, we sat down at the table before digging into the meal. We weaved through moments of silence and chatter, talking about everything but anything related to last night and my nightmare. (She did, however, keep pestering me about why I was dreaming about video games when I wasn’t an avid gamer, so I gave in and told her that she had misheard the name I spoke before she finally let the topic go.)

“Hey, were you planning on heading home soon?” she asked after finishing her food.

“Nope. Why ask?”

“I have to head to the store soon, and I don’t want to keep you here any longer than you want to. I’ll be back before dinner though, so do you think you can be alone until then?”

“I’m not a kid, you know.”

“I know, but I can’t help but worry about you.”

“I’ll be fine.” Getting up with the dirty dishes, I placed them in the sink to soak for a bit. I appreciated Ritsuko’s concern, but damn, it was suffocating.

“Alrighty.”

She went into her bedroom, and I wiped down the table before floating over to her bookshelf. When I finally found the book I gifted her once upon a time, wedged in between a worn fashion catalogue and a thick textbook, she came out with her hair styled, a face full of makeup, and a well-coordinated outfit that I was wishing I had.

“Stay safe and enjoy yourself!” She closed the front door behind her, leaving me alone to read a book I haven’t touched in years and would probably regret picking up again.

…

In high school, during one of the many afternoons I spent holed up in the school’s library, I stumbled upon an out-of-place book sandwiched in between thick tomes detailing what seemed like the finer points of sociology. Its cursive English title on the spine stood out to me, so I took the book off the shelf to read its synopsis and checked it out the moment I realized it was a romance, immediately ditching my afternoon study plans to read it.

After I found myself thoroughly enjoying the book, I messaged Ritsuko saying that she had to read this whenever she found some free time before messaging Hiwatari, wondering if he could meet up with me that evening. Whenever he was swamped with work, I studied at the library since the Niwa household was too distracting for me if I was by myself. To make up for his absence, Hiwatari would always call me once he returned from work, guiding me through assignments and topics beyond me or keeping me company through time-consuming projects and last minute crunches because of my terrible habit of procrastinating.

After getting a message from him saying that he could grab dinner with me, I headed over to the family restaurant close to the police station and reserved a table. Mostly undisturbed, save for the waiter intermittently asking if I needed anything, I plowed through the book, miraculously finishing it despite having just started it earlier that day.

Unfortunately, Hiwatari arrived shortly after I read its ending, and he rushed over in concern when he saw me trying to discreetly cry into my hands, asking me what was wrong until I shoved the book into his face. Sighing, he slipped into seat across from me before resignedly questioning what the “accursed” novel was about. Through my blubbering, I somehow coherently explained its plot, pausing twice through my summary to order and thank the waiter when the food came out.

“Risa, please, your food’s getting cold,” he interrupted when he realized that I wasn’t even close to the halfway point of the story. “Just lend me the book, and I’ll finish it later.”

“Thank you for…ordering the food…and listening.” I sniffled before digging into my omelet rice.

“You’re welcome, but please don’t worry me like that again. Coming here and seeing you cry after you asked me to meet up with you stressed me out more than my work itself. And then I come to find out that all this fuss was over a book…” He jokingly glared at me, and I laughed.

I eventually cheered up from my food and company, and I left the restaurant with Hiwatari accompanying me back home. He called me later that night, nestled in an ottoman while I was somehow comfortable on the kitchen floor as we whispered the night away.

The next day, Hiwatari picked me up right after school and bought me two copies of the book: one for my personal use and the other for me to give to Ritsuko. (He personally didn’t like the book, but that’s because we didn’t share the same tastes in genres. He did acknowledge my books when he found them well-written, and he told me this one was much better than the usual drivel I read. [I smacked him because I knew he was only saying that to avoid getting hit, but he laughed at how little faith I had in the veracity of his opinions.])

In the span of a week, after my annotations and bookmarks marred every page, the book looked like it had years of constant wear and tear. Despite being my favorite book, it had become too difficult for me to ever read through again after graduating high school. I couldn’t bring myself to destroy it or give it away either, so I kept it perched on my desk as a reminder and a silent promise to myself.

…

After completely reading through Ritsuko’s copy, I heard the door ring. Without thinking, especially since I was emotionally compromised on several different levels, I opened it to see Ritsuko and Hiwatari slightly panting with concern on their faces. Ritsuko’s expression fell, and Hiwatari looked about ready to hightail out of there.

“Risa…are you okay?” Ritsuko asked as I let them in.

“Yeah…um…” I pointed to the book on the sofa while wiping away my uncontrollable tears. Both Ritsuko and Hiwatari nodded, sharing a brief look with each other before looking back at me. Ristuko patted my back before heading into the kitchen while Hiwatari followed me to the sofa, settling down as far away from me as possible.

“I sent you a text saying that Hiwatari was going to take you home tonight,” Ritsuko told me. “But you didn’t reply, so we rushed over here only to have a heart attack because you were crying…over a book.”

“To think that you would worry people again over the tears you shed over that accursed book. If I may be so bold, Harada-san, I believe you should reconsider your tastes in literature.”

I only pouted at Hiwatari’s comment, still too preoccupied with trying to calm myself down to wonder why Hiwatari, of all people, was accompanying me home. Ritsuko returned, placing two cups filled with tea and coffee respectively and a bowl of snacks on her coffee table, telling me to let her know when I’m heading out before disappearing into her room. When her door shut, I became painfully aware that she had just left me alone with Hiwatari. My tears immediately dried up, and the muggy haze that usually clouded my mind during (and after) a good cry gave way to an alertness characteristic of Hiwatari himself.

“Why…are you here?” I cautiously asked him.

“Riku and Daisuke had evening dinner plans, so they asked me to bring you back home.”

I groaned and whatever composure I wanted to retain in front of Hiwatari vanished. “Am I really that unreliable that I need people around me constantly?”

“Yes, you are,” Hiwatari scolded. My eyes widened at the sudden sharpness in his tone. “You’ve been practically drinking yourself into stupor every night since you’ve gotten here, worrying everyone with such immature recklessness that is, frankly, scaring us. If you want to be treated like an adult, you should start acting like one.”

I let out a dry laugh. “I…can’t believe I’m being scolded by you right now.” Picking up my cup of tea, I took a sip before letting it rest on my lap, staring at my rippling reflection as if it had the answers to my unanswered questions.

Silence settled between us before Hiwatari cleared his throat. Glancing up at him, he looked annoyed. Or was that distress? I really couldn’t tell anymore. “Sorry if I came across as harsh.”

“No, it’s okay,” I told him softly, absent-mindedly tracing my cup as I returned to my reflection. “Even as adults, we sometimes still need a stern talking-to.”

He nodded, opening his mouth as if he had something to say before immediately shutting it, knotting his eyebrows as if deep in thought. He sat there thinking as I helped myself to Ritsuko’s snacks in a vain attempt to focus my attention on anything but the awkwardness of these interactions. Our current relationship (if you could even call this mess one) stood on unstable ground; one wrong step out of the many that could easily occur, and this odd reconciliation we finally reached would crumble instantly.

“We should probably head out,” he finally settled on saying, getting up from the sofa. “I’ll wait for you outside.”

Going our separate ways, I knocked lightly on Ritsuko’s door, patiently waiting for her to open it. She finally appeared, makeup stripped off her face and hair messily gathered into a bun, smiling as she strutted to the door in an oversized shirt and equally baggy shorts. She gave me a hug, wishing me well before letting me out. When I heard the door shut, I came face to face with Hiwatari leaning against the wall by the doorframe with his eyes glued onto me as I stood there staring back at him. Somewhat straightening up, he got off the wall and lead me through the complex until we finally found its entrance.

On the streets, we joined the many heading towards their plans for the night. Six years later and the streets were alive and bustling, almost reminiscent of those in Tokyo. They weren’t the same in scale, of course, but I found this change comforting. After living in the city for so long, the constant busyness became my norm, and I appreciated that I wasn’t fully alone with Hiwatari. While I relished his lone company as he walked me back then on these once practically empty streets, it would’ve driven me crazy now if I had to deal with that.  

Hiwatari walked ahead of me, and I couldn’t help but examine him under the meager lighting of the street lamps and storefronts. Outside of work, he didn’t carry the air of the Police Commissioner. He disguised his slim and toned body under his dull, ill-fitting clothes and hid his face behind those awful wire-rim glasses from last millennia that he apparently never needed; if it weren’t for his eye-catching hair color, he would easily fade into the background. And no confident man would stuff his hands into his pockets as he slouched: only a ruffian would do that.

He didn’t have to hide anymore with Krad finally gone for good, and he had actually gotten better with maintaining his outward appearance while living in the Niwa household, probably under Ms. Emiko and Towa’s tutelage. His casual clothes finally coordinated to some degree, and he walked around with his back fully straight. If anything, he should’ve continued down that path, especially as a young bachelor with the world at his fingertips. He could attract any woman if he tried and, if they bothered to uncover his actual personality hidden under that prickly shell of his, he’d be set for life.

Odd for me to even bother going down this train of thought, especially considering that I couldn’t even stand Hiwatari’s presence mere days ago, but I couldn’t help but notice that idiosyncrasy. When Hiwatari and I were good friends, he would always walk beside me, and I was too preoccupied with his face to bother paying attention to anything else.

_Grumble._

Hearing my stomach growl, I slowed my pace down to distance myself from Hiwatari. I wanted to get home as soon as possible so I could shorten the time that I spent in his presence, but my stomach, hellbent on ruining my perfectly reasonable plan, decided to growl louder. Hiwatari turned around, looking somewhat startled, and I felt my face burn up from his attention.

 “Harada-san, are you—“

“I’m fine.” My stomach decided to rumble yet again, and I hung my head down in embarrassment.

“We can stop by somewhere to grab food if you’d like.”

I nodded, lifting my head up to find a place to eat nearby. There were several fast food restaurants and convenience stores, many of them having popped up during my six-year absence, but I really wasn’t in the mood for unhealthy food. Not that I should be picky if I wanted to head home quickly, but I wanted something that I wouldn’t regret eating the next morning. I walked past Hiwatari, trying to see if there were any other places, but they all had a queue of people huddled close to their entrances. 

“Royal Host is close by,” Hiwatari spoke up behind me, as if he knew that nothing interested me here.

I turned to face him. “The one by the station?”

He nodded before brushing past me, leading the way to our destination without bothering to confirm whether I wanted to go or not. We used to meet up at this family restaurant for dinner whenever I wanted to personally see Hiwatari whenever he was busy. I wished he had recommended another place since I really didn’t want to revisit memory lane, but I wasn’t going to complain about it, especially if I could get some omelet rice…

I bumped into Hiwatari, who had stopped walking while I was preoccupied with my thoughts. “Sorry,” he apologized for what seemed like the umpteenth time. “I didn’t realize that I didn’t ask you if you wanted to eat there.”

“It’s fine.”

I pursed my lips, hating how forced everything felt. We stood there, stagnant and unmoving in the sea of people, and I looked at our new surroundings to see if I could avoid going to Royal Host. Luckily, I spotted a Starbucks nestled at a street corner.

“Um…why don’t we go there?” I suggested, pointing to the café.

Bobbing his head once more, he turned around and lead the way. He opened the door, letting me in before it shut behind us. The overwhelming aroma of coffee washed over me, and a brief memory of the many late night study sessions and early morning caffeine runs (for tea) at coffee shops flashed through my mind. Hiwatari headed for the counter first, ordering an americano and pausing a beat before turning towards me.

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll pay for myself.”

He faced the cashier again and paid before passing by me, choosing to sit at a table close to the entrance. I watched him take out his phone, opening what seemed like LINE before looking at a wall of text, before I turned back around to the menu, deciding on an iced tea, a bakery item, and a wrap. After I paid, I joined him at the table and pulled out my own phone.

Checking through my messages, I briefly replied to the ones Riku and Daisuke sent, hoping that some word from me could stave off their unnecessary worrying. I smiled looking at Ritsuko’s barrage of texts that started off relatively calm before devolving into a mess of typos and all caps. I also had a message from Saehara asking if I wanted to come over to Akane’s apartment for dinner to which I replied that it was about damn time before busying myself with anything, everything, to avoid conversing with Hiwatari.

He shuffled out of his seat to grab his drink but didn’t return, so I assumed he went to the restroom. When I heard my name, I was about to get up and grab my order, but I settled back down when I saw him returning with our food. I hesitantly mumbled thanks, uncomfortable with this chivalry, before digging into my food.

“Sorry,” he said again in the middle of my bite. What the hell was he apologizing for now? “I didn’t realize it would be this difficult to talk to you.”

“The feelings are mutual.”

Hopefully, that would end any possibility of Hiwatari speaking up again so I could eat my food and put this night past us. We stayed quiet for a while, me enjoying my food while Hiwatari absent-mindedly scrolled through whatever he was reading on his phone while periodically sipping his drink. Well, until something compelled him to open his mouth yet again.

“I…want to make this up to you.”

“Why?”

“Our…relationship isn’t going to get better if we run away and refuse to communicate. I want to make things right with you, if only to make this easier to bear…for both of us.”

“Hiwatari-san, keeping this cordial and impersonal is the best way for both of us. Going any further than that is…”

“Dangerous? Difficult? Nigh-impossible?”

“Exactly, so why are you insisting on this?”

He didn’t answer, resorting instead to look out the window. I followed his actions, wondering what was so interesting outside. There were just passersby and the fluorescent lights of signs and cars: nothing particularly interesting but somehow hypnotic in a way. The rhythm of the mellow jazz song softly playing in the background followed the beat of everything outside, lulling me into a brief trance.

“Because seeing you act this way because of me hurts too damn much to bear.”

I spun around with my eyes widened in shock, gasping when I found him already facing me. Instead of hiding it behind his blank expression, behind those glasses that helped to disconnect him from the world, his bared it all for anyone to obviously see. His furrowed eyebrows cast a slight shadow onto his face from the lighting above, contrasting the light colors of his eyes that crinkled in pain. And his mouth, always shaped into a slight frown, slanted in discomfort.

The cruel joke that had bubbled inside of me to break the tension around us disappeared. I managed a small smile to get my mind off the swirling emotions inside, but I could already feel my voice bubbling up in my throat, threatening the truth I could no longer keep inside.

“Satoshi, you know that I’m only like this because you hurt me…right?” I croaked, struggling to speak while my throat closed itself in on my voice.

“…I know.”

I inhaled, trying to keep a hold of the composure that I knew would break soon. “Then please,” I begged, painfully aware of my cracking voice, “leave this be. I shouldn’t have you in my life anymore; I shouldn’t even care about you, but seeing you like this…it’s…”

I couldn’t finish. The tears broke out, and I brought my hands to my face to hide and suppress the screams threatening to escape. And Hiwatari, knowing full well of his place in my life, could only sit across from me, facing the consequences of his actions and knowing, with every fiber of his being, that he shouldn’t be comforting me.

…

After I finally calmed down, I quickly finished my food, and we resumed our trek back to my house. The walk was silent between us, and I expected Hiwatari to leave once we arrived, but he let himself in, lying down on one of the sofas. I went into the kitchen, guzzling down a bottle of water to hydrate myself from all my crying before I joined him in the living room, settling down on a chair close to him.

“Why are you still here?” I asked, resting my head on the armrest.

“Tired,” he mumbled placing his glasses on the nearby table before rolling around to hide his face.

I watched him for a while until my parents appeared, wondering if Riku and I were back yet. Apparently, my sister was still out with Daisuke, so they just stayed in the living room for a bit, asking if I was okay in hushed tones to not disturb Hiwatari. I told them I was fine even though I was sure that I looked terrible, but they didn’t push me for answers and returned to their room without a fuss.

I grabbed the nearby remote, turning on the television and browsing through the channels before settling on one that was showing an American rom-com. Even though it was rife with clichés, I reveled in its predictability and the character’s stupid antics, trying to keep my laughter down so I wouldn’t disturb Hiwatari. When the movie finished, the front door opened, and I heard Riku and Daisuke. They said their goodbyes before the door closed, and a lone pair of footsteps echoed through the house.

Turning around, I saw Riku in a dress that hugged her torso, flowing down a little past her knees. She complemented it with matching accessories and well-done face of makeup, and I was impressed. To think that she was hopeless with fashion years ago.

She approached me, and I braced myself for a slap or a long tirade or well…something, but she pulled me into an embrace instead.

“What perfume are you using so I could steal it?” I asked, mostly joking.

She let go with a huge smile on her face. “You must be fine if you’re able to joke around like that.”

“Mostly, yeah. I was kind of scared you’d be upset or something.”

“I was worried, not upset. Especially after your dinner at Daisuke’s house.” Riku turned towards Hiwatari’s resting figure on the sofa, and she looked at him in confusion “Why is Hiwatari still here?” I shrugged. “You should wake him up since I’m back. And make sure you drop by my room when you come up.”

“So that you can scold me and probe into the depressing recesses of my mind?”

“No!” she responded, upset that I even suggested it. “I just wanted to talk about anything: the perfume, your life…you know, to catch up with my sister since we’ve been so busy. And if you’re comfortable with me poking my nose where it doesn’t belong, that too.”

“Fat chance of that happening,” I told her. “But I’ll take you up on talking about everything else. Maybe with a couple of beers?”

She laughed, shaking her head at me before walking up the stairs with a womanly grace she probably also picked up during my absence. I went to Hiwatari, gingerly shaking him awake while whispering his name until he moved. He slightly rolled over but was clearly still asleep.

“Risa, please forgive me.”

I blinked, wondering if the external stimulus of me calling his name triggered it before deciding to play along just for the hell of it. “I’ll forgive you if you wake up.”

And he did, as if those words worked. I backed away, startled at the impeccable timing. Luckily, he didn’t notice having just woken up, and he slowly sat up and put his glasses back on.

“Is Riku back?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

Standing up, he headed to the entrance and said his farewell before disappearing into the crowds of the night. Closing the door behind me, I headed to the kitchen, grabbing two beers and some snacks before heading up to Riku’s room to forget about the day’s events by chatting the night away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is yet another 4000 word behemoth. I hoped you enjoyed these awkward children, and stay tuned for another truth bomb landing in the next chapter!


	8. Santa Fé

##### Will he take this grand delusion? Add his love to make his own conclusion?

With the morning sunlight filtering in through the blinds, I stirred awake. After a long night of catching up with Riku, we had fallen asleep in the middle of a forgettable conversation, practically pushing through the drowsiness that had settled in the moment we got back just like kids defying their imposed bedtime as an act of false maturity.

Next to me, Riku was fast asleep with her back to me. She had her head nestled between her pillow and the sheets that she had pulled up to almost cover her face. I wondered how she could breathe under the stuffiness of the covers, or even bear the heat for that matter, and decided to poke her to see her reaction. She grumbled, slightly rolling around before disappearing under her sheets, clearly one of those people who could stand, and probably enjoy, the terrible heat of summer while exercising.

Carefully getting out of Riku’s bed, I headed downstairs to grab some water for my parched throat. Still half-awake, I entered the kitchen, wholly oblivious to my surroundings.

“Good morning, Harada-san. **”**

I let out a startled shriek before turning around to see Hiwatari at the dining table practically covered in paperwork. He sat in front of his laptop, a black island amidst the sea of white, with his attention on the document resting on his keyboard, skimming through it with a pen ready in his hands.

“What are you doing here at— **”** I peered at the clock on the microwave. “—nine in the morning?”

“Sunday brunch.”

Grabbing a water bottle from the fridge, I took a huge gulp from it before approaching Hiwatari in confusion. “Why?”

“Your sister had invited me over for a meal, and I’m finally taking her up on her offer.”

“I thought she was talking about a home-cooked meal.”

“As did I, but she insisted that I come and that she pay for my meal, especially since I’ve been babysitting you so often.”

I groaned. “Her words or yours?”

“Both.” Frowning, I took another sip of water. “Daisuke’s also accompanying us today, so don’t worry too much.” 

Nodding and, becoming slightly tired from standing up, I took the seat across from Hiwatari, placing my water bottle in my lap. “Why’re you so early though?”

“I had some work to do and wanted a change of scenery. I’m sorry to have startled you.”

“Don’t worry about it. I just…didn’t expect to see you this early in the morning.”

“Hence why you look like you’ve just gotten out of bed.”

“Yeah…”

His words took a while to finally hit me. And when they did, I became painfully aware of the possibly messy state of my hair and the fact that I didn’t have a _bra_ on. He didn’t notice my sudden self-consciousness. And, even if he did, he still had his attention on his work.

“I’ll leave you then…”

I was still kind of tired, so I wanted to head back to my room and relax in bed until I had to get ready. Leaving before this got awkward was just a bonus.

“No need to leave if you’re worried about your appearance,” he spoke up. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”

I paused, processing his last statement. Hiwatari’s eyes widened, only then realizing the weight of his words, before turning to me with a distraught expression. “Harada-san, I—”

“—should leave,” I interrupted, finishing his sentence for my own sake. I quickly got up, chair scraping against the tile, and marched upstairs with the half-empty water bottle in tow, more than ready to pass out in my bed.

Dammit, Hiwatari.

…

After freshening up and changing into a casual dress, I headed downstairs to see everyone gathered around the dining table. Several mugs of steaming coffee and a bowl of honeydew cubes replaced the papers once strewn on its surface.

“Good morning, slowpoke,” Riku greeted from her seat. “You’re still as fashionably last as ever.”

“Better late than never, as they always say.” I plopped a melon cube into my mouth. Yum. “So, where are we headed today?”

“The Bar,” Riku answered. “It’s a high-end restaurant that opened up nearby.”

“Isn’t it considered cheating if you’re eating at a restaurant you don’t work at?”

Riku shot me a look, and I laughed. Everyone quickly tied up their conversations before heading to our destination. On the way there, Riku told us that the chefs at the place she manages recommended that she drop by once, so she decided to bring people along with her. The more, the merrier, she reasoned.

When we arrived, they seated us immediately. I browsed the menu, gasping at the absurd prices for what seemed like a relatively normal American brunch. Even the sides and beverages were expensive. Next to me, my mother and father spoke in hushed tones about what to get, appalled at the numbers printed next to such sparse descriptions.

“So, Risa,” Daisuke started, “I heard that Takeshi invited you for dinner today.”

“How do you know about that?”

“He called me yesterday about it, sounding pretty excited.”

I smiled behind my menu, hoping that no one would notice. Despite abhorring his presence when we were young, Saehara started to grow on me as we worked together and hearing that he was stoked over having me for dinner made me happy. Not that I would admit it though; all I had to do was play it cool, and no one would suspect at thing.

“He doesn’t need to be that happy over it,” I covered. “At least I can finally meet the woman crazy enough to put up with him. But seeing him? I don’t know.”

Riku laughed on my other side, and even Hiwatari looked slightly entertained by my jest. My parents, however, were starting to complain about the absurd menu.

“Didn’t Takeshi invite you too, Satoshi?” Daisuke asked.

“Yeah.”

“Aren’t weekends the time to get away from work?” Riku joked.

“Only Saehara and I are actually coworkers. Hiwatari-san just so happens to be there.”

“Like a statue, right?”

For whatever reason, she found her comment absolutely hilarious. Eventually, she calmed down before excusing herself to the bathroom, allowing me to finally pounce on Daisuke.

“So, when are you popping the question?” I asked, watching the man’s face turn the same shade as his hair. Even my parents silenced themselves to hear his answer.

“On our upcoming trip to Zurich…”

I squealed while my parents clapped, saying something about it finally happening before fussing over the menu once more. Daisuke’s blush only reddened from the sudden attention.

“Was it a wise decision to share that with Harada-san?” Hiwatari asked.

“I’m not that bad at keeping secrets!”

“Can…can we change the topic before she comes back?” Daisuke stammered.

We effortlessly transitioned into talking about what everyone was planning on ordering, and Riku rejoined the conversation without suspecting a thing. She also helped our parents finally choose something, and the waiter conveniently dropped by at that very moment, holding their notepad and pen with a patient smile. They wrote down predictable and fitting orders until they reached the last person in our party: Hiwatari.

“Coffee and the Belgian waffle,” he said, returning the menu to the waiter. Riku and Daisuke wondered if he was okay while my parents pestered him about taking better care of his sugar levels before talking about his overall terrible health in general.

But I could only stare at Hiwatari effortlessly assuring them that he was fine, wondering why he had to order that of all things today.

…

During my second year in high school on the annual school trip, Hiwatari had taken a couple of days off to vacation with me, Riku, and Daisuke. During the day, he followed his own itinerary since he didn’t want the teachers seeing him. At night, he snuck us out after curfew and watched over us exploring the city.

On the last day of our trip, Riku and Daisuke had a date, leaving me and Hiwatari in the heart of Tokyo, navigating through the hordes of people ready to experience the city’s night life. Not that we were legally able to enjoy it to the fullest, but I appreciated not having to spend time with the couple. And I was alone with Hiwatari on some faux-date of sorts.

“You’re a member of law enforcement, but you’re letting me break my curfew on a school field trip without batting an eyelash,” I teased as he led me through the crowd.

“I’m off the clock, so I’m currently just an innocent bystander caught up in a girl’s impromptu whirlwind.”

Lightly slapping his shoulder in response to his joke, we continued our trek though the unknown until we arrived at the First Avenue Tokyo Station. I bought some souvenirs, along with some snacks for my own personal enjoyment, while Hiwatari binged on kit-kats.

“Is that seriously why we came all the way over here?” I asked, eyeing his bag filled with assorted flavors ranging from the usual milk chocolate to…soy sauce?

“If I wanted to just buy this, I wouldn’t have brought you along.”

“Then why—”

Hiwatari grabbed my wrist, leading us back to the bustling streets and through the crowds until we found ourselves in front of a quaint café that was miraculously still open. I walked in, practically fawning over everything while Hiwatari trailed behind looking uninterested. We sat at a table near a crackling fireplace, and I practically melted from pure bliss in my seat.

A waitress came by, placing some menus on the table before skipping off to another table. After looking through one of them for several minutes, I had to choose between the honey toast and the pancakes, but I knew I had to decide; Hiwatari never allowed me to indulge excessively when he paid on my behalf.

“I’m torn,” I softly cried.

“Well, put yourself back together because you can only choose one.”

I pouted. “Why are you so mean?”

“Risa, this is to ensure that your eating-habits don’t lead me to bankruptcy.”

Groaning, I returned to the menu, deciding on the more expensive option to pettily chip away at Hiwatari’s budget. Wait, what would he get here? The menu was filled with desserts, and his deep appreciation for the saccharine things in life only extended to kit-kats and certain types of _wagashi_.

“The Belgian waffle with coffee sounds nice.”

“Since when were you a Belgian waffle person?”

“Since forever,” he deadpanned. “Duh.” He paused, letting his joke linger uncomfortably before continuing. “Actually, it sounds good. And it’s one of the simpler items on the menu.”

“Leave it to Satoshi to be the resident bore.”

“If I was that boring, you wouldn’t be here right now.”

I laughed. “True, true.”

The waitress came by, taking our orders before spectacularly grabbing our menus and heading to the kitchen. Hiwatari shifted in his seat, slightly irked by our waitress’ chipper attitude. I, on the other hand, quite liked it; she perfectly complemented the happy atmosphere. Then again, Hiwatari would never visit a place like this of his own accord. And if he was in the mood to eat out, we often found ourselves at cheap places or the shady ones that were surprisingly very good (and cheap.)

Sometimes, he was too nice for his own damn good.

“Hey, Satoshi, thank you for everything.”

“You’re welcome.” He shot me a genuine smile, causing my heart to skip a beat, before asking how I liked the school trip.

At the beginning of my second year in high school, I realized that I had feelings for Hiwatari and I, alone with him in a Ferris wheel pod, accidentally confessed to him. After we both briefly agreed to not let this get in the way of our friendship, he started to tease me, and we continued as if nothing had happened.

Looking back on it now, I was probably desperate. I held onto Hiwatari because of his compassion that conveniently filled Dark’s void. My love for Dark started as mere infatuation for a beautiful man that only grew because of the possibility of something unfamiliar and seemingly unattainable until I started to know him and began to genuinely love him for who he was.

And, after Dark had disappeared, Hiwatari became my pillar of support because he was the only one who really _knew_. Daisuke and Riku had each other, living the happy ending that they rightfully deserved, leaving me to come to terms with everything by myself. (Sure, I had the support of family and friends back then but they _didn’t_ understand. And no amount of explanation from my end, especially since I had gotten tired of repeating everything over and over again, could help them come close to even remotely understanding.)

Dark had given me the confidence I needed to break out of Riku’s imposing shadow, and yet I found myself in it once more after _Kokuyoku_ was sealed. Hiwatari had, eventually, granted me that same comfort, and I was finally, to some degree, able to finally get through my days alright.

Maybe Hiwatari just pitied me. He saw someone, broken and lost just like himself, and some self-righteous pride told him that he had to do something. Or maybe, just maybe, he was in the same boat as me, clinging to me in desperation for the love and attention denied from him for so long.

…

“Why Belgian waffles?” I asked him after everyone went their separate ways. Riku left for work while Daisuke accompanied my parents back home, leaving me and Hiwatari to pass the time before dinner.

He shrugged. “They’re light and go well with fruit.” He paused a bit, and I wondered if he just didn’t want to talk anymore or if he was finding something to talk about. “Why didn’t you order French toast? I thought it’s your favorite.”

“It is my favorite, but I wasn’t going to pay that much for it! My fruit salad and orange juice were expensive enough.”

We headed towards a florist to buy some flowers for our weekly visitations. I got a small bouquet filled with colorful flowers while Hiwatari bought a bushel of baby breaths despite my insistence on getting something slightly more extravagant. Sighing, I plucked the white and blue flowers out of my bouquet before arranging them amongst the petite blooms.

“This is excessive, Harada-san,” he said as he started to pull them out.

“No, it’s not,” I retorted, refusing the flowers he tried handing back to me.

He sighed, putting the flowers back amongst the baby breaths and grumbling a thank you; he knew better than trying to engage me when I was being stubborn.

At the cemetery, we both borrowed a tub and ladle each and bought a pack of incense at the small shrine. I followed Hiwatari to Rio Hikari’s grave, silently watching as he cleaned it and offered the flowers. When he started praying, I joined him. And when I finished, I told him I’d head to Grandma Rika’s grave, leaving when I saw him slightly bob his head.

When I arrived, I tidied up her grave before offering a prayer. And when I was done talking to Grandma Rika, I rested by her stone, pulling out a book ( _Asleep_ by Banana Yoshimoto) before slowly drifting away from my reality with the words on the page and the faint rolling of the waves in the distance.

…

It was my second day of being afflicted with the flu. Riku helped me in the morning before leaving me in the hands of our capable staff. I was too tired to read a book, let alone absent-mindedly watch TV, so I weaved through periods of blissful napping and conscious physical discomfort. When Riku returned later that day, she placed the notes and assignments I missed on my desk before keeping me company.

After dinner and Riku’s insistence that I rest despite having done that for the whole day, she turned off the lights and left. Compared to when I had woken up that morning, I had some energy, so I stayed up, staring at the ceiling hoping that my boredom would, eventually, lull me to sleep.

And that was when I heard a knock on my balcony door.

I saw a disheveled Hiwatari holding a box of chocolates and, using what little strength I possessed, I trudged over to let him in. I collapsed on him after opening the door, which he closed behind him before helping me back to my bed.

“How much time do you have to fill an empty box of chocolates with fruit?” I groaned. It was a terrible joke he once played when I was sick, but it had eventually become a tradition of sorts for us to bring each other boxes of chocolate filled with fruit whenever the other was sick.

“Who said that there’re fruits inside?”

“The fact that you brought it means there’re fruits inside.”

“Are you sure?”

“Satoshi, I’m more concerned about you entering my house through my balcony than the identity crisis of that chocolate box.”

“No one answered the door.”

“It’s late! Couldn’t you have waited until tomorrow?”

“I was worried.”

“I’m not going to die from the flu.” I sighed. “Anyways, make yourself at home.”

He went over to the pictures I had strewn across my wall, staring at the smiling faces in the moonlight. Some of them were pictures from school trips taken by Saehara, but most of them were shoddy photos I took during trips with family or while hanging out with friends. He then ambled over to my bookshelves, pulling out random books and flipping through them, probably skimming through my messy and probably rudimentary annotations.

“This room hasn’t changed much.”

“Of course; it’d cost too much to completely renovate it.”

“But we’ve changed, haven’t we?”

Illuminated by the full moon outside, his eyes glowed in the midst of the dim room, awaiting my answer.

“Yes, we have.”

He shot me a polite smile, and my heart melted. With my brain fuzzy, from both Hiwatari’s breath-taking handsomeness and the flu, I called him over, and he sat next to me wondering what I needed.

In my haze, I brought my hand to his face. His eyes widened, both in shock and fear, as he brought his hand up to mine, wondering whether or not to remove it.

“Risa, what—”

…

“Harada-san.”

My eyes fluttered open to see Hiwatari hovering over me. “I’ve cleaned up the grave for you,” he told me, offering his hand.

Closing the book resting on my lap, I thanked him, getting up without his help. I brushed the dirt off my clothes before following him out of the cemetery.

“Where are you going now?”

“Home,” I answered. “I need to freshen up before heading to Himawari-san’s apartment.”

“You’re welcome to do so at my apartment,” he offered.

“Excuse me?”

“Akane’s apartment is closer to mine. Logistically speaking, it’s more convenient.”

“You’ve been to her apartment before?” I asked, the surprise in my voice more noticeable than I wanted it to be. Him being on a first-name basis with her was one thing, but he’s also visited her in her apartment?

“Yes?” he answered in equal confusion, wondering why I was making a big deal of it. “Whenever we have group dinners, we go to her place since Takeshi lives in a studio. And, on occasion, I help her out if Takeshi is unavailable.”

“Ah.” Acceptable answer. It didn’t explain how the first-name basis thing started, but I suppose it came to happen because of the circumstances.

“I thought you’d pay more attention to my invitation than that.”

“Well, I didn’t think you could be friendly with women.”

“Meaning?”

“I don’t really know? I just didn’t think you’d actually get along decently with your friend’s girlfriend.”

“Aren’t I friendly with Riku though?”

“That’s different!”

“But I became her friend after she’d become Daisuke’s girlfriend.”

“But you knew her before. And…”

He nodded in understanding before we stopped at an intersection. “Well, this is where we head our separate ways if you wish to head home.”

“I’ll go with you,” I said. “I’m kind of curious to see what else I can dig up about you after being away for so long.”

From the corner of my eye, he shot me a discerning look, and I laughed before falling in step with him. I really should’ve just headed home instead, but I had already started digging my own hole. If I was already prying into his personal life, what could visiting his living space possibly do to me? (A lot, but that was a rhetorical question.)

“So, any other ladies you’ve been getting along with?” I asked.

“Not particularly.” He answered. “I went on dates with several people, but they never turned into anything serious. What about you?”

“Same.” Honestly, dating wasn’t something I wanted to do. Even after managing to shake off the phantoms of Azumano, I only went out on dates because my friends had found a guy they were sure was a good match for me or they needed someone else at a mixer or a double (triple, quadruple…) date. “Do you have any interesting stories to tell of your dating escapades?”

“Do you have any respect for some semblance of my privacy?”

“Nope!”

He sighed. “Well, the most interesting one I have is that I once dated Fukuda when she had recently moved back to Azumano after college.”

“You WHAT?!” I shot him a look of disgust and disbelief. Ristuko and Hiwatari? On a date? Together?

“Nothing came from it, so please calm down.”

“I’m sorry, but how the hell do you think I can calm down considering what you’ve just said?”

He shook his head before rolling his eyes. “After the second or third date, she said that it was awkward dating the guy her best friend once had a big crush on, and I found it awkward dating your best friend, so we both decided it would be best to stay platonic.”

“So you’re telling me you’re actually friends with Ritsuko? Like ‘OMG let’s, like, grab some coffee sometime, ‘kay?’ friends?”

From the corner of my eye, he cringed. “I wished you didn’t word it like that, but yes.”

“So, what’s up with the last-name basis?”

“We also found it awkward calling each other by our first names, so we settled on that.”

“Huh.” I stretched my hands behind me before looking up at the skyline. “I didn’t think the two of you would become friends. Then again, I also didn’t think you would ever become friends with Saehara, yet here you are.”

“Well, I don’t know if this is in the same vein, but no one thought you would come back to Azumano again, yet here you are. Anything’s possible is what I’m getting at, I suppose.”

He didn’t say anything else, and I decided to just let this conversation die before listening to the sound of the cars that passed by or the birds that perched on nearby trees: an idyllic Sunday afternoon. We finally arrived at his apartment complex, which so happened to be the one that he lived in before the Niwas took him in after Kei’s disappearance. I followed him up the stairs to apartment 214.

“Is this the same apartment?”

He shook his head. And when he opened the door, it was exactly how I imagined it to be. His living space had the bare basics: a sofa, a table, and a CRT TV. Hiwatari, despite himself, probably didn’t care about having a magazine-worthy interior chocked with unnecessary decorations. The room was also pretty clean, meaning that he probably spent little time there: Hiwatari’s surroundings often reflected his mind’s inner workings, so he often had papers and files strewn everything under his weird system of organization that was, honestly, absolute chaos. How he ever found anything was beyond me.

“Where’s you restroom?” I asked, possessed by a need to wash my face. I could feel some gunk on the side of my eyes, probably from the liner and eyeshadow that smudged during my nap. My face also felt caked from my foundation, and I wanted to redo my makeup for a casual dinner with friends.

“First door on your left in the hallway.”

Glad that I didn’t have to enter his room, I walked into the restroom, greeted by a mess. Well, it wasn’t dirty, but various toiletries were strewn across the relatively clean sink. I tidied up a bit to make space for my purse before staring at my reflection in the mirror, briefly mulling over the past several days before freshening up.

With a new and simple face of makeup, I headed back outside to see Hiwatari napping on his sofa. Feeling slightly hungry, I headed to the kitchen and started digging around for his kit-kat stash. I stumbled upon a cabinet full of liquor (of the high alcohol kind) before finally finding the candies, grabbing a sakura-matcha-flavored one (and a sake-flavored one for the hell of it) before grabbing a water bottle and settling down on the sofa next to him.

He probably had a long morning from working on his cases, so I let him nap away until we had an hour left before heading to Akane’s apartment. I shook him awake until he opened his eyes, blankly staring at me.

“You’ve got an hour.”

He nodded, getting up and ambling towards the bathroom. I returned to my phone, staring at the bright screen covered in Tsum Tsums. I finished up my game before shooting Saehara a message. Hiwatari then came out with his hair slightly tamed and his glasses on straight.

“Thank you tidying up.”

“Mhm.”

He retook his seat next to me, watching me as I toyed with my phone probably because he wasn’t fully awake yet. He finally came to thirty minutes before we “had” to be there, and he headed off into his room. He came out, having changed into a loose-fitting grey sweater from the decent button-up he had on from before.

“You looked fine.” I told him, getting up from the sofa and following him to the door.

“I was uncomfortable.”

We left for Akane’s apartment. Compared to the streets the night before, barely anyone was out. Most people had work or school tomorrow and opted to stay home to prepare for the week ahead.

“How nostalgic,” I whispered.

Hiwatari only nodded next to me. I actually liked the silence; it gave me time to think and reflect. After living in Tokyo, where moments of calm were few and far between, I finally came to cherish these wonderful breathers.

We finally arrived at Akane’s apartment, and I knocked. A muffled pattering of footsteps slightly crescendoed before stopping. The door opened, and I finally came face to face with the fabled Akane.

Holy hell, Saehara scored a cute one.

“Hello, Satoshi! T-kun’s already at the table!”

“Gluttonous pig,” he mumbled, and Akane laughed as Hiwatari walked inside, engaging with Saehara.

“And you must be Harada-san! T-kun’s told me so much about you!”

“Risa is fine,” I told her, trying not to laugh at Saehara’s cute nickname. “And really?”

“Yup!” I brushed past her, and she shut the door behind me. “He’s been talking about you nonstop since you’ve moved back.”

“Huh.”

“Aw, don’t be like that! He really enjoys your company!”

We finally arrived at the dining table to see the guys arguing in their seats, but they stopped when we sat at the table, making surprisingly polite and engaging conversation when we started eating. I was skeptically about Saehara’s claims about Akane’s cooking, but I finally believed him after my first bite of curry. Oddly enough, I didn’t think I would enjoy myself watching Saehara and Hiwatari talk this much; I had only seen the latter this amicable with Daisuke or me back in the day.

After we stuffed ourselves with plenty of leftovers to spare, the two men continued the argument they had earlier before derailing into another heated debate about the stock market. Akane asked if I wanted to help her tidy up, and I willingly retreated into the kitchen with as many dirty dishes as I could carry to escape from those nerds. She giggled while washing the dishes, glad that Takeshi was so animated.

“So, do you and Satoshi get along well?” she started.

Well, that was a terrible way to start a conversation.

“We were good friends in high school, but I wouldn’t say we get along as well now.”

“What happened?”

“I had this whole ‘run away from home’ thing and practically cut myself off from Azumano for six years.” I sheepishly admitted before changing the topic. “I still don’t get why Saehara’s so happy that I’m back though. It’s not exactly like we got along back then.”

“Maybe it’s because you two work in the same industry? And so happen to also work together?” she suggested. “And you can call him Takeshi, you know. It’d make his day.”

“I’ll think about it.”

We continued to wash the dishes, watching the men argue about another meaningless topic. I focused on the warm water running across my hands as I rinsed the soapy plates that Akane handed to me.

“If you don’t mind me asking, why did you leave?”

The answer to that question was simple, so disgustingly simple, that I almost didn’t mind answering her. It was a boy, a dumb and stupid boy, that drove me away from here, and I was a dumb and stupid girl that let him affect me that much. She would get her answer, and I wouldn’t have to hide it anymore. But the specifics? I didn’t know where to start with that.  

I stood there, frozen at the sink, while Akane patiently waited for my answer and, when she realized that I wasn’t responsive, called my name several times before I came back. After all the dishes were drying and the leftovers were packed away, Hiwatari suggested that we head home since we all had work the next day. Saehara tearfully bid us farewell while Akane handed us some of the leftovers while telling us to visit soon.

Back on the streets that surprisingly weren’t dead, I tried to block out the presence of the man accompanying me home. The rhythm of our footsteps kept my mind in check and occupied until we found ourselves stopped at a crosswalk.

“I’m sorry; I overheard your conversation,” Hiwatari confessed. “That…must’ve been a difficult question to answer.”

“It’s not a difficult question; I know the answer.” The light turned, and we started walking once more. “Sharing that answer is the hard part.”

He kept to himself as we passed by closed or closing shops. I watched the workers on the other side of the windows either dutifully working or enjoying the camaraderie amongst their coworkers after a long day of work.

“Do you think you’ll ever be able to talk about it?”

“No. I’d rather take it with me to my grave than let anyone know.”

Glancing at his face to see his reaction to my statement, I saw the slight frown and furrowed eyebrows that formed his concerned expression. I didn’t intrude and decided to leave him with his thoughts as he accompanied me back home.

…

I leaned in, softly kissing him before pulling away.

Only then did common sense finally return to me. Unable to face him, I averted my attention from his shocked face to the stitching on my covers, bracing myself for his reaction.

“I’m sorry,” I started. “I’m sick, and I really shouldn’t have done that. Well, I shouldn’t be doing that even if I am well! I mean, you don’t even like me that way, and I just did that without your consent and—”

“Risa, please look at me.”

I unwillingly met his eyes, greeted by an unfamiliar expression. How could someone look so serious yet gentle at the same time?

“Yes?” I whispered, terrified of the events to come.

“Risa, I like you.”

“I like you, too?” I responded in confusion. “We wouldn’t be friends if we didn’t like each other, silly.”

“No, Risa, I love you.”

The words hung heavy in the air, and I let out a forced laugh. What the hell was going on? “No, you don’t. You even said so yourself that you don’t like me that way.”

“Then, for both of our sakes, let’s pretend that I do.”

With my mouth ajar and eyes widened, I stared at him. He couldn’t possibly be implying what I think he was implying. And the implications of such a thing…

“For us to have some semblance of happiness and love,” he earnestly said. “This may be the closest we may ever get.”

The words of rejection sat on my tongue, immobilized from what he was saying. Fake happiness and love to perhaps gain the genuine thing? What kind of insane logic was that?

But something deep inside told me that this was it. This was the closest I was ever going to get to have my feelings reciprocated. And even though I should’ve been strong and not given into finally having some part of my dream come true, that logic-defying bastard of my heart won because, my _God_ , I didn’t realize how badly I wanted this to happen.

Nodding my head, he gently cupped my face before leaning in, leaving a chaste kiss at the edge of my lips before trailing his lips along my chin and slowly, ever so slowly, down my neck. We spent the rest of the night cuddling and kissing, until we fell asleep.

When I woke up, he was long gone, leaving a hastily scribbled note on the crumpled sheets he once occupied.

_Let’s keep this a secret, and I’ll see you tonight. I love you, Risa._

This was the beginning of the biggest mistake of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. And the next chapter isn't going to be any better.


	9. Ghost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks are now denoted with a /...\ break.

##### This time, I might just disappear.

“Someone’s late today,” Saehara smirked.

“Shut up,” I breathed, winded from having rushed over here. “What’d I miss?”

“This!” He gestured to the surprisingly busy police force. Most of them carried huge boxes of paperwork while they frantically ran around, but some of them had a gift of some sort in their hands. They briefly stepped into the Police Commissioner’s office only to come out moments later with their colorful presents replaced by paperwork as, they too, joined the horde and scurried to their destinations. “What do you think is going on?”

I shrugged before sitting down to work while Saehara shot up, steno pad in his hand, to satiate his curiosity. He returned much later than usual, plopping onto the sofa with uncharacteristic lethargy and a distant expression on his face. His clothes became more wrinkled during his absence and his hair, although already unruly, started reaching Einstein levels of messiness.

“Hey, Harada-imouto, I think you should go check up on Satoshi.”

“Why should I?”

“Please.”

Hearing the desperation in his voice, I headed towards Hiwatari’s office and knocked. No one answered, so I let myself in, softly opening and closing the door behind me. There Hiwatari laid on his sofa, staring up at the ceiling. He turned to face me, and I felt cornered from his stare.

“Are you…okay?” I croaked even though it was painfully obvious that he wasn’t.

He shook his head before sitting up, patting the seat next to him, but I sat on the other side of the sofa, ample space away from him. He looked lost, staring at his hands as if they weren’t his.

I didn’t want to pry, knowing that I would be overstepping a boundary if I asked. My presence during such a vulnerable time was already pushing it. And so we sat there in silence, intermittently disturbed by someone dropping a gift off with words of encouragement and consolation in exchange for some paperwork.

Hiwatari’s mood didn’t seem to improve, despite the gestures of his coworkers, so I pulled out my phone and messaged Daisuke. He arrived fairly quickly, and I left the room before one of them could stop me. When I returned to my workspace, Saehara wasn’t there, so I sat down and continued my work to get my mind off of Hiwatari.

/…\

Despite everything, Hiwatari always seemed to have his life under control. When college entrance exam time rolled around, Riku got so stressed out from the extensive cram school sessions she had. Even Daisuke, known for heading to bed at a reasonable time, stayed up late finishing up his portfolio for admissions. And I had quickly cracked under the sheer amount of studying I decided to undertake. But Hiwatari stayed collected despite his workload, somehow managing to free up his already packed schedule in case any one of us needed him.

Then again, I knew he was better at hiding it compared to most people. And before walking into that office, I had only seen him remotely shut down twice.

The first time was during the _Kokuyoku_ fiasco. And the second was when…

…it was when he decided to completely share his story of Rio HIkari, of the burden he bared, of the relationship he shared with Kei. He managed to maintain his composure until he finished and saw me crying.

He pulled me into an embrace so tight that I couldn’t breathe before burying his face into the crook of my neck. Despite his unwavering voice, I felt his warm tears fall on my skin as he apologized for telling me his story over and over again. I returned his hug, hoping that it would at least give him some comfort, but he didn’t stop until he had fallen asleep, probably spent from all that crying. Just like a child, I tucked him in next to me, holding him close as I patted his head until, I too, drifted off.

Seeing him, looking like that on that sofa, almost spurred me to pull him into my arms and cry.

Almost.

…

Coming back home after work, I rested my feet on the sofa and turned on the TV. I decided to leave the Japanese drama rerun on, enjoying the end of another busy day when I heard the front door swing open then slam shut, revealing a frustrated Riku. She tossed her purse onto the countertop before removing her hair tie and marching upstairs. Minutes later, she came down, having changed from her work clothes into a t-shirt and jeans before shooting me a look of both anger and confusion.

“What are you still doing here?”

“Did…something happen?” I checked my phone in case I had missed a message, but there was nothing.

The emotions on her face subsided, replaced by realization. “So you actually didn’t know…”

“Didn’t know what?”

“That Kei Hiwatari died. We’re—”

I blocked out everything Riku said after those words, turning off the TV and stumbling towards her. I was already in my pajamas, but I didn’t care enough to change into something more presentable. My brain had shut down trying to fully process the news while Riku rambled on beside me as my legs went through the motions, carrying me to wherever the hell our destination was.

We eventually arrived at the Niwa household and walked in to see Hiwatari next to Daisuke on the floor at the low table with Saehara and Akane across from them. Mrs. Emiko, Mr. Kosuke, and Grandpa Daiki sat on the sofa, indifferent to the situation. Argentine and Towa weren’t present, probably because of extra people in the house, and Ritsuko leaned against a wall, busy with her phone. Riku, unaffected by the stifling silence, sat next to Daisuke, completely in control of the situation as she comforted Hiwatari while I took my place by Ritsuko on the outskirts of the group.

To think that Hiwatari would willingly have this many people around him during such a time without him having any qualms about their presence was not something I ever expected to witness.

“What happened?” Riku calmly asked, and her words sounded like glass shattering onto a cold, hard floor.

“Kei’s brother called him this morning saying that Kei had passed, and that he’s going to Vienna to help prepare the funeral,” Daisuke explained. “Satoshi, you don’t have to go if you—”

“I have to go,” Hiwatari adamantly said. “I just can’t go alone.”

“But your uncle will be there,” Saehara pointed out.

“I…I need one of you there with me.”

I watched the people at the table look at each other with regret. One by one, they started listing off legitimate reasons for why they couldn’t accompany Hiwatari. As much as his friends loved and cared for him, they couldn’t exactly put their lives on hold for a week. No one had the time, unfortunately. After he asked the younger adults in the room, he briefly caught my eye before shaking his head, sparing the two of us from having a contrived conversation. He turned around, about to ask the older Niwas when Riku decided to open that big, fat mouth of hers.

“What about Risa?” she asked. I bit my lip and felt Ritsuko lightly placed her hand on my arm. This wasn’t going to be pretty. “I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have anything planned for next week.”

“Riku, I really don’t think I’m in any position to accompany him,” I told her. “My supervisor probably won’t let me have such a long break since I was recently hired. And I’m sure Daisuke’s relatives wouldn’t mind going with him.”

“But if you can go, why do you have to bother them? After all, you’re—”

“Riku.” Hiwatari’s stern voice cut through her words. I winced. “I appreciate your sentiments, but you shouldn’t push Harada-san to come with me if she doesn’t want to. You may be her sister but that doesn’t mean that you can speak for her on her behalf.” He looked like he wanted to say more but he pursed his lips instead, as if he had to physically stop himself from whatever else might’ve poured out.

She quieted down, shocked from Hiwatari’s scolding, and the evening continued, heavy with tension despite Saehara’s best attempts at lightening the mood, until everyone started leaving. Riku wanted to head home too but, after what happened earlier, I didn’t want to be alone with her, so Daisuke accompanied her home, leaving only me and Hiwatari left. The older Niwas had retired upstairs after everyone unanimously decided that Kosuke would go with Hiwatari, and the artworks were about, cleaning up after the company.

“You…really didn’t have to do that,” I told him from my new spot across from him at the low table. “I would’ve eventually butt in once I couldn’t stand it anymore. And Riku is right in a way, you know.”

“I know, but the way she was acting pissed me off.”

“She meant well. She’s just looking out for you, that’s all.”

“It’s annoying.”

I smiled, seeing myself from several days ago. “That just means she cares.”

The ticking of the clock and the whir of the air conditioner filled the space between us. Argentine and Towa left the kitchen around then, and I shot them an apology for my last visit as they passed by to go upstairs. They replied saying that it was their mistake for not being aware of the situation, eying both Hiwatari and I as they slowly made their way up, probably wary to leave us alone. But they too eventually left, and the miscellaneous noises of the house rushed back in.

“Hey,” I carefully started, picking at my chipped nail polish. Anything to make the delivery easier and keep my attention from Hiwatari’s face. And also to get my mind off the words about to leave my mouth. “Do you want me to go with you?”

Silence, probably from processing and contemplation. “I don’t want to impose. And Kosuke is more than capable. Really.”

If anyone was imposing, it was me. “You’re not.” Now, I had to make a joke to lighten the situation. Force a smile… “Besides, Vienna sounds like a fun vacation.”

“You’re supposed to support me, not gallivant through a foreign city by your lonesome.” Failure. I could hear the disbelief in his voice.

Alright. I could still salvage this. “I’m joking.” But I kind of wasn’t. “Half joking. I’ll pay for myself. And Vienna really does sound fun to explore during our down time. Kosuke still has to come as some type of buffer and dependable support, but I’ll be there for comfort or whatever else you need. Plus, the more the merrier, right?” Damn, nervous rambling was not a part of my plan.

“…why?”

“I…don’t know. I know that I really shouldn’t be going on this trip with you but, at the same time, I can’t exactly bring myself to leave you be in that situation, especially when I know that, to some degree, I’m able to handle it. And no, it’s not because of what Riku said. It’s of my own volition.”

I couldn’t not stare at Hiwatari anymore, so I cautiously looked up from my nails. He had a gentle smile on his face. I hadn’t seen that expression in such a long time. If the table hadn’t been between us, as well as everything else in the past, he probably would’ve hugged me. Or I would’ve hugged him. Well, some sort of physical sign of gratitude would’ve occurred for sure even if it wasn’t an embrace.

“Thank you.” Those words came across as a whisper. “Let me walk you home.”

I shook my head as we both got up. “Walk me to your place.” He shot me a concerned look. “It’s already late, so I don’t want to bother anyone. You’re sleeping here tonight, too. And after your stunt earlier, I don’t think me heading back home is a good idea.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’ll be unconscious for most of my time there, so it’s fine. And I’ll head back home tomorrow morning after I wake up. Right now, Riku needs some sleep and time by herself.”

I sent her a message telling her not to wait up for me before following Hiwatari back to his apartment. He opened his front door while I settled down on the sofa.

“You can take my bed,” he offered. I looked at him like he was insane, and he retreated into his room, coming back out with two pillows and a blanket. “Hopefully, these don’t stink.” He then left his keys on the table in front of me. “Just hand them over tomorrow. Good night, Harada-san.”

“Good night, Hiwatari-san. And thank you.”

I locked the door behind him before fixing the pillows and blanket. Surprisingly, the sofa was quite soft, his pillows were fluffy yet supportive, and his blanket was wonderfully plush but…

Well, they didn’t stink per say, but they stunk of him.

Turning on some music, I fell asleep listening to a piano, floating away from my odd present.

/…\

We had made the mutual decision not to tell anyone of the new nature of our relationship. We weren’t dating or formally boyfriend and girlfriend; rather, we danced past being just friends into a realm of confusing boundaries filled with almosts and not-quite-rights.

He came over often, about every other day or so, and we’d keep each other company until we were too spent to do anything else. Still running on an oxytocin high, we’d lay there in the dark, me usually encased in his arms, as we talked about anything and everything. He’d share little tidbits about himself, like why he liked kit-kats so much (his host parents always had some lying around, so he’d sometimes snack on a few while studying) or why he preferred sunrises to sunsets (something about how the night would give way to the day and that, during those brief moments, the world would pause just to admire the horizon’s beauty.) And, other times, he would talk about Krad or his father.

Whenever he spoke of Kei, he sounded like he was talking about a boss or a colleague: his voice was laced with respect and slight discomfort, lacking any sort of familiarity in his tone. However, as we spent more time together, that façade crumbled away as Hiwatari began to tell me stories of the Kei he knew growing up. He shared memories of playing together with him, of looking up to him, of moments filled with unimaginable joy. The picture he painted drastically contrasted that of the Kei I knew. But something happened, and the kindness that Kei once genuinely possessed became a charade he hid behind, obscuring his manipulative and selfish soul underneath.

Whatever ounce of love that was there was gone, and Hiwatari became a tool for Kei to have some control over the Hikari artworks. With a smile, he’d use cleverly veiled threats or even offer some insincere familial love to coerce Hiwatari to follow his plans. All the unspeakable events that happened were, in some way, shape, or form, the results of Kei’s orders.

Hiwatari hated Krad, but he hated Kei even more because, deep inside, he wanted to believe in those words of affirmation and love. He wanted to, and fooled himself into trusting them, until Kei had rudely reminded him of the harsh truth of his reality. He could deal with Krad’s toxicity; he was predictable, and Hiwatari eventually became numb to that parasite residing in his body. But he couldn’t deal with Kei, with the man he could no longer read. Krad could literally turn his body into a bloody mess and Hiwatari would mindlessly deal with it, but a single word from Kei sent his brain into overdrive as he fought against his logos and pathos.

And when Krad was finally sealed away for good and Kei had disappeared, Hiwatari didn’t know how to deal with this sudden freedom. Instead of properly dealing with the dependency issues thrust upon him, he flung himself towards friends and work. While Kei still had a strong hold on the poor boy, it eventually waned with time.

Alas, with the death of someone you equal parts loved and hated, anyone would find themselves struggling with their phantom once more.

…

After a less than restful sleep, I headed back home to freshen up for another day at work. I headed to the news station first, asking if I could take a week’s leave because of a family emergency. And when I miraculously got that, I headed straight for the police station, dropping off Hiwatari’s keys and admiring the care baskets and flowers that decorated his office before heading out to my usual spot, greeting Takeshi with a smile.

He smiled before hugging me, almost in tears at the fact that I finally used his first name. That alone just made my day.

And after I headed home, I sat in the dining room with my music deafeningly loud while I browsed apartment listings. I stumbled upon a one bed, one bath close to the cliffs with a beautiful view of the ocean. Mizuame de Noisette was close by too, so I could always drop by if I wanted to treat myself without worrying anyone. I bookmarked it, but I still went through the list to see if anything could top it.

“Boo!”

I screamed before turning around to see Riku straight from work. She had her hair up in a little stub of a ponytail, and her bangs were clipped to the side. She wore all black, reminding me of a ninja whose sole purpose was to terrify her sister.

“You’re going to blow out your eardrums if you listen to music that loudly,” she chirped, lowering its volume before taking the seat next to me. “So, what’re you doing?”

“Looking for apartments.”

“Risa, do you hate me that much that you need to leave me?” I shot her a dirty look, and she just cackled. “I kid. Has anything caught your eye?”

“Yup. If I sign the lease, move-in’s only a month away.”

“A month? But that’s when Daisuke and I are going to Zurich!” she exclaimed.

“Well, you can always visit after your trip.” And she would, inevitably, drop by after Daisuke pops the question. I bit my lip to keep myself from accidentally spilling.

“But it’s not going to be the same! Moving in is the fun part!”

“Yeah, it’ll be fun as long as you’re not around.”

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?”

We both laughed. Luckily, she hadn’t said anything about last night, so I assumed that she had gotten over it. That or the fact that she conveniently forgot about it. But, knowing her, she was waiting to bring it up, and the brief lull we found ourselves in was the perfect time to change the conversation.

“So, about last night…” she started, as if on cue. “I’m sorry. It seemed like you guys were getting along, so I thought it’d be okay.”      

“Don’t worry about it. You meant well.”

“It’s hard seeing you two act like that, especially since you two got along so well in high school. I’d never seen the two of you happier, which is saying something considering that Satoshi’s pretty content these days.”

I took in a deep breath before letting it out in a long and prominent exhale. Riku really did have a way with words. And by that, I meant that she knew exactly what to say to worsen an already sensitive situation.

“Sorry,” she quickly apologized after noticing my obvious discomfort.

“It’s fine.” We found ourselves at yet another stalemate, and the light notes of my music floated through the air. “Well, to change the subject, I’m going with Hiwatari-san and Mr. Kosuke to Vienna.”

“Are you sure? You’re not pushing yourself to go or anything?”

“Nah. It sounds like a great vacation.” Riku rolled her eyes at that. “Honestly though? I felt like I had to go. Not just to support him, because I know I can’t fully do that by myself which is why Mr. Kosuke is still going, but also for myself. For closure, you know? Maybe if I saw Hiwatari do it, I might be able to do it, too.”

“For Dark? Or for Satoshi?”

“Why mention Hiwatari-san?”

“Risa, we’re not that dumb. Everyone knows that what happened in high school was because of Satoshi. It’s just no one knows why. You two are awfully good at staying mum about it.”

“For both, I suppose.”   

She nodded before getting up. “Well, I feel like I’ve overstayed my welcome by meeting the ‘dark side’ of Risa, so I’ll leave you be. Just knock on my door if you need me, good luck with searching, and you better bring me along to see the place when you tour it!”

Meekly waving her goodbye, I returned to my screen, turning the volume up so loudly that I started thinking to its beat, drowning the silence of the night with the waves of piano runs.

…

“Why is he here?” Risuko asked, frowning when she noticed Takeshi trailing behind me. She messaged me in the morning, asking to meet up for lunch as a check-up of sorts and, well, I was in the mood to eat out despite it being my turn to bring lunch for me and Takeshi so he, unfortunately, decided to tag along.

“For food. Don’t mind him.” Yet she very much so did, shooting him a nasty look that I could feel him returning. I headed over to the hostess, asking to be seated to avoid their petty fight that they continued when it came to deciding who would sit next to me once we arrived at our table and I, fed up with them, shot them a glare as they slunk into the seats across from me. If they couldn’t get along, the proper thing to do was have them sit together and stare at the empty spot they couldn’t have.

After the waiter took our orders and menus, Ritsuko decided to break the silence.

“How’re you feeling?” she cautiously asked.

I shrugged. “Alright? I do know that I’m excited to go to Vienna.”

“Wait, you’re going with him?” they simultaneously asked, shooting each other a disgusted look before returning to me.

“Are you sure you’re not pushing yourself?” Ristuko’s voice was laced with concern.

“You shouldn’t have to feel obligated to go because no one else can,” Takeshi added.

Even though this was starting like my conversation with Riku last night, I didn’t want it to follow the same direction it did, so I had to come up with an excuse.

“Well, Mr. Kosuke is dependable, but he’s more of a family member and mentor than a friend. And sometimes you just need a friend.”

“You two aren’t exactly friends,” Ritsuko pointed out. Crap. Bad call. “Out of all of us, you’re the least qualified to go with him.”

“We’re just worried about you two, yanno? Dealing with the death of that jackass of a father isn’t something you can just casually deal with.” I expected him to make some type of gesture, like one of those detectives when they’re explaining something in the movies, but he sat there with his arms resting on the table like any other person. “You probably know a helluva lot more about that douchebag than me for sure, but that’s a heavy burden you’re going to help him carry. You’re gonna have to be strong if you want to support Satoshi because you’re getting yourself into a situation where the past and present are gonna intertwine into a terrifying beast, and it might be too much for you to handle.”

“I know.” The waiter came by, dropping off our waters. I laughed when he left, and both Ritsuko and Takeshi watched me in confusion. “Sorry, I just never thought I’d have a serious conversation with you, Takeshi.”

He shot me a toothy grin. “Chief said the same thing a while back.”

And with that, the conversation returned to casual ground. Ritsuko and Takeshi argued, somehow still unable to get along with each other for some reason. At some point, I was worried that they’d start flinging their food at each other, but they still had some shred of decorum. (This is considering the fact that they started to kick each other under the table, however that works whenever you’re kicking someone sitting next to you.)

When we left the restaurant, Ritsuko pulled me into a hug, wishing me well. Her hands lingered on my shoulder much longer than necessary. She probably meant it as encouragement, as well as a silent message to rethink my decision, before elegantly walking away in her heels.

Work went along just like any other day until it was time for Takeshi to leave. Instead of flying out those doors as soon as he was off the clock, he sat next to me with his attention on his phone. He left when Hiwatari walked out, but the two of them stood outside the station and talked as if they were waiting for someone.

After I edited the last story, I packed up and walked outside, about ready to just pass the men by until Takeshi stopped me.

“Um…see ya tomorrow, Risa.” Takeshi never seemed at a loss for words; in fact, he just couldn’t contain what he wanted to share with the world. But, at that moment, he sounded like he was struggling to even string a sentence together, as if, for once, he had no idea what to say. Takeshi hesitated, and I realized that his prolonged presence was along the same lines as Ritsuko’s earlier gesture before he finally walked off at a normal pace with his hands in his pockets.

He probably wanted to walk me home, but Hiwatari said something. Hiwatari always did something, if I had to be honest.

“You scared him off,” I teased even though I wished that Takeshi didn’t leave.

“He had somewhere to be is all,” he smoothly replied, but we both knew that that was a lie. “Is it alright if I accompany you home for the day?”

“Why the sudden urge for chivalry?”

“I just…I wanted to talk to you. Lighten the load before we head off to Vienna?”

“Why not dissuade me like the level-headed person you are?”

“Well, I would, but you’re awfully stubborn when you’ve already set your mind on something. And, despite our circumstances, knowing that you’re there gives me a sense of comfort that even Kosuke couldn’t grant me.”

Somewhere inside, his words made me wince. And so, we headed back home in the twilight as we chatted. I learned about why Ritsuko and Takeshi still couldn’t get along. (He had somehow accidentally sabotaged a good date and potential relationship, and there was no way in hell that she was going to let it go anytime soon.) Hiwatari also talked about Daisuke’s potential proposal plan which resulted in us having second-hand embarrassment from the likely case that something goes completely wrong.

“That was nice,” I told Hiwatari at the gate, reluctantly admitting to myself that I was enjoying his casual presence. “Thank you for walking me.”

He shook his head. “No, thank you for letting me walk with you.”

I had half a mind to say farewell so I could spent the evening berating myself at my sudden change in heart, but I paused halfway through the gate and turned around. “Would you—um—like to stay for dinner?”

Hiwatari blinked, caught off-guard by my offer, before giving me a small smile to offset his initial shock. “Sure. Thank you.”

He pushed the already open gate wider, waiting for me to fully walk in before letting it shut behind us. I awkwardly fumbled with my keys, trying not to crack under Hiwatari’s scrutinizing gaze before I finally opened the door to see Riku, dressed up for work, at the countertop.

She turned around to see us. “Hey, Risa! And what’s up, Satoshi?”

“Hopefully not Kei,” he responded, and my sister laughed. “Are you headed for work?”

“Yup. In a bit. I’ve been trying to plan our trip to Zurich, but I don’t know what I really want to do.”

“I can send you suggestions later if you’d like.”

“That’d be great. Thanks, Satoshi!” She closed her laptop before hopping off the highchair. “I’ll be off then! You two better behave while I’m gone!” Her cackling lingered in the air long after she closed the door behind her.

“Well, make yourself comfortable,” I told him. “I’m going to ask my parents what they want for dinner.”

“Are you…cooking?” he cautiously asked.

“Yes.” His face blanched. “I’m not that bad, okay? I’ve learned my way around the kitchen after living alone for the past six years.”

He still looked unconvinced, so I left him and headed off to my parents’ room. I knocked on their door and, getting permission to come in, I saw them sitting on the bed next to each other as they watched a movie. My mom leaned on my dad’s shoulder, about ready to fall asleep when she noticed me at the door. She turned to me with a polite smile while my dad turned the volume down.

Usually, I would linger to chat about their day before leaving, but I had quickly asked them what they wanted for dinner (mapo tofu) before leaving the room. They weren’t doing anything remotely disturbing, but I felt awkward, as if stumbled upon something intimate.

Retreating into the kitchen, I grabbed a beer and packaged baumkuchen before joining Hiwatari, who was watching _The Phantom of the Opera._ I took the seat next to him, trying to disregard the disapproving look on his face.

“You’re going to ruin your dinner.”

“Leave me be,” I grumbled, hearing the click of the can opening and tearing the plastic keeping me away from my cake. “And I didn’t pin you as a musical kind of guy.”

“I watched an official showing during a trip in Prague, and I’ve liked musicals ever since.” He paused. “Miss Saigon’s my favorite.”

I had a stifle a laugh since Christine and Raoul were on the screen, singing their love from the rooftop. Imagine this: Hiwatari sitting in the audience, completely enchanted with the love story unfolding before him. When the scene changed, I excused myself into the kitchen to start cooking and laugh at that mental image. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that Hiwatari had followed me into the kitchen, so I turned around to see him slightly pouting.

“It was touching,” he explained, as if that would help him save face. It only made me laugh harder.

“Touching?” I managed to breathe. “When did you become a sap?”

“When I spent too much time watching dramas with Emiko, Towa, and Argentine, but it might’ve been your grand delusions of romance that started it all.”

I stopped laughing. “Excuse me? _My_ grand delusions of romance? How dare you—”

“Harada-san, at the rate that we’re going, we’re not going to finish cooking dinner tonight.”

“We?”

“As your guest, I insist on helping you. I trust myself to some degree in the kitchen. More so than you, at least.”

Letting his well-meant yet somewhat brutal concern roll off of me, I asked him to wash and cut the vegetables while I cubed the tofu. I finished fairly quickly, putting the tofu aside in a bowl before turning to watch Hiwatari, ever so serious with the mushrooms.

Both of us were helpless cooks in high school. After I moved to Tokyo though, I lived on convenience store food and school food until my friends held an intervention and helped me learn how to cook. Watching Hiwatari carefully cut up those vegetables, awkwardly holding them with his left hand, made me laugh. He looked like he was performing a surgery and not something as menial as cooking.

When he finished them, I tossed them into the pan where the ground beef was already cooking before adding the seasonings. And when all that was left was to leave the food on the stove for a bit, I opened up another can of beer.

_K-chk._

“Should you be having another one?” Hiwatari asked wearily.

“It’s the end of the week, and I’m home.”

He nodded, either accepting that answer or deciding not to bother dissuading me. “Hand me one.”

I handed him a can with a smirk. “Are you sure this is enough for you?” I asked, vaguely referencing the huge stash I stumbled upon at his apartment.

“More than enough,” he answered taking a sip, completely unaware of what I was insinuating. “Any more than this, and both Daisuke and Takeshi would have my ass.”

I raised my eyebrows, unsure of how to respond. Sure, that sounded hilarious but—wait, could it be possible that Hiwatari’s worse than me when drunk?

“There’ve been too many instances in which things have happened, so I drink sparingly in public. My apartment, however, is fair game.” He shot me a smirk, and I returned an awkward smile. I didn’t really need the mental image of Hiwatari bumbling around his apartment completely wasted.

We returned to the movie, waiting until the food finished cooking. I called my parents when it was done, and the three of us returned to the table to see Hiwatari setting down the bowls. (He knew where they were?) They greeted each other, quite familiarly, before we dug into the food that everyone complimented me on. I spent most of dinner silent, watching my parents animatedly speak with Hiwatari who was equally engaged. And when we finished, my parents and Hiwatari tided up the table and shooed me upstairs. I changed out of my work clothes into something more comfortable, wiping the makeup off my face before heading downstairs to see that they had finished and moved onto the couch, watching TV while casually chatting.

I paused at the bottom of the stairs, taking in the scene as an observer. My parents knew Hiwatari since middle school, and they treated him as one of my friends from school whenever he was over back then. But this wasn’t polite small talk. This was friends who often spent time together, just like a makeshift family.

Family? How did this happen? Was it because I was gone? Did Hiwatari conveniently fill the hole that my absence had opened? I just knew, from looking at them, that I had no place in this living room scene, and I quietly headed back up to prepare for seeing the apartment tomorrow and, possibly, signing the lease.

In the middle of a Tsum Tsum game, I heard a knock on my door. After telling whoever it was to come in, the door swung open. Hiwatari stood at the threshold, unmoving, as if there was an invisible barrier keeping him from stepping inside.

“Riku’s here, so I’ll be heading back now.” He slightly bowed. “Thank you for dinner.”

“Thank you for helping me make it. And for keeping my parents company.”

Those last words hurt to utter, but I just forced a small smile to hide the tension building inside me. He didn’t notice, instead nodding before turning around. “Be safe,” I called after him as he walked down the hallway before disappearing from my line of sight. I returned to my phone, trying to tune out the sound of laughter coming from downstairs.

/…\

I stood there, face to face with an unconscious Hiwatari in a sterile hospital room. Daisuke and Riku were elsewhere in their own beds, fully conscious and harboring injuries that would only keep them here for a couple more days. I, miraculously, only came out of that ordeal with small bruises and scratches but…

I sat in one of the chairs, taking in the emptiness of his room. My parents were dutifully by Riku’s side, and her room was stuffed with beautiful bouquets, balloons, fruit baskets and gifts galore. She was also healing well. Daisuke’s room was filled with his rambunctious family and food, and his vitality was slowly trickling back after Dark’s final farewell.

But Hiwatari? All he had was this bare room and the possibility that he might not make it. At the time, I only pitied the state that he was in, unaware that this was yet another entry on his ever-growing list of unfortunate events that’ve plagued his life since birth. And that these burdens had estranged him from the human basics of family, friends, and any other forms of love.

He honestly deserved everything he had now. He deserved that job, his unofficial family, and the friends he could finally hold close to him. Perhaps it was my stubbornness that kept me away from that, from finally stepping into my own shoes and living my life. Because Hiwatari moved past everything, but I had decided to wallow in the past and turn the other direction.

And that same stubbornness that kept me away from everyone here who had, some way or another, learned how to live without me.

…

Riku walked into the kitchen while I had a croissant hanging from my mouth. “Good morning, floating croissant! Here’s to another butter-ful day!” She laughed, tearing off a piece of the pastry before plopping it into her mouth.

I took the croissant out of my mouth. “That was awful.”

“Aw. I thought you liked puns.”

“I think it’s just too early for me to appreciate them right now,” I grumbled, quickly finishing my breakfast.

Riku decided to have some eggs with toast, so I put some bread in the toaster while she labored over the stove. My parents couldn’t accompany me today for reasons I couldn’t recall (or maybe never received), so it was just me and Riku checking out the apartment.

“I can’t wait to see the place,” she said when we finally left the house, basking in the morning sun.

“You’ll love it. The realtor said that I found a steal.”

“Of course you would.”

Groaning at her remark, I ignored her chuckling as we made our way to the apartment. Despite Riku’s pleasant conversation, I couldn’t help but think about how weird it was that my parents weren’t with me. If they’re able to, parents would want to see their child’s new home, right?

Maybe I only had them on my mind because of last night. Growing up, Riku and I weren’t particularly close to them because they were busy with work some way or another. Riku told me they cut down on their hours shortly after I left because their age was catching up to them, and they’ve apparently gotten really close since then. They’d also gotten really close to Hiwatari, too.

I wished I could chalk up their absence to denial at their daughter growing up, but seeing how much they talked to Hiwatari last night, I really didn’t know. Was it unfamiliarity? Was it those six years that I’ve been gone? Or was it a lack of an extremely meaningful relationship during the eighteen years prior to my leave?

Honestly, I thought Hiwatari would be my only problem moving here. Yet there I was, sitting in the trolley and facing the existential crisis hidden by Hiwatari’s initially problematic presence.

Luckily, this trip wasn’t long enough for me to continue down that devastating train of thought, as we arrived at the apartment where the realtor greeted us with a smile. She led us up to the room, allowing us to revel at the wonderful furnishings, big windows, and spacious floorplan.

“If you don’t get this, I’m going to hold it against you for the rest of your life,” she whispered as we headed downstairs to see if I wanted to finalize this decision.

“Well, I’m getting it, so you have one less thing to hang over my head.”

Minutes later, I became the new tenant of apartment 314, at least comforted in the fact that I finally had my own place.

…

“You really like this café, don’t you?”

We headed towards the cash register, looking at the menu scrawled out above it. “Yeah, you could say that.”

When we finally ordered, the cashier asked if that was all, shooting me a knowing look. I nodded, focused on that ever-present, cordial smile on her face as she greeted the next customer.

Riku chose to sit at the table where I usually spent my drunken evenings, and I couldn’t help but crack a smile at that. We casually talked until a waiter dropped our orders off.

“Is that all you’re going to eat?” she asked, suspiciously eying the house salad in front of me.

“Yeah. Why?” Her pasta covered in a cream-based sauce and bowl of hearty soup looked wonderful, but I knew eating that now would be too much. My body could only handle light meals during stressful times, and I was flying out to Vienna in less that twelve hours.

“It’s just odd seeing you eat such healthy food.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

She laughed as I crunched on my salad, feigning frustration. I really did miss hanging out with Riku like this.

“You know, it’s weird,” she said, somewhat wistful. “At this age, I thought you’d have a steady boyfriend or even be married while I’d be forever single, wholly uninterested in dating.”

“And yet you’re the one with a boyfriend you’ve been in a relationship with for more than ten years, and I’m the one ‘woefully’ single.”

“Was it Dark?” she calmly asked, channeling that uncanny ability of hers to escalate an innocent conversation.

“What do you mean?” I asked, hoping that she would stop herself if I acted dense.

“That kept you single.”

Apparently, she was dead set on digging. “I don’t think so. I loved him. He loved me. And we were star-crossed lovers that were never meant to be. If anything, it probably was the huge emotional dependency that came with that relationship that’s kept me single.”

“And Hiwatari only made it worse.”

“…yeah. Even though we were friends, I carried a lot from that relationship. More so than Ritsuko and Mari combined.”

Riku raised her eyebrows, as if my claim that Hiwatari and I were friends wasn’t true. “We were friends! F-R-I-E-N-D-S! Why is that not registering in your brain?!”

She laughed. “Sorry. It’s too awkward for me to see you mope like that. And, well, any relationship comes with emotional dependency. You just have to find one that doesn’t have one as high as those.”

“I know.”

“So was it just the emotional dependency issues keeping you from dating?”

It wasn’t. I never even gave any of those guys I went on dates with a chance. Just the idea of letting them in and getting attached to them romantically scared me. If I couldn’t trust myself in a state of infatuation, how could I trust anyone else while I was in said state? To give them a part of me only to have them drop it on the floor in an instant? Who wouldn’t find that absolutely terrifying?

Sure, most of the breakups I’ve heard never reached such dramatic extremes, but I still—

“The fact that you’re not answering me means that there’re more reasons, but you don’t want to tell me about them.” She shook her head. “If this happened because of life in general, I’m sorry and slightly worried about you. But I swear, if it’s someone else’s fault that turned _you_ into someone unwilling to pursue romance, they’re going to have to pay for what they’ve done!” She waved her fork around, almost as if she was practicing for their meeting.

I laughed, appreciating her humorous take on supporting me. But if she ever did find out, I wasn’t sure what she’d do. There were too many possibilities, but I knew they would all be awful.

Once we finished our meal, after transitioning into some talk about skincare, I ordered a drink. Two drinks. Okay, more than two drinks. Riku just watched me with amusement and enlightenment.

“So this is where you go to lose yourself!”

“I can’t help it! These drinks are good!”   

“Yeah, good for worrying other people!”

“Come on! Just try a sip! Please!”

She took one. “Okay. I admit it. They’re pretty good, but I’m leaving you here if you have one more.

I whimpered, but she just laughed before looking out the window. I followed her gaze to the sun setting, casting its warm hues on the ocean and filling me with a sense of peace I hadn’t felt in far too long.

“You’re gifted with such a lovely view every day.” She sighed. “One day, there’s going to be someone who’s going to find you to be just as beautiful as this. You’re going to find them equally, if not more, beautiful in return, and that feeling you have right now? That’s how it’s going to feel. None of this despair and anxiety: just peace.”

I blinked, shifting my attention towards Riku, who had a comforting smile on her face. She extended her hand, patting me on the shoulder before grabbing my drink and quickly chugging it down.

“Enough of this mushy stuff; I’m starting to creep myself out.”

/…\

Silence.

I focused on my breathing, trying to block out my heartbeats booming in my ears. No matter how hard I tried to run away from my truth, it always came back loud and clear: a deafening reminder of what I gave and couldn’t receive in return.

“Risa?” he asked, nuzzling his face into the crook of my neck. “Are you still awake?”

“Mmhmm.”

“I…never thought I’d get this close to anyone.”

“What about Daisuke?”

“Am I currently cradling him in my arms?”

“Well, no. And you shouldn’t because he’s taken.”

His chest rumbled as he laughed, but the atmosphere that briefly lightened turned heavy again. The intimacy returned once more, and something inside of me was slowly dying.

“After everything, I never thought that I would ever let anyone else into my life. But then Daisuke came along, bringing you, Riku, and that family of his into this once very small world of mine. The days I’ve spent with you all, especially considering how much time I thought I had left, are precious to me. But the moments with you are the ones I cherish the most.”

“Because you love me?” I asked, mouth dry from those empty words.

“Yes, because I love you very, very much…”

I rolled over, nuzzling my pillow to drone out the crescendo and fluctuating rhythm inside me. Hiwatari copied my motions, spooning me from behind. His fingers grazed my heck as he brushed my hair aside, leaving butterfly kisses that trailed from my hairline to the nape of my neck. One of his hands found itself under my shirt, slightly caressing my sides.

I closed my eyes, trying to focus on anything but his searing touch.

Perhaps he found peace in these moments with me because he finally had a home for his heart that the Niwas, that Daisuke even, couldn’t offer him. And I wanted to find that peace too, to feel safe in his arms, but I couldn’t just contently wear the blindfold I had forced upon myself. It hurt too much.

The happiness I initially found myself embroiled with quickly waned as my feelings grew, having come to terms with the fact that I had found myself in a fruitless relationship that I had no intention or energy to pull myself out of. All I could do was foolishly trust my heart to someone who could offer no concrete promises, subjecting myself to a flow I never had any control over. I would “enjoy” the moment before mentally berating myself for it, rinsing and repeating until…

Well, either way, unless a miracle occurred, I’d find myself broken anyway.

…

After that ridiculously long flight, I stumbled into the baggage claim, more than ready to collect my luggage and get some fresh Viennese air. Kosuke, despite Hiwatari and I being adults perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves, fussed over us as he fixed our hair and straightened as much as he could of our wrinkled clothing.

I hobbled over to Hiwatari, struggling to keep myself upright after being immobile for far too long. “Aren’t we meeting your uncle at the airport?”

“Yes, he should be here soon.”

I yawned. “Well, he better, because I don’t know how much longer I can—”

“Satoshi! It’s been so long!”

My blood went cold.    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update! And thank you for those keeping up with this and dropping kudos! :)


	10. O du, mein holder Abendstern

##### ~Wie Todesahnung Dämm rung deckt die Lande…~

_-Like a premonition of death, darkness covers the land…-_

I turned around to see Kei who looked like he hadn’t aged since his disappearance ten years ago. His glasses glistened under the fluorescent lights as he slowly approached us. Or maybe everything else around me slowed down as I focused on him, giving that bastard the entrance he sure as hell didn’t deserve.

Kosuke stood off to the side, unaffected by Kei’s presence while Hiwatari gasped before stiffening up. Despite my better judgement, I rested my hand on his shoulder to ground him and, maybe, offer some form of comfort.

“I thought you were dead,” Hiwatari stated as if it weren’t a matter-of-fact just proven wrong, smooshed in between a gavel and its sound block. Belying the calm tone of his voice was a growing anger I could feel from his tense shoulders.

“Most people are ecstatic to find out their loved ones aren’t actually dead,” Kei said with that sleazy smile of his. “I’m sorry to disappoint you.”

“Where’s Uncle Kazama?” Hiwatari snapped.         

“Back in Tokyo, enjoying the comforts of his bed. I just asked him for a small favor involving a little white lie.” Kei took a step forward with open arms. “I’ve missed you so much, Satoshi.”

Without even thinking, I slipped my hand off Hiwatari’s shoulder and stepped in front of him protectively. I shot a glare at Kei, hoping it would stop him it his tracks. And, even though it did, he just laughed at me. 

“How cute,” Kei remarked. “Your girlfriend takes such good care of you.”

“I’m not his girlfriend!” I barked, getting the attention of several passersby.

“But I thought you were, Harada Risa-san. Or am I mistaken?”

Hearing my name come from his mouth set off something inside of me. Whatever shred of decorum I still possessed gave way to a boiling frenzy, and I had more than half a mind to throw away the notion of public decency to slap that conceited smile off that bastard’s face. Before I could act on that impulse though, Kosuke grabbed Kei’s arm and jerked the man back.

“Kei, stop this,” Kosuke snapped. “Provoking them isn’t making this any better.” He then turned to us, and his anger gave way to distress. “I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have let the two of you come here if I knew that he’d act like this. It was already bad enough that we had to lie to you, but…”

My eyes widened, trying to process this new addition to this unfortunate chain of events unfolding before me. Hiwatari, however, marched past me with his suitcase in tow before stopping in front of Kosuke with eyes glaring and knuckles white as he gripped the handle of his luggage.

“You…knew that he was alive?” Hiwatari asked with slight hysteria in his voice.

“Yes.”

He didn’t put up a fight or bother to stay in case Kosuke wanted to apologize. Instead, Hiwatari quickly disappeared into the crowd with his things. I left my bags with Kosuke before bolting after Hiwatari, eventually spotting him waiting in line at a Starbucks, intently staring at something on his phone.

“Sorry, Harada-san,” he said once I stood next to him.

“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault.” The line had slightly moved, and we took a step forward. “Um…how’re you feeling?”

“Guilty that I’ve dragged you into this. Shocked that the damn bastard’s alive. Betrayed. Lost.” He let out a long breath. “God, I’m losing my mind here.”

“And coffee will help?”

“It’ll calm me, so it’s at least a start to diffusing this mess.”

We finally reached the cashier, and Hiwatari ordered in what sounded like German. And, after he got his order of Americano, we sat at a nearby bench.

“I…um…didn’t realize that you spoke German.”

“I’m decently conversational, but that is neither here nor there.” He paused. “You never were one to beat around the bush, Harada-san.”

“Considering that this bush is literally on fire, I’d rather be safe than sorry.” I sighed. He probably calmed down somewhat if he could slip in that comment. “So…what now?”

“Find a place to stay at for the night. Rebook the return flight. Try to forget about the time and money I wasted on that bastard.”

“And what about me and Kosuke?”

“You’re welcome to tag along but—” He stopped himself before taking a deep breath to calm the modulation in his voice and probably to avoid saying anything about Kosuke whom, while surprisingly a part of the guilty party, he still respected. “Why would he lie about that?”

“You should ask him.”

Hiwatari shot me a look, clearly upset with my reply. “Harada-san, I don’t need your non-answers right now.”

“It’s not one! It’s better for you to get the truth from him than to make baseless assumptions that could possibly ruin your relationship.”

He sighed. “Please don’t tell me this is your advice regarding Kei as well.”

“It is.” He groaned. “But instead of ruining the relationship, it’ll help you decide what exactly you want to do with it.”

“He doesn’t deserve my time,” he grumbled before taking a sip of his coffee.

“I know he doesn’t. And you don’t have to give it to him. You can hop on a plane and forget this ever happened, or you could stay and find out; it’s your decision to make.”

“You’re not going to stop me from leaving?”

I shrugged. “I’d highly recommend it but, considering I gave _you_ the time of day, I don’t think I’m in any position to stop you.”

He stayed silent, probably mulling over what I had just told him while trying to control himself so I wouldn’t be at the receiving end of his frustrations. When he finished his drink, we headed back to the baggage claim to see both Kei and Kosuke animatedly conversing at a bench. Once they noticed me and Hiwatari, Kei stayed seated, smiling like a self-righteous asshole while Kosuke stood up with a concerned expression.

“Satoshi, how’re you?”

“Awful, so let’s leave the airport before I change my mind.”

…

I didn’t pay much attention to what little conversation occurred in the car, instead opting to admire the view flitting by us. This wasn’t my situation to butt into, and I didn’t want to force myself to make awkward small talk, so I stayed silent until Kei parked his car and led us to his apartment.

“Welcome,” he greeted, opening the door. “Feel free to make yourselves at home for the upcoming week.”

I gasped at the small yet lavishly decorated entryway, cautiously eyeing the red antique vase balanced atop a small, lacquered table with intricate designs carved into it. Even the mansion I lived in wasn’t as obnoxiously decorated as this.

“You boys will be staying down here in that room over there.” He pointed to the dark-brown door by that vase. “Harada-san, you’ll be upstairs with the bedroom and bathroom all to yourself.”

“Where’re you staying?” Kosuke asked.

Kei gestured towards another door. “I have quite the comfortable chaise in my study, so I’ll be fine.” He then turned to Hiwatari with an exuberant smile before patting the young man who looked like he was teetering on the edge of death. “And you should hurry and settle in because we’ve got lunch plans!”

Hiwatari begrudgingly brought his and Kosuke’s suitcases to the room while Kei stayed by the entrance, listing the afternoon plans he had in store for Hiwatari. The four of us parted ways outside the apartment, leaving me and Kosuke free to explore Vienna.

“So, where to for lunch?”

I pulled out my phone to find a place close by, deciding on a quaint café that was walking distance away from us. The waiter greeted us in English when we walked in, but Kosuke replied in German.

“You know German, too?” I asked once we sat at a table.

“I minored in it in college,” he sheepishly admitted. “It helps whenever I have to visit the German-speaking countries to check up on the artworks.”

We looked through the menu that I, despite having a relatively decent grip on English, still couldn’t understand, so Kosuke had to explain what the dishes were. After I took forever to decide, Kosuke ordered for us in German before slipping back to Japanese once he turned to me, and I found comfort in the familiar syllables of home in the midst of this foreign country.

“I’m a bit rusty on my German, so please forgive me for using this time to practice.”

“It’s okay! I’m sure they appreciate speaking in their native language.”

And, at that moment, I realized that I had never sat down and talked to Kosuke alone. For some reason or another, he was always out and about whenever I was at the Niwa’s. He was amicable whenever we talked in a group setting, so I had nothing to worry about, but I didn’t know how to approach him in conversation when it was just the two of us.

Meaning that I would sit there in silence because I knew I had no right to pry into what I really wanted to talk about.

“There’s no need to be shy,” he said with a kind smile.

“I think I’ll stick to being shy considering.”

Kosuke let out a knowing laugh. “I’ll tell you as much as I’m comfortable with sharing.”

“…why did you start talking with Kei?”

“He had sent me a handwritten letter a couple of months after he had disappeared, so I just ignored it hoping that he wouldn’t write any more, but the letters kept coming no matter how many times I burned them up. Emiko was worried that Satoshi would find out, so I replied to Kei to dissuade him from sending anymore, but his reply persuaded me to continue our correspondence, so we then moved to using e-mail so that Satoshi wouldn’t find out unless I was extremely careless, or the young man was possessed with an uncharacteristic need to snoop.”

“What did Ms. Emiko and Grandpa Daiki think about your decision?”

“They thought it was stupid,” he said with a small smile. “But Kei visited one day, properly planned so that no one would find out that he was in town, and they warmed up to him. Now Emiko bugs him to bring a set of china and Dad asks for a tailor-made suit whenever he says he’s dropping by.” Kosuke chuckled. “Despite how Kei is acting right now, he’s changed a lot. He’s probably nervous and doesn’t know how to approach him, so he’s fallen onto something familiar.”

I nodded, staring out the window and watching the passersby. The café played some trending English hits, but it just didn’t feel right for me to internally jam to such up-tempo songs considering what had happened earlier. I also never imagined that I could ever relate to and understand Kei, so the rhythm of my surroundings helped to keep my mind off that. In a way, it felt like I was betraying Hiwatari by sympathizing with Kei, especially when whatever neutrality I thought I would have in this predicament had fizzled up the moment Kosuke revealed that he’d been talking to Kei in secret for so long.

“Uninterested?” Kosuke jokingly asked.

“No! It’s just…a lot to take in. And…I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right for me to hear this.”

“Out of everyone, I think you have the right to know.”

The waiter came by with our food, kindly greeting Kosuke before they headed towards another table and started speaking English. I played with the straw in my water cup before drawing lines onto the forming condensation, somehow unable to dig into the food in front of me

“You’ve changed,” Kosuke remarked with a kind smile as he unfolded the napkin holding his utensils. I braced myself for whatever he had to say if that expression of his was meant to soften the blow of his words. “Back then, you would’ve pestered me to tell you no matter what. You’ve grown, or regressed, depending on how you look at it.”

I had nothing to say to that two-faced remark, and he didn’t bother to continue this conversation. He kept that kind smile on his face as he reached over to grab the napkin holding my utensils, unwrapping them before handing everything back to me and asking how I wanted to spend the rest of my day. Considering everything, I honestly just wanted to sleep, but if Kosuke wanted to explore Vienna, I didn’t mind tagging along.

For now, I just had to worry about getting to know my sister’s future father-in-law.

…

I woke up to a knock on my door.

“Come in,” I grumbled, squinting as I peeked over the covers.

The door opened, and Hiwatari stepped in. He stomped towards the chair next to my bed with the nastiest expression on his face.

“How’d lunch go?” I asked, trying to quickly wake up so I could properly talk to him.

“Awful. His cloying attitude was choking me. And then he dragged me to the university he works at and introduced me to all his friends as his wayward son who had finally returned home.”

“The university?”

“He apparently teaches criminal justice and art history there.”

“Interesting.” I peeled off the covers before sitting up to lean against the cushioned headboard. “So, what made lunch so awful?”

“Because nothing happened. He was overly affectionate while somehow coming off as being completely genuine. And he had that stupid smile on his face the whole time—goddamn, it was awful.”

I nodded, mulling on an appropriate response.

“Don’t you have anything to say? Why is it that you’re so quiet whenever I want you to speak up?”

“Keep up that snappy attitude of yours, and you won’t hear the end of me.” He apologized, and I sighed. “Honestly, you really need to keep your emotions in check sometimes. And, well, have you tried telling him that he makes you uncomfortable?”

He scoffed. “What would that accomplish with such an insufferable man?”

“A lot more than you think it will, apparently. I mean, do you want to bottle it all up and have a repeat of what happened at the Niwa’s house?”

He shook his head before taking a few deep breaths. The lines of frustration on his face smoothed out, giving way to that nonplussed expression of his. “We’re going out for dinner in a bit, so please get ready.”

I laughed at his changed temperament, leading to him staring at me with slightly furrowed eyebrows from confusion at my sudden amusement. “You used to be so passive aggressive when you got angry. Either that or you’d keep to yourself until someone pestered it out of you. Now, you’re just plain aggressive.”

“I probably got that from you Harada sisters,” he joked. “You two are terrifying when you’re upset.”

“Hey!” But he laughed at me feigning offense towards his comment, and I was glad that he at least seemed to be feeling better. He dismissed himself so I could freshen up, and I put on a light face of makeup and changed into a semi-formal blouse and skirt before walking into the living room area. The light-hearted atmosphere from my room disappeared, giving way to a tension I knew I couldn’t alleviate.

“You look lovely,” Kei commented, and I politely thanked him in return. “Well then, shall we go?”

We left the apartment for the streets teeming with people. Kosuke and Kei led the way, laughing about Kei’s teaching hijinks while Hiwatari stayed a couple of paces behind. I walked next to him, asking questions about our surroundings whenever I had some, but he wasn’t much for conversing, so we spent most of the trip in silence.

Once we arrived at our destination, a high-class restaurant I was clearly underdressed for, the hostess immediately led us to a table because of Kei’s reservation. He raved on about the food while I sat down next to Hiwatari, placing my unfolded napkin on my lap and somehow finding interest in Kei’s topic of conversation.

After the first course came, because apparently there was a different meu every night depending on the chef’s mood, Kei started his official interrogation with that sleazy grin on his face and his hands folded in anticipation for the juicy information to come.

“So, you’re not dating Satoshi anymore?” he asked. Did he truly not know or was he trying to start something?

“That would imply that we were dating…sir.”

“Oh! It was like that, huh?”

I winced, squeezing the napkin resting on my lap with my hands. Any other normal person would’ve dropped such a personal topic after noticing my obvious discomfort but Kei, who apparently couldn’t read social cues, kept on. His usual lackadaisical demeanor disappeared and an unusually grave one took its place. I gulped.

“It must’ve been difficult for you then, Harada-san.”

I bit my lip. How transparent was I that Kei, who’d probably only heard about this whole ordeal from the second-hand information he received from his correspondences with Kosuke, had found out about my feelings for Hiwatari back then?

“It’s not too bad. We’re…working through it.”

“You shouldn’t have to though,” he remarked with what seemed like genuine concern. “If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t have given him a second chance. Those happy memories you’ve shared shouldn’t overshadow your awful experiences and override your common sense.”

Hiwatari stiffened up next to me. Kosuke, knowing that he had no place in this conversation, focused on the food in front of him.

“Honestly, I never wanted to give him a second chance. And sometimes, I still find myself wondering why I even bothered to give him one in the first place. But here I am, in my situation, thoroughly confused but confident in the decision that I’ve made.”

He laughed. “What a kind heart you have to bring yourself to forgive him.”

“I don’t necessarily think it’s kindness per say. I think it’s coming from the part of me that just wants to move on, is all. And maybe it’ll help him go forward, too.” I forced a small smile on my face, looking down at my hands, knuckles white from gripping the napkin too hard. “Although that may just be wishful thinking; it seems like he didn’t need me to do so in the first place.”

The hard truth of this reality had hit me and, before I could break down and cry, a waiter came by to replace our empty plates with the next course. Our conversation eased into a less serious subject as we dug into the food, but I still felt the weight of my words.

I had returned to Azumano to see Hiwatari flourishing beyond my belief. He had, somehow, eased himself into the hole I had left, almost as if he was living the life I would’ve had if I had stuck with my initial plan and stayed close to home. If I had known that this were the case, I wouldn’t have returned home anyway, living my life without having to face the memories I wanted to keep locked up.

Hiwatari scooted slightly closer to me, but for what reason I honestly wasn’t sure. But he stayed there the whole dinner, with his shoulder brushing lightly against mine.

And that, after dinner had finally ended, was how we walked home: Hiwatari’s arm flush against mine with his hand threatening to grab mine. And when I felt Hiwatari take my hand in the darkness, I felt something inside me break.

…

Walking out of the room, still drowsy from the jet-lag, I headed to the kitchen for some water. Despite my half-dazed state, I stopped when I saw Hiwatari and Kosuke at the table, stifling silent as they went about their business: Hiwatari had a newspaper open in front of him while Kosuke scribbled in his journal. The latter eventually stopped writing with a sigh, closing his journal and facing the younger man in front of him.

“Satoshi, I’m sorry,” Kosuke started. “I never meant to continue talking to Kei, but—”

“But what?” Hiwatari interrupted, somehow still reading the newspaper. From where I stood though, I saw the paper crinkle under his grip. Oh no. “What could that awful man possibly tell you for you to overlook such blatant abuse of his parental power and the fact that he abandoned me after not getting his filthy hands on the Hikari artwork?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Wouldn’t understand?” He slammed the closed newspaper on the table, no longer obscuring the animosity radiating from his expression. “I’m not a child anymore, Kosuke. I’m not going to possibly understand if—”

Someone cleared his throat behind me. I turned to see Kei, dressed up for another go around of Vienna, except he didn’t have that unreadable smile on his face.

“Satoshi, why’re you raising your voice to Kosuke?” he scolded. “I may have been a shitty father, but I sure as hell know that I didn’t raise you to talk back to your elders like that.”

Knowing Hiwatari, he probably had a lot of comebacks to Kei’s boldness. But the young man yielded, apologizing to Kosuke before getting up from the table. He followed Kei, who had regained his smile in the midst of such stark silence, to the door. Kei kindly greeted me, contrasting his icy, cold son who ignored me, before the two of them left the apartment with a relieving shut of the front door.

I finally headed into the kitchen, grabbing a bottled water and cup of yogurt from the fridge before sitting in the seat Hiwatari was in moments ago. Kosuke shot me a smile before shaking his head.

“He’s taken after you,” he remarked.

“No need to remind me,” I grumbled before I practically chomped on a spoonful of yogurt. “I don’t think it was a wise idea to approach him with that this early in the morning.”

“Better sooner than later I always say.”

“Do you even know your adopted son?” Kosuke laughed, clearly amused with something that was flying over my head. “Kosuke-san, what is so funny?”

“Harada-san, it’s shocking to see how quickly you fell back into step with everything.”

I groaned again, hating how easy it was for Kosuke to read me. Once I finished my breakfast, I asked Kosuke if he wanted to accompany me to the zoo. He looked shocked that I wanted to go there, of all places, but agreed anyway with that polite smile of his.

Now that I think about it, Kosuke had a lot in common with Kei. Was that why they got along well?

/…\

Both Riku and I posed in front of the elephant while Daisuke positioned himself to take our picture. Hiwatari stood in the shade, looking like an excessive statue with our bags hanging on him and our food in his hands.

For our last summer in high school (sans Hiwatari), we wanted to go on a trip outside of Azumano. We managed to convince our parents on the condition that Grandpa Daiki tag along as a chaperone so, after Hiwatari snagged a couple of days off, we were set to explore Tokyo again without the restrictions our field trip had. Grandpa Daiki opted to go to a nearby museum to escape the heat, leaving us four with free reign at Ueno zoo until we had to meet up with him.

“How’d it turn out?” we asked. Daisuke showed us, trying to control his giggling to no avail. Once Riku and I looked at the picture, we burst in laughter before moving onto the next animal on our agenda.

Once lunchtime rolled around, Daisuke and Riku broke off for their date, leaving me with Hiwatari and a melting snow cone.

“I love them, but I also _really_ hate them right now!” I complained.

Hiwatari only laughed next to me, and I shot him a glare that effectively silenced him. Sure, couples are cute, but I didn’t need them parading circles around me as a reminder that I could never have that with Hiwatari. Whatever opportunity I had to persuade him to entertain the idea of giving me a chance and going public about it had long, long passed.

“Where do you want to go next?” Hiwatari asked once I finished my dessert.

“The pandas.”

“Again? We saw them earlier.”

“Well, I like pandas, so suck it up and come with me.”

I was ready to march over to their enclosure when Hiwatari took my hand. Frozen in place, I turned to him for some type of explanation to ease my internal panicking, but he just had his usual deadpan.

“What are you doing?” I hissed, wildly gesturing to our intertwined hands (and fingers!) like it was a mutant.

“No one’s around, so I thought you wouldn’t mind.”

I stared at him in disbelief. No one around? There were people hailing from all over Japan, with some foreigners sprinkled into the mix, surrounding us. I sure as hell did mind considering that my poor brain wasn’t prepared for this nor was it capable of processing this situation.

He poked my nose, breaking me out of my thoughts.

“How often do we meet up in public without them? We should enjoy this while we can.” Nudging my shoulder in affirmation, we headed towards the pandas hand-in-hand. When I saw the adorable bears, I couldn’t help but squeeze his hand, blissfully caught up with such a fortunate turn of events. But when he reciprocated, that niggling doubt that something was different between us returned, and that yearning for an actual relationship, fueled by these definite, sporadic moments, only clouded my understanding, giving way to that heavy feeling of being so close yet so far away.

Even as he pulled out his phone to take a picture, somehow completely oblivious to me not taking mine out quickly, those smiles we captured were only a haunting reflection of what I had found myself in.

…

Kosuke and I sat underneath a bench at Tiergarten Schönbrunn, munching on some pretzels for lunch. We spent the morning taking pictures filled with Niwa spirit in front of the animals, making such big fools of ourselves that we had attracted an audience of young kids asking their parents if we were part of the zoo as well.

Emiko would be proud that her son was marrying into a family that could keep up such energy. And I was completely sure that Riku and Daisuke would personally enjoy my photoshoot in front of the elephants. And the flamingos because of that ridiculous couple’s picture they took all those years ago.

Once we polished off our food, we headed towards the pandas. I thought that Kosuke would’ve had something to say considering that he was so talkative that morning, but he kept silent for most of the way. Since I didn’t have much to say either, we spent those handful of minutes taking in the sights—and smells, unfortunately—until we found ourselves waiting behind a crowd for the pandas.

“Sorry,” he started. I stared at him in confusion for his sudden apology. “For telling Kei about you.”

“Why bring this up now?”

He had moved ever so slightly closer to the pandas, but still not close enough to get good pictures. “I figured you must’ve been shocked to hear Kei talk about it and, since I’ve already told Hiwatari the truth, I figured I might as well be honest for the rest of this trip.”

“It’s fine. I was a good friend of Hiwatari-san’s, so it only made sense that you would talk about me with regards to him.”

“And, while I’m on this train of honesty that you don’t have to board, it is true that you had something for Satoshi, yes?”

I frowned. “I’m pretty sure it was obvious to a blind man, yes. Where are you going with this?”

“…there was something going on between the two of you, wasn’t there?”

My breath hitched. Was this how Hiwatari felt when Kosuke had revealed that he had been talking to Kei? Vulnerable? Exposed?

“Kosuke-san, why are you—?”

“Harada-san, you don’t have to force yourself to forgive him, much like Satoshi has no obligation to forgive Kei. If something did happen, which I won’t pry from you, I don’t want you to two to get hurt from trying to heal yourselves. _Laufen ist eine Schande, aber gesund._ ”

“What does that mean?”

“‘He that runs and flees away, might live to see another day.’”

Finding a shaded bench close by, I sat down, trying to find a response to his words. Kosuke sat beside me, keeping his distance after broaching such a sensitive topic. If Kosuke weren’t an elder and my sister’s to-be-father-in-law (and we weren’t at a zoo surrounded by impressionable children), I sure as hell wouldn’t be trying so hard to keep myself calm because of this.

“As stubborn and stupid as this may sound, I need to do this,” I firmly told him. “I wanted this trip to help me put everything in the past. I want to be able to properly forgive Hiwatari-san and properly move forward from this. So, if I must literally run myself mentally and emotionally ragged by being Hiwatari’s support during this, then so be it.”

“As stubborn as stupid as it may be, your resolve and strength are admirable.”

“Thanks. They might be the only redeeming qualities I have. Or they may lead to my downfall.”

He laughed before standing up, offering me a hand that I didn’t take.

“You’re quite cruel, you know?” I told him as I stood up myself, brushing my behind in case something had gotten on it while I was sitting. “There are better ways to deal with this than with such uncaring bluntness; it’s no wonder Hiwatari-san won’t listen to you.”

But he had only given me that smile, one was somehow simultaneously genuine and fake, before we dove back into the crowd surrounding the pandas.

…

“The zoo?” Kei asked. “There must’ve been better places for you two to visit.”

“Well, we had fun, so that’s all that matters.” I told him, triumphantly taking a sip of my wine.

Kei had taken all of us out for dinner, again, at one of those restaurants where reservations were required and serving sizes were non-existent. And after he shared how his day went, which involved taking Hiwatari to a museum that housed Hikari artworks for their routine maintenance and inspection, a “wonderful” lunch date, and another trip to the university where he paraded his son, he exclusively talked to Kosuke about something, leaving me and Hiwatari to entertain ourselves with the food and each other.

“So, how’d the day go?” I asked Hiwatari.

“Wonderfully well. So much so that it was terrifying.”

The waiter came by, taking our plates. The three men at the table talked to him in German while I only offered a small smile to him, which he returned before heading elsewhere.

“Looks like he likes you,” Kei chirped with that sly grin of his. I glanced over at Kosuke, wondering if he had any opinion on this specific comment, but he simply looked away with pursed lips. If he was like that, then I really didn’t want to see Hiwatari’s face.

“Ha. Go back to minding your business, you old fart.” Kei only laughed before returning to his conversation about _kofun_ with Kosuke.

“You seem to be getting along with Kei,” Hiwatari remarked with disdain.

“Your definition of ‘getting along’ must be skewed then if you think such underhanded comments fall under it.” I moved my water just for the sake of doing something. “If anything, it seems like the two of you are getting along.”

He groaned. “Let’s forget about him. Anyways, how was the zoo?”

“It was fun! It reminded me of that trip we took back then to Tokyo!”

Hiwatari stiffened, for good reason I suppose, and I noticed Kei slightly quiet down, as if wanting to eavesdrop on this conversation after seeing his son’s change in demeanor. “Do you have any pictures?” Hiwatari asked. I nodded. “Could I see them?”

“Sure! They’re out of order though because Kosuke sent me some of his.”

I handed him my phone and watched him silently browse through them. But every once in a while, whenever he would see a picture referencing our trip from back then, he’d laugh, making a comment or two before sliding his finger onto the screen for the next one.

That was until he paused on one of the photos I took with the elephants.

“Harada-san?”

“Yes?”

He zoomed into the picture until I saw one of nature’s presents taking up a good portion of my screen. “I didn’t realize that you enjoy sharing the spotlight with feces.”

With his tone of voice, it was like he was telling me that the rain was awful that morning or that the food needed a bit more salt. It took me a few beats to even process this Hiwatari Joke (a phrase I coined for his straight-laced sense of humor), and when I finally did, I had half a mind to smack him right there. But then I remembered that he had only found the opportunity to joke at this fortuitous picture because of—

I heard a snort at the table and turned to see Kosuke covering his mouth, as if that could contain the laughter bubbling inside him. Kei followed, letting out a slightly derisive chuckle as if he was watching some kids make fools of themselves. Kosuke, after calming himself down to the point that he was no longer shaking to contain his laughter but still had a huge grin on his face, kept apologizing to me, but there was no way in hell he was genuine about it if he was this amused by it.

“Did you really have to?” I asked Hiwatari, as if I was scolding a four-year old who had just drawn on a wall with crayons.

“I’m sorry.”

Eventually Kosuke calmed down, and Kei just shook his head before resuming his conversation, leaving me to deal with a slight case of embarrassment while watching Hiwatari go back to looking through the photos. He stopped when he saw my first picture with the pandas, but he didn’t say anything, taking his time to look at each one before breezing through the rest and handing my phone back to me.

“Kosuke is better at photography than you.”

“Thanks,” I grumbled.

But he just shot me a small smile before the waiter came again, taking our plates and meeting my gaze once more before heading back to the kitchen. Someone, probably Kei, whistled, and I really wanted to kick him under the table. What was this man trying to accomplish by picking on me like this?

“Harada-san?” I turned to Hiwatari, who effectively took my mind off of his awful father. “Thank you for everything, really.”

“Please don’t thank me yet, especially if you haven’t talked to Kosuke-san and Kei-san yet.”

“For once, can you accept my gratitude without the usual biting remark?”

“Okay then. Because you asked, you’re welcome.”

He frowned, and I couldn’t help but smile. Honestly, I was probably one of the only things keeping him sane right now. But, at the same time, I really didn’t know how I felt by quickly being thrust back into such an important position in his life.

Luckily, Hiwatari found some interest in Kosuke and Kei’s conversation, leaving me to drown that growing monster of regret and guilt with wine (and water because the damn bastards would know something was up if I downed a flute that quickly.)

…

Hiwatari and Kei were already gone when I woke up the next morning. Kosuke was still in the apartment though, sitting at the dining table and writing in his journal. I joined him, water and yogurt in hand, while we decided on what to do for the day. Kosuke wanted to check out the Austrian National Library so, after breakfast, I tided up and we went on our way.

We had passed by a group about to begin a tour for the State Hall, but Kosuke assured me that we didn’t need one when we entered. I gasped at the sheer beauty of everything. Compared to those stuffy libraries I found myself in back in college, this was paradise.

Most of the people around us were tourists as well, carrying those huge day-bags with their phones and cameras at the ready. Apparently, we were independent from the reading rooms of the library, so we’d have to go elsewhere if we wanted to sit down and read, but Kosuke led me around the hall, giving me my own personal tour. (I asked him how he knew about all this stuff, and he admitted that Kei had talked to him about it earlier that morning.) Once the “tour” ended, we wandered around until we stumbled upon one of the reading rooms. I claimed a relatively empty table and pulled out a book ( _Pride and Prejudice_ by Jane Austen) while Kosuke scampered off. I spent that time mostly undisturbed, only looking up when Kosuke returned with a stack of books that practically eclipsed him.

My phone rang while I was reading, but I dismissed whoever it was because I was so engrossed with my book. Thankfully, whoever needed to reach me eventually stopped, and I returned to my undisturbed bliss. Briefly. A familiar voice entered my immediate attention, ebbing and flowing until his whispered Japanese pierced through the white noise of foreign grumbles, page flipping, and keyboard typing.

I looked up, unfazed at the winded Hiwatari standing in front of me.

“Jesus,” he breathed. “Did the two of you not get my messages?”

“I turned my phone off,” Kosuke answered from behind his fortress of books.

“And you know how I get when I’m reading,” Apparently, our excuses weren’t good enough for him. He just shot us looks as he sat down. “So, how’d you know we’d be here?”

“Kei.”

“And, um, what brings you here?”

“Something came up at the university, so Kei let me go early.”

“You must’ve been so happy.”

“You have no idea.” His breathing finally calmed, and he shot me a cocky smile. “A lunch without Kei is a good lunch indeed. Are you two hungry?”

“I’ll pass,” Kosuke answered.

“And I’m good. You can go grab some food and explore Vienna. Don’t feel obligated to stay with us here.”

I opened my book only to find myself snapped out of concentration when Hiwatari scooted closer to get a good look at what I was reading. Was this man this incapable of grasping the concept of personal space?

“I didn’t think you were sadistic enough to read Austen in her original language.”

I pouted. “That’s a crude way to put it.”

“Well, it is an older form of English. No amount of being fluent makes it any easier to read.”

“Thanks for making me feel better,” I grumbled.

Hiwatari only laughed. “Why so long? That was genuine comfort. And if you need me to explain anything, just ask me.”

“You’ve read this before?”

“In college, yes. Now, for an important question: do I strike you as a Darcy or as an Elizabeth?”

Kosuke chuckled while I stared at Hiwatari in confusion. Only when it registered did I answer. “Elizabeth for sure. Kei, despite his personality, is probably in the same boat as Darcy. But, if I must be honest, I make the better Elizabeth, and you’ve always been such a Darcy.”

From behind his books, Kosuke laughed again. And Hiwatari only shook his head. “Uncanny that, of all books, that’s the one you’re reading. Really.”

Hiwatari left me and Kosuke to grab something to read, and Kosuke peeked over the books in front of him.

“Harada-san, sorry if I’m stepping over a line here, but it really did sound like you two were flirting.”

Disgusted, I dog-eared my page and chucked the book at Kosuke, who managed to catch it. “Where exactly were you going with that?”

“Isn’t the fact that you two get along so well so quickly something to think about?”

He disappeared, only for Hiwatari to reappear with a petite book in his hands. With a polite smile, he slipped into the seat next to me before reading.

I returned to the words before me, struggling to get through it myself in a vain testament that what was occurring here in Vienna was absolutely nothing.

/…\

5 PM. Dining table at the Harada mansion.

My parents were still at work while the staff was out for errands or taking an afternoon break. Daisuke and Riku were still at school for their extra-curricular activities, leaving me at the head of the table surrounded by notes and textbooks in a vain attempt to shoot for the University of Tokyo while Hiwatari sat next to me, somehow managing to keep his space clean despite my haphazard mess.

Even though I studied enough to know that I’d be attending the university the next town over with Riku and Daisuke, all of us promised to apply to several other places in the case that our plan somehow fell through or if we actually got into an esteemed institution. And me, being the ambitious, young lady I was with no grasp on the concept of limitations, was desperately cramming for the most esteemed university in Japan.

“I hate myself,” I grumbled, trying to consolidate the mess before me.

“You’re doing fine,” Hiwatari told me. “You wouldn’t be able to apply for Todai without the principal’s recommendation, and he was more than happy to give it to you.

“Satoshi, people have literally planned their whole lives to attend Todai. I only decided to aim that ridiculously high because I so happened to start getting better grades that last year of middle school because of your help.”

“Risa, please, have more faith in yourself. A lot of us believe that you can pass.”

“I need you to tell me the truth,” I begged. “Don’t feed me your biased lies to encourage and comfort me.”

He sighed, standing up and tidying my things. Somehow, he organized everything accordingly.

“Risa, look at me.”

“I’d rather torture myself with the sight of these books than your face.”

“Please, just go along with this.”

I turned to face him, too irritated to be bothered with his closeness. “What?”

“Who am I?”

“My biased best friend.”

“Jesus, Risa, could you—”

“Satoshi Hiwatari, genius extraordinaire.”

“And you are?”

“An idiot.” He glared at me, and I sighed. “Do I have to?”

“Maybe if you say it, it’ll finally go through that stubborn head of yours.”

“I’m Risa Harada, president of the broadcasting club, secretary of the Student Council, and currently rank one of all the third years.”

“And you are also going to cram school for this. You’re prepared for this. And, well, you have me. I’m here for you every step of the way.”

He shot me a lopsided grin that angered me instead of its original intention. “As do Riku and Daisuke,” I grumbled.

“Hm?”

“Do you say these things to Daisuke and Riku when you study with them, too?”

“Unlike you, they’re not prone to theatrics. Why ask?”

“Satoshi, I’m tired of this! You spend almost every waking second with me, doting on me under the pretense of best friends in public and lover in private, when you don’t even feel the same way that I do! Having to hide from everyone, forcing a relationship that’s one-sided—it hurts!”

“Risa,” he started calmly. “The stress is probably getting to you. Let’s—”

“Stop changing the subject like that!” I screamed. “I can’t help but think that maybe you do return my feelings genuinely when you act like that in broad daylight! At least I can fool myself at night, but—” I glanced at the clock and started packing up. “—all those rumors floating around really make me feel like something’s there.”

He just sat there in silence with his usually pallid skin more ashen than usual. “I’m…sorry.”

I let out a dry laugh. “And that’s all you can say because we can’t really help this situation, can we? Me, falling for a guy who’s incapable of liking me back.” I zipped my bag up before slipping on my coat and adjusting my muffler. “God, I thought I knew better after Dark. I’m heading for the cram school now. Don’t wait up for me.”

Like Hiwatari said, it was probably the stress that caused that emotional outburst. But I really couldn’t take it anymore. When we started, all of it was self-contained at night, and Hiwatari had the decency and self-control to treat me just like he treated Daisuke and Riku.

Honestly, it really was that ounce of wish-fulfilling hope that hurt more than the initial impossibility of it ever happening.

…

As usual, I found myself sitting next to Hiwatari at yet another restaurant that had more than one set of spoons and forks for each diner. Kosuke and Kei talked about Kei’s work emergency, a last-minute office hour session with one of his students, before Kosuke talked about how productive his visit to the library was.

I didn’t have much to say, probably because what Kosuke said earlier spooked me. Wasn’t he also the one who urged me to just leave it be, too?

Well, like all the other nights before, I expected a mildly uncomfortable dinner that was heavily outweighed by the delicious food that washed away the toils of the day. I did not expect what had actually occurred. Nor was I even remotely prepared for it.

“Satoshi, please, I’m sorry.” Kosuke started, pulling my attention from the food in front of me.

“Why should I listen to this?” Hiwatari asked, anger bubbling in his voice. “Can we drop it and enjoy the dinner?”

“No,” Kei firmly answered. “You need to hear what we have to say.”

Hiwatari pulled his silverware down, and an icy presence swept over our table. Kosuke looked uncomfortable from this sudden change in atmosphere, but Kei stayed firm and resolute.

“Okay, I’m ready to hear whatever bullshit excuses you have,” Hiwatari stated.

I only gasped before briefly looking around to see if we had attracted the attention of the other patrons. They still seemed preoccupied, for now, but I knew no language barrier would be able to detract them if a full-fledged fight started.

Sure, I was glad that they were finally letting everything out, but this was neither the time nor the place to do so. And, considering that I really had no say in these conversations, I knew that me butting in would get me flak from someone, so all I could do was sit there and watch, with my front-row seat, the mess about to unfurl.

“I was the one that began talking to Kosuke.” Kei started. “If you want me to direct your anger towards him, then direct it at me. If anything, I was the one who made him empathize with me; Kosuke did nothing wrong.”

“How could you let yourself listen to him?” Hiwatari snarled. “If you had managed to—”

“Because I’m a father, and Kei’s dilemma resonated with mine.”

Hiwatari scoffed, and I could tell that he was going to say something, probably out of anger and spite to demean Kosuke’s comment. Before he could, though, I kicked him under the table. He directed his glare towards me, which I returned equally without fear.

“Harada-san, should you really be butting in right now?”

“I am here for a reason, you know. You keep making a scene like this, and you’ll get us kicked out, so I suggest that you cool it and listen to them.”

He shook his head. “I thought you were on my side.”

“I am, so return to that aloof Hiwatari with a rational mind instead of following in my footsteps and throwing a bitch fit.”

Finding humor in this situation, Kei laughed. Maybe it was from my last statement, but it really wasn’t the time. At least he was more composed than Hiwatari though if he was able to switch moods that quickly.

“Well, um, I was worried about what Daisuke would think about me when I returned suddenly after being absent for much of his childhood. And when he was so kind and accepting, I thought it was a dream come true. Until Dark had called me out on it, saying that Daisuke only acted that way because I was his father in name.” Kosuke looked down at his hands, slightly wistful. “I worked hard to improve my relationship with my son and you. For Kei, it was best that he leave you, even if that ended up hurting you. He knew that staying would’ve strained you more, and hurting you once was better than hurting you each and every single day.”

“Satoshi, I honestly don’t expect you to forgive me,” Kei stated. “If I were in your situation, I sure as hell wouldn’t.”

“If you knew I wouldn’t, then why bother?” Hiwatari asked. His tone no longer had that furious edge to it; instead, it had one of genuine curiosity, with a calm matureness more akin to his personality than all of that shrill nonsense.

“Maybe a selfish wish of mine because when am I not selfish?” he chuckled briefly before a serious expression settled on his face again. “I thought that maybe it was time for you to hear my apology. After all, Harada-san had graciously accepted yours.”

“Leave her out of this.”

“Alas, I cannot.” Kei smiled, a small, apologetic one, before turning to me. “Harada-san, I’m sorry to pull the rug from under you, but I know what happened between you and Hiwatari. It wasn’t hard to piece together from what Kosuke had told me about you, and I apologize for bringing it up. If my assumption is wrong though, then please disregard what I’m about to say.

“I’m truly sorry for my son’s behavior. Had I not done what I had, you never would’ve had to experience the lingering effects that it had on Satoshi. He probably couldn’t help treating you like that, leaving you in that limbo to protect himself. It was vain and practically stupid, especially with that brain of his.”

I kept blinking my eyes, trying to keep the tears threatening to spill at bay. This secret that I’ve kept from my friends, from even my family, that basically relied on the fact that Hiwatari and I had acted this close from even before it occurred, had just been exposed by someone who lived on the other side of the world. It was fine if people had had inkling and pondered upon it privately, but I was having trouble breathing at having that truth I desperately tried to hide flung right at me.

Hiwatari stiffened up beside, but I didn’t—couldn’t—see his expression. He probably had questions and a whole lot to say to that but knew better than to interrupt Kei, so he sat there twirling the end of his napkin.

“Satoshi, these words will sound like a lie, but I love you very much. Raising you with Kazama in that house, despite acting upon your mother’s dying wish, were the most memorable years of my life. Despite Kazama’s warnings, I fell into the clutches of greed from being surrounded by the Hikari works. I had done everything in my power to ensure that he wouldn’t take custody of you once you returned to Japan, and I had kept him away from you. I had done everything to gain control of the artworks, to the point of manipulating you, and there are no words capable of expressing…everything. Even once I returned to my senses, I let the guilt eat me up, and I abandoned you.” Kei had on that hurt smile, which might as well meant that he was crying. “Satoshi, I’m truly sorry for everything.”

“…how did you get Uncle Kazama to help you?”

“I started seeing someone once I got here, and I had eventually come to understand the full weight of what I had done to you. And so, after Kazama visited me several times and talked to the Niwas, he said he’d help out. He’d be here now if it weren’t for his work, actually.”

“Why lie to get me here?”

“Would you have come if I were alive is the question?” Kei countered with a smile. “It was an under-handed method to get you over here, but it had done its job. At the expense of continuing to ruin our relationship, but I digress. Even if you may hate me, I’m glad to see that you’re doing okay.”

The waiter came by, switching our plates for the next course even though no one had touched their food. The heavy atmosphere weighed on us, despite Kei’s light-hearted comment at the end.

“After tomorrow, you won’t have to say a word to me ever again. And, after this week, you won’t ever see or hear from me again if you so wish.” Kei took up his silverware with a smile unfitting for the current mood. “Well, if no one has any objections, we should probably dig into the food.”

Somehow, the adults started eating and talking as if this important conversation didn’t just happen. Were they just better at dealing with situations like these because they were older and had more experience? Only the hunger growling in my stomach forced me to go through the motions, forcing me to seize my silverware with shaking hands that could barely do their job. I couldn’t appreciate the delicious food since even chewing was a chore, and it felt so awkward even having anything in my mouth. The back of my throat had closed up, as if any word I wanted to utter would come out as an unfortunate squeak.

But Hiwatari. He didn’t even move. He sat there completely still with his white as the table cloth. Even when the waiter came by, asking if he need more time with his food, Hiwatari stayed unresponsive.

It took the urging of Kei, despite Kosuke’s efforts, to finally get him to eat the rest of food.

When dinner had ended, though, we had parted ways at Hiwatari’s request. Kosuke and Kei headed back, leaving me with the key and address in case Hiwatari wanted to lose himself. But what about me? What if I wanted to lose myself too? What if I wanted to run off and scream somewhere instead of babysitting him?

Hiwatari didn’t. Although he initially tried to shoo me away because he wanted some time alone, and I sure as hell would’ve left him alone to pass out in a pool of his own vomit in a dark alleyway if I weren’t so duty-bound to make sure he was okay, he gave up after realizing that I was there to stay. Mumbling something under his breath, we walked until we reached a convenience store. I watched him buy a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, much to my surprise, before following him out.

“You’re not going to ask why I’m smoking?” he asked bitingly. “Entertain me, please.”

“…why?” I croaked, unable to even look at him or put up a fight.

“I do this when I’m stressed,” he answered, lighting one. “It’s a bad habit, but no one knows about it. Knew. Are you going to make me promise not to smoke, too?”

“Do what you want. If you want to die so early, even after everything that’s happened, then be my fucking guest.”

He let out a raspy laugh as we stood there, positioning himself in such a way to avoid getting the smoke on his clothes. I could still smell it from where I stood though, despite his best efforts to keep the smoke from drifting towards me, and I wondered how Hiwatari could still be so thoughtful despite everything.

So many trendsetters passed by us, somehow taken by Hiwatari. He waved to them with a small smile, and they swooned at this image so far-removed from the Hiwatari I knew. Sometimes, they would look at me, but I only looked down at my shoes, noting Hiwatari protectively inching towards me to dissuade them from doing anything else.

When he finished, he snubbed the cigarette with his foot before picking it up and throwing it into the trash. “Do I smell?” he asked, standing close to me.

“It’s faint enough that they’ll think we went to a bar, but I don’t think they’ll ask.”

He nodded while I pulled up directions for Kei’s apartment. Surprisingly, it was pretty far from where we were. Hiwatari looked over my shoulder at my phone.

“Do you want to hail a taxi?” he asked. “I personally would appreciate walking back, but I understand if you don’t feel comfortable doing that.”

“Then we’ll walk.” I decided, putting my phone away. “The fresh air would probably do me some good after everything.”

“Tonight was something for sure,” he stated, before humming along to a tune floating over to where we were standing.

“Unforgettable” might possibly be one of the most fitting and cruelest songs that could possibly be playing right now. But Hiwatari had tucked his hands into his pockets, walking in pace beside me even though I clearly didn’t want him there. Just like old times…

Just like old times, huh?

...

**Author's Note:** I only have myself to blame for this late update, but at least neither this story nor I am dead! I am also not fluent in German, so I hope those translations that I found on the internet are sufficient! 


	11. Wir Trafen uns in Einem Garten

Chapter 11: Wir Trafen uns in Einem Garten

_~…das viele an dich denken bekommt mir nicht~_

_-…all that thinking of you doesn’t do me good-_

Once we arrived in the foyer of Kei’s apartment, Hiwatari kept apologizing for showing me that side of his. I kept telling him that it was fine (when it was, in fact, not) just to shut him up and leave me alone, which he apparently couldn’t do. Only after slightly raising my voice did he yield, and I watched him head into the room he shared with Kosuke, bidding me an awkward goodnight before softly closing the door behind him.

I headed upstairs to find Kei at the dining table, typing furiously on his laptop. He turned to face me, and the reflection of the screen on his glasses disappeared. For once, I saw a tired, middle-aged man, vulnerable to the toils of life instead of that proud one that seemed to control the world around him.

“Sorry to disturb you.” I bowed before scurrying over to my room.

“Wait,” he called once I my hand on the door knob. “Could I talk to you for a bit?”

Biting my lip, I hesitantly headed towards the dining table. He didn’t bother to clear up space for me; all he did was close his laptop screen. The chair shrieked against the floor as I pulled it back. Then I sat down, face-to-face, with Kei in the dead of the night.

What could possibly go wrong?

“I need to apologize, both for my behavior and for Satoshi’s.”

“There’s no need to apologize for him,” I stammered. “He’s apologized enough. And…um…thank you. I appreciate it.”

He only offered me a small smile. “He’s grown into a fine young man, and he didn’t need me for it. On top of how I treated him when I was younger, I lied about my death to lure him here and treated him terribly the past few days. Honestly, I don’t deserve his forgiveness.”

“No, you don’t,” I instinctively retorted, gasping when I realized that I had just vocalized my thoughts. “Oh no. I…um…I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize. I appreciate your bluntness.” He sighed, taking off his glasses and massaging his temples. “What a waste of time this has been for all of us.”

“I wouldn’t call it a waste.” His arched his eyebrow, silently asking for elaboration. “With this…closure, if you could call it that, he can heal from it. Slowly but surely. And, well, it’s a good way to help me heal too. Unconventional and cruel for sure, but I wouldn’t dismiss this as being useless.”

Kei shook his head. “You’re insane, Harada-san. Only a madman would put themselves through this much just for the sake of healing.”

“Sometimes, it’s all or nothing.”

“Yes, but we’re humans. Sometimes, the weight of everything is too much to bear, and too much can break someone.”

I nodded slightly. Was he referring to Hiwatari? Himself? Or maybe even me once upon a time?

“As much as I’d love to continue this conversation, I must get back to work. And you should get some rest; you’ve had a long day.”

He shot me a polite smile before opening his laptop and typing away. Kei glanced over his notepad and the tome open before him, skimming through the text and his equally small yet neat scrawl before looking up again, confused as to why I didn’t move despite his kind dismissal.

“Um…you should probably head to bed soon, too, Hiwatari-san. It is late.”

But Kei only offered that kind smile of his. “Alas, as much as I’d like to, academia never sleeps. I need to catch up on the work that I’ve missed. Thank you for the thought though.” He paused. “And please don’t call me Hiwatari-san. Anything else would do, even your choice expletive, but hearing you address me the same way you address my son makes me uncomfortable.”

I stood there, wondering why it would make him uncomfortable before noticing his patient gaze, so I started to think. Only when I recalled a small German lesson Kosuke had given me whilst we were out and about did I have something. “…er, alright, _Herr_ Kei. Goodnight.”

“Cute. And using my first name, too? Ballsy, yet flattering. Thank you, Harada-san, and good night.”

He shot me yet another smile before returning to his work. I got up from my seat before heading to my room, managing a forced yet meek wave that Kei returned before shutting the door behind me. Once I found myself surrounded by darkness, I felt the fatigue from the day settle in, but I dragged myself to the bathroom before I could collapse onto my bed.

I didn’t care about sleeping and crumpling my clothes, but no way in hell would I fall asleep with a full face of makeup still on.

…

My eyes opened while I tried to catch my breath. My clothes felt damp from the cold sweat I found myself in. I steadied myself before sitting up, leaning on the headboard as I took deep breaths to level my heartrate.

Damn. How many more mornings do I have to wake up to like this?

Once I calmed down, I grabbed my phone and groaned at how early it was. I knew I couldn’t go back to sleep after that rude awakening, so I rolled out of bed and headed to the kitchen.

I saw Hiwatari, still waking up, dazed in front of the coffee machine. He had on the suit he brought to attend Kei’s funeral in, all ironed and ready save for the tie hanging around his neck. I lightly tapped his shoulder, and he turned with glossy eyes, unable to even offer me a greeting.

“What’s the occasion?” I asked as I began to tie his tie without a second thought. It was probably because he was so close to getting ready. How could I just leave him like that?

Hiwatari didn’t answer. Instead, I heard a pair of footsteps climbing the stairs and glanced over to see Kei adjusting his own tie. He looked shocked. Was it because I was awake or—?

“We’re going to a funeral of a colleague’s,” Kei explained as he walked to a cabinet and grabbed four mugs. “I told Satoshi he didn’t need to come with me, but he insisted. I believe it had something to do with getting another perspective.”

He poured coffee into two of the mugs, leaving one of them for me so I could make tea and the other for Kosuke once he awakened. Kei nearly patted Hiwatari, but his hand froze midway before returning to his mug, cradling it the rest of his way to the table. “Perhaps I should leave the physical comfort to you?”

“This early in the morning? Really?”

“No need to be hostile. My words are merely food for thought.”

Once I finished tying Hiwatari’s tie, he grabbed a mug and joined Kei at the table. They kept each other wordless company while I navigated the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. When they finished, they left in silence as I washed their mugs, humming to myself until I heard another pair of footsteps.

Kosuke greeted me while pouring his coffee, telling me that he had some official business to deal with that day. He told me that I had to spend the day alone, unfortunately, but recommended that I take a nap. I heard the light patter of the rain begin and dismissed myself to my room once I finished tidying up, closing my eyes in a vain attempt to get some rest.

Tired of pursuing this clearly fruitless endeavor, I pulled out another book ( _Bridge to Terabithia_ by Katherine Paterson, recommended to me by a college friend working with children’s books) and passed the time under the covers listening to the rain gently falling outside.

Somehow, I had fallen asleep and had woken up to someone slamming the fridge door shut. I left my room to see Hiwatari chugging down a bottle of water. His tie hung around his neck, his shirt had several of its buttons undone, and his jacket laid on the table in a crumpled mess.

“Where’s…uh…Kei-san?” I asked, having to stop myself from addressing Kei the way I did last night. I didn’t want Hiwatari giving me crap for it.

“At the university. Where’s Kosuke-san?”

“Out on business.”

He nodded, and a few beats passed before he spoke up again. “Thank you for tying my tie earlier.”

“You’re welcome.”

Silence settled between us, and I nearly headed back into my room to avoid standing there any longer when Hiwatari stopped me.

“What now, Harada-san?” he asked, and I knew he wasn’t talking about Kei.

“I don’t know, Hiwatari-san. You tell me.”

He bit his lip. “We fell into step so easily that, well, it’s concerning. It’s almost as if nothing has changed and yet—”

“Everything has changed. And that’s why, no matter how similar this is to back then, it can never be the same.”

“…what happened isn’t so easy to amend, is it?”

“If it were that easy to get over, we wouldn’t have had to walk on eggshells and worry about overstepping boundaries, would we?”

Hiwatari cracked a small smile before raising his water. “Cheers to our chalazae-covered feet and rampant trespassing.”

I shook my head, trying to suppress the smile threatening my face. I failed, of course, letting this familiarity take control and conveniently forgetting everything that made this comfort so terrifying. We stood around, chatting and laughing until Kosuke and Kei somehow returned at the same time. They came up, luckily too preoccupied with their own conversation to even bother offering an under-handed comment to us. Kei just told me to dress up for dinner, staying true to his word to distance himself from his son by ignoring Hiwatari and resuming his conversation with Kosuke.

Looking over at Hiwatari, I saw him frowning. Did something happen earlier?

“You alright?” I whispered, watching Kei and Kosuke sit on opposite ends of the sofa, laughing about something.

“…I don’t know what to think about him anymore. He was…kind and genuine earlier. And when he noticed that I was getting annoyed by everyone interrogating me, he managed to grab their attention so I could go out for a breather.” He balled his free hand into a fist, and I saw his knuckles whiten. “The man I saw at the funeral was the man who cared for me all those years ago, and—dammit.”

He brushed past me and headed downstairs. Luckily, the two older men didn’t notice Hiwatari leave, but I stood there in the kitchen, unable to move. Do I leave him alone? Go downstairs and console him, as terrifying as that sounds? Ask Kosuke to check on him? Wait, no, not that; I didn’t want Kei to know about his son’s state of mind.

I took a deep breath before I headed down and lightly knocked on Hiwatari’s door. “It’s me.”

“Thank you, Harada-san,” he said, muffled, from inside the room. “I would—well, truthfully, I don’t want to be alone right now, but I don’t want to impose on you anymore than I already have.”

I slinked down to the floor, leaning against the wall by his door and looked up at the crystal light fixture in the hallway. “Then what do you need the most right now? Comfort? Guidance? Someone to vent to?”

“I just want to forget. I want to forget about why I’m really here, about Kei, about…everything. When he was gone, I was able to do that. Out of mind, out of sight, right? What the hell am I supposed to do now that the man I thought was dead is now alive? When I’m seeing the father I loved again? The father I lost?”

“As much as you don’t want to hear this, only you know the answer to that question.”

He let out a pained chuckle. “Damn, remind me to never ask you for advice.”

“That’s wise. Never trust me with important life decisions.”

I heard slight amusement in his laugh, and I cracked a small smile. He seemed to be feeling better. “You really should get ready though, Harada-san. I’ll be fine. Just…thank you. Really. I appreciate it.”

“Ew. Keep your sap to yourself.”

Standing up with a smirk since I could practically feel Hiwatari rolling his eyes at my remark, I headed back upstairs. The two men were still chatting, unaware of what had just occurred, and I slipped into my room. When I saw my reflection in the mirror, I could only laugh, shaking my head before getting ready for dinner.

…

I woke up to someone knocking on my door.

“Come in,” I croaked.

The door opened, and Kei walked in, eyebrows knotted in concern. “Harada-san, are you alright? You’ve been tossing and turning for some time now.”

“It’s nothing,” I answered to dissuade him from prying. “Just another nightmare is all.”

“Another nightmare? Harada-san, frequent nightmares are concerning.”

“I’m used to them, so don’t worry about it.”

“I won’t pester you about them as long as you answer this question: how long have you been having them?”

“What, so you could scold me or—?”

“Harada-san,” he snapped. “I need to know so that I can offer you the help you clearly need.”

“…ten years.”

He didn’t say anything. Instead, he left my room only to return with a flower-adorned music box. “Just wind it up before you sleep, and it’ll keep your nightmares at bay.”

My eyes widened. “Is this a Hikari artwork?”

“Yes,” he said forlornly. “Handcrafted with love for protection. I want you to have it since I no longer need it. After all, it’s not like you can talk to a specialist about it.”

“Thank you.” I held the beautiful box, running one of my fingers along its intricate design. “You’ve been all too nice after that dinner that it’s concerning. If you’re trying to win brownie points, I suggest that you stop since you’ve been long disqualified from earning them.”

Kei only laughed. “I get a thank you only to get scolded for being too nice; this really is a losing situation for me. Well, I must be getting back to work, so do sleep well.” He shut the door behind him, leaving me in the dark.

I twisted the knob on the music box, and the tinny notes floated around like a soothing lullaby. Getting comfortable, I closed my eyes and melted away as if cradled in a warm embrace.

…

For the first time in what seemed like a long time, I had finally woken up well-rested. I turned to the music box on the nightstand before checking the time on my phone.

…oh my god! It’s noon already?

I scrambled out of bed and quickly freshened up before bursting through my door. Only Hiwatari sat at the dining table with a book in front of him. He looked up, probably from all the noise, before arching his eyebrow.

“Where’s Kosuke-san?” I breathed.

“On some business. It’s just you and me today unless you’d like to stay home.”

“No, let’s go. Lemme just snack on something first. Please.”

Hearing my stomach growl, Hiwatari just returned to his book with a smirk while I grabbed a peach from the fridge before sheepishly slipping into the seat in front of him.

“What’re you reading?” I asked, before taking a bite.

“ _Selected Papers of Richard Feynman: With Commentary_.” I blinked. “Physics.”

“Why? Didn’t pin you as that much of a nerd.”

He just shrugged. “It was in Kei’s library, oddly enough, and I was curious. And, speaking of Kei, he left us two tickets for a ballet later.”

I coughed. “Excuse me?”

“He legitimately thought that we were dating, so he went out of his way to prepare activities for us. We don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t want to go! It just…caught me off guard.”

“Well, you should hurry if you want to make the most of our time sightseeing before the ballet.”

I quickly finished eating while watching Hiwatari read through what must have been a slog of a book considering how much time it took for him to flip to the next page. Apparently, Hiwatari had a whole itinerary planned, so we left to visit landmarks swarming with tourists just like us. He silently led me to our different destinations, speaking up only if he had any interesting facts to share just like a tour guide except much less amiable and enthusiastic.

With my camera in tow, I snapped as many photos as I could while taking the occasional selfie. Hiwatari, on the other hand, occasionally sketched something quickly or took a photo, but he mostly just stood there, taking everything in. We took a couple of photos together, often standing awkwardly next to each other as we positioned ourselves for a selfie or, god forbid, when a selfie wasn’t enough, ask someone close by to take our picture and listen to them urging us to stand closer until we were shoulder to shoulder. (And even then, some of them urged Hiwatari to put his arm around me and “show his girlfriend some love.” Ick.)

After an unfortunate incident in front of the roses at Volksgarten, Hiwatari had spoken up. “Harada-san, we should buy a selfie stick. If I have to go through that one more time, I’m tempted to show them just how much I love you.”

Past his usual deadpan, I picked up on his crude sarcasm. “I agree; I don’t want to accidentally kill you.”

“How gracious of you to spare my life even though I’m sure that you would lose.”

I lightly slapped his arm, and he laughed at me before we headed to the closest store that possibly sold a selfie stick (and crying after my purchase because the one I had at home was much better and cheaper). We still had some time before we needed to get ready, so we visited a couple more spots before we grabbed dinner at a café.

“Do you know what we’re watching?” I asked him once we sat down.

“ _Giselle_. Are you familiar with it?”

“Nope. Are you?”

“I wouldn’t have to ask if I were.” I pouted at his smart-alecky answer, but he only smiled. “Hopefully, it’s engaging.”

“Pretty sure you’d have to like ballets first to even appreciate it.”

“Well then, we’ll find out who has refined tastes at the State Opera House later, won’t we?”

I lightly kicked him under the table for his remark, but he only chuckled before looking at the menu. I followed suit, hoping that I wouldn’t need help ordering again.

But—well, clearly—after looking at the completely German menu, I still needed someone to order my food.

…

We visited the building earlier that day, viewing its opulence with a group of camera-clad tourists. I couldn’t help but think of my dream of strutting through a castle in a pretty dress. And there I was, arm in arm with Hiwatari in a (relatively) pretty dress as we walked up a grand staircase to our seats.

(Hiwatari was as far away from my image of Prince Charming as someone could be, and my dress literally screamed “Here to see the dead!” but a girl wasn’t going to complain about minute details when a childhood dream of hers was practically coming true.)

“Someone seems happy,” he teased.

“I am literally romping around in a nice dress in a place like this. _Leave me alone_.”

He only shook his head at me with an amused smile. We eventually reached our seats (in a private mezzanine balcony! Kei, what the hell?), and I let go of Hiwatari’s arm to get settled down and comfortable.

Now, I had my doubts about this considering that I didn’t grow up appreciating classical music and dance. Sure, I had the stereotypical dream of becoming a ballerina, but who didn’t want to twirl around in a pink tutu at that age? And, growing up, my parents had tried to stuff manners and class down Riku and my throats, so I really wasn’t sure I would enjoy this. And the musicals Hiwatari enjoys weren’t exactly in the same vein as ballet.

As these thoughts danced around my head, the lights dimmed, and the curtains rose. I honestly had trouble understanding what was happening besides the music playing and everyone dancing, but I found myself engrossed, somehow following everything until Giselle died.

Because, somewhere deep inside, I kind of died too. Giselle’s heart was broken by a man betrothed to another, by a man who took advantage of her innocence and led her on. Everyone was worried about Giselle’s relationship with Albrecht, suspicious of him from the start, and they were right. When someone had revealed Albrecht’s true identity, Giselle, with her fragile health, danced herself to death and died in Albrecht’s arms.

Of course I would find concern with it.

When the lights came on and the curtains fell for intermission, the people below us shuffled around. Hiwatari dismissed himself, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I got up and stretched, if only to distract myself with something, until Hiwatari returned. I mentally sighed in relief before sitting down. As long as I could hold a decent conversation with him without tipping him off at my discomfort, I could probably survive whatever else this ballet has for me.

Maybe.

“Are you enjoying it?” Hiwatari asked.

“Yup!” I replied, maybe a bit too eagerly. “The costumes are super pretty, and I love the dancing!” Which was true. I genuinely enjoyed everything but the story thus far. “How about you? How do ballets fare compared to musicals?”

“They’re alright. I’d never been a person to really appreciate the arts, oddly enough.”

“Then why are musicals an exception to that rule?”

“Perhaps its distance from the traditional arts? I’ve watched my fair share of operas, and I didn’t quite like them.” He paused. “Or maybe it was the subject matter of my first musical that entranced me.”

“Because you’re actually a huge sap?”

“Blame the environment, not the person.”

We filled the minutes by chatting until the second act started. I focused on the hauntingly beautiful images of the Wilis, entranced by the ghosts of these women betrayed by their lovers, if only to get my mind off of Giselle. With her unwavering love for Albrecht, still as strong as ever after her death despite his follies, she forgave him and saved his life from the Wilis forcing him to dance to his death. Love saved that damn bastard. Giselle was still dead, finally able to rest peacefully in her grave at the end of the ballet, but Albrecht lived on without any repercussions. Like…are you kidding me?

When the ballet finally ended, we all stood up and clapped. As much as I genuinely enjoyed it, I had too much trouble digesting that plot separate from the events all those years ago. The elegant dancing, paired with the music, had elicited too many emotions. And so, despite how much I loved the show, I was glad that it finally ended.

Hiwatari didn’t really say anything after the ballet had finished, but he didn’t offer his arm like he did when we arrived. I followed his broad back as we walked out the theater. I didn’t want to see his face (and really didn’t want to either considering) and was thankful for the distance between us as he hailed a taxi. He avoided my gaze when he opened the backdoor, promptly closing it before sitting next to the driver. The bumpiness of the ride, as I sat mesmerized by the lights, kept my mind preoccupied until the taxi stopped in front of the apartment.

Hiwatari opened the door, waiting for me to walk out and, when he found me unresponsive, had gently took my hand and helped me out before leading me to Kei’s apartment. We opened the door to hear Kosuke and Kei upstairs, but Hiwatari kept his grip on my hand as we walked to my room. I didn’t see Kosuke and Kei’s expressions once Hiwatari and I came into their view, but I knew they went silent. Hiwatari sat me down on my bed, asking yes or no questions to see if I was really okay before giving my hand a reassuring pat and leaving my room with a ginger shut of my door.

Only in the darkness, feeling the sleek material of my dress, the makeup caked onto my face, and hearing Hiwatari scream at Kei did I finally allow myself to succumb to my thoughts.

Memories of Dark started to flood my mind. I remembered just how in love I was with him before he was gone. And I remembered just how much it hurt that the love of my life was not only the alter-ego of my sister’s boyfriend but also someone that I could never see again. He fooled both himself and me just for happiness, but he was the one practically erased from existence while I lived on. Love couldn’t save him, no matter how hard we tried.

But then the memories of Hiwatari followed, of the times when we would find ourselves in awkward silences we had no idea how to fill. How those had turned into meaningless conversations that evolved into late night discussions about deep, dark secrets. We spent more and more time together as we got to know one another, as we started to tease each other, as he started to never leave my thoughts. All those times I spent, foolishly pining after him, even after he had rejected me, led up to him telling me that he loved me even when he didn’t mean it. And then those innocent days just plummeted. I was the one who died, the one whose love led to her detriment, and he was the one who kept living, at the expense of my existence in Azumano.

I could still hear Hiwatari’s sharp tone and elevated voice clearly despite the door and walls separating me from them. There was no reason for him to get so worked up over this. There was no reason for me to somehow still grant him that level of comfort despite everything that happened. There was no reason for anything that occurred between us from the moment I returned to Azumano up until that point.

But there was.

I’m always going to be significant to Satoshi.

And, as much as it kills me to admit it, he will always be significant to me.

…

I don’t know how much time had elapsed until I heard a faint knock on my door, and I had gotten up and creaked it open to see Kei holding a steaming mug of what smelled like…chamomile tea?

“Have you slept?” he asked, squinting through the darkness of my room. When he noticed that I still hadn’t changed (although I felt like my makeup, most likely smudged, would’ve been a more telling sign), he placed his hand on the door, silently asking to come in. I nodded before retreating back to the safety of being under the covers while Kei placed the mug next to the music box on the nightstand and sat in the chair next to the bed.

“I didn’t realize _Giselle_ would trigger the two of you like that. I’m sorry for choosing the wrong ballet.”

“Please stop apologizing. If anything, it’s my own damn fault that I got affected by it.”

He shook his head. “No one should’ve ever had to go through what the four of you experienced back then. And it’s unfortunate that, out of everyone, you had gotten the short end of the stick regarding its outcome. Daisuke and Riku had each other, and Satoshi finally broke free from the Hikari curse and lived, but you lost your first love as a result of it.” I bit my lip. “At a young age, perhaps too young, you had found yourself stepping up for relationships with a maturity that, while present, still needed to develop, and a lack of experience to ease the pain of them. And so, instead of finding ways to release the frustration they brought to you, you let them fester inside of you to the point that even the smallest thing might just break you. Harada-san, this was the last thing that you should’ve picked up from your relationships…both with Dark and my son.”

I took a deep breath in, trying to calm the tears threatening to spill. Did he just compare me to Hiwatari? Practically sum up the broken state of my mind despite not knowing me?

“Excuse me for my preaching, but Harada-san, you were broken a long, long time ago by what happened. And you had found comfort in Satoshi’s hurt, perhaps as much as he found comfort in yours. Broken bottles make for terrible bedfellows despite the comfort they grant, you know. But, unlike you, stubborn one you are, you had run away from everything without looking back while he was left to pick up the pieces of his life and surround himself by people who loved and cared for him, and he had healed. And you, avoiding everything you left back in Azumano, tucked all your hurt away, behind the city lights and drinks and whatever business you had about you.

“The two of you are much better now. Satoshi’s become more sociable, and he’s been dealing with the situation regarding me much better than I initially thought he would. And you, despite insisting to carry everything yourself, have managed to push it aside and support someone else. To your own detriment, in my opinion, but I digress. The two of you have grown, in different ways considering your environments, but you still have some growing to do.”

Those words hurt. Having Kei single me out by saying that I hadn’t learned much during my six year absence was, in my opinion, the lowest blow he’d dealt to me yet even though I knew he meant well. Because it was true. I noticed the difference in my interactions with everyone once I was home: Risa was the vase no one could afford to break while Hiwatari had graduated to becoming an actual human being. He was the one initially trying to make amends while I ran away from him, so fixated on my memories that I didn’t expect him to have changed at all.

“Well, to be fair, Hiwatari probably still needs to grow considering how he’s been treating everything with you,” I croaked in a vain attempt to save face.

“He’s actually perfectly fine. He has every right, Harada-san; I was abusive to him. If anything, I deserve to get pummeled by him, but he managed to stay civil despite everything.

“But that is neither here nor there. Perhaps what I’m trying to say is to let someone in, to let someone become important to you and for you to allow yourself to become important to them in turn. And I don’t mean in a romantic sense, dear no. Let your friends, your family, in. Let them know. Let them walk hand in hand with you to help you heal. Allow yourself to become vulnerable, much like Satoshi had become with all the people dear to him, and everything should follow from there.”

By then, I had remembered the tea sitting on the nightstand. It had gotten cold from Kei talking, but I held it in my hands and took a sip.

A tear had landed into the mug, rippling the surface.

“Why are you lecturing me? Why couldn’t you just mind your damn business instead of ripping me apart at only God knows what time?”

“Because everyone deserves a chance at happiness and peace, don’t they?”

But I just kept crying while holding the mug. I only stopped when the tears wouldn’t form anymore, but I was still a hiccupping mess who probably looked like a banshee because I was sure my makeup was ruined.

Kei didn’t say anything. He just got up and headed to the restroom, handing me a makeup wipe and box of tissues before taking the mug from my hands. “You should change into something comfortable, too. I’ll heat this up and, if you want to, you’re welcome to join me outside.”

He closed the door behind him, and I cleaned my face and changed in the dark. Deciding that I maybe shouldn’t mope inside the room anymore, I took Kei up on his offer, joining him at the table. We spent the rest of that night/morning mostly silent, chiming up for small talk every now and then, while Kei typed away and I read.

Eventually, the sun had started coming out as I noticed my pages brighten even under the lights. I heard Kei tidy up and leave for a bit, but I kept myself focused on my book until I heard a set of footsteps.

“Would you like to grab breakfast with me?” he asked once I looked up to see that he had changed into something professional.

“Are you alright having just pulled an all-nighter?”

“A man must sacrifice every once in a while if his one true love in life is academia,” he joked. “Likewise, are you alright?”

“I’m physically tired, but my mind’s everywhere right now.”

“Well then, there’s nothing better than getting some warm food.”

“Are you paying?”

“Of course. I made you cry and might have just forced you to pull an all-nighter with me. It’s the least I could do to make up for that.”

And so, despite everything, I went to grab breakfast with Kei. He needed to have a break after being up all night, he told me as we headed to a café close to his university, so he didn’t mind not heading into work exactly at 8AM like he usually did.

Like always, I needed help ordering, but Kei was much nicer about it than Hiwatari was. I spent our meal talking to him about souvenirs, and he recommended that I drop by the flea market. He gave me the address once we finished our meal, and we went our separate ways.

Feeling much better after eating something, I decided to walk around instead of heading back to his apartment to get some rest. Vienna certainly felt different as I explored the city alone. I took my time walking down the streets, enjoying the weather, the storefronts…everything. I’d find myself window shopping at small boutiques I’d pass by under the pretense of researching for Ritsuko only for me to leave the store with a bag or two nestled in the crook of my elbow. This turned my trip of a good half-hour to several hours, and I felt the fatigue start to hit me once I reached my destination.

I ordered a pretzel, hoping lunch would give me some energy, before sitting down and pulling out my phone, expecting to check some stuff on social media before, hopefully, spending the rest of my afternoon souvenir shopping when I saw the flood of messages I had from Hiwatari wondering if I was okay. I was about to reply to them, with a teasing comment ready about him getting so worked up over it when—

“To think that I’d run into you here after you disappeared with Kei this morning. Perhaps I—Harada-san, are you alright?”

When I looked up to see Hiwatari, his angry expression and teasing lilt in his voice disappeared, giving way to concern. I thought I looked fine when I left the apartment this morning.

“Why ask?”

“You look like you’re about to pass out.” He put the bags next to me on the ground before sitting down. “Oh god. Did you pull an all-nighter?” Anger flashed on his face. “I swear, if Kei—”

“…he actually helped,” I whispered. “Please don’t blame him. It was my decision.”

Hiwatari looked astounded when I said that, but he calmed down immediately after. He took the pretzel and phone from my hand before gently cradling my head and positioning it on his shoulder.

“Go get some rest. We can—”

_Growl_.

I looked up at him, too tired to freak out about what was occurring but not tired enough to avoid the noise that came from his stomach. He cleared his throat as his face slightly reddened.

“You can have my pretzel, doofus,” I drawled.

“…thank you. Now get some rest.”

…

Hiwatari had actually planned on taking me to the Naschmarkt so that we could grab souvenirs before we headed back, so our meeting here just happened to work in his favor. Once I woke up, feeling much better than before, Hiwatari bought me a pretzel that I gobbled up in seconds, and he took my bags before heading for the stalls. I trailed behind him, walking past booths of trinkets that Hiwatari dismissed with a single glance.

I was glad that he was with me in case I needed help buying anything, but I wondered why he came here to shop for souvenirs; he looked so out of place amongst the cluttered tables.

“So, what’re you going to buy here?” I asked him as we quietly passed by a perfume stall.

“I need an engagement gift for Daisuke and Riku, and Takeshi said he’ll kill me if I didn’t get him something.”

“Why not just get him a souvenir from the airport?”

“He’d kick my ass if I got him something without much thought.”

We continued through the market until Hiwatari stumbled upon a pipe seller. There weren’t any stalls around that interested me, so I stayed close by, watching him as he haggled and finally paid.

“A pipe?”

“For our favorite busybody.”

“So…you got a pipe for someone who doesn’t smoke. I’m worried about what you’re going to give Riku and Daisuke.”

“A clock.”        

“ _Seriously_?”

“Knowing Daisuke, he’d appreciate the handiwork. And Riku wouldn’t mind as long as it fits her tastes.”

“But your first thought for an engagement gift was a _clock_?”

“It’s handcrafted from wood. It’s not just a clock; it’s art.”

We passed by a stall selling tea sets, and I stopped to admire them. One of them caught my eye: a white tea set adorned with pastel, blue roses and an intricate gold design along its scalloped edge, but I had gingerly put one of its cups down on its matching saucer since I wasn’t planning on buying anything there.

“You don’t want it?”

“It’s not what I’m looking for. Okay, I don’t even know _what_ I want to get for everyone back home, so I’ll look once you finish.”

After walking around, we found a stall filled with woodwork. Looking through the wares, I had to admit that getting the to-be-engaged couple a clock was a nice gift, but Hiwatari didn’t need to know that. I spotted a quaint music box with some sunflowers carved onto it, and I knew that I had to get this for Akane, so I waited for Hiwatari to wrap up his deal before grabbing his attention.

“I want this.”

He came over, picking up the music box and running his fingers across the design. “For Akane?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll take care of it; just give me your wallet, and trust me.”

I handed it over without much hesitation. “You better take damn good care of the fruits of my labor, you hear me?”

He didn’t hear or acknowledge me and called the seller over. Hiwatari’s frown only worsened as their conversation continued until the seller looked over at me. Her face lightened up and Hiwatari froze at what she was saying. He recovered and seemed to go along with her before he finally paid, tucking the music box into one of my bags.

“What happened back there?” I asked.

“You don’t want to know.”

I nodded before thanking him as we browsed through some more stalls for my souvenirs. We stopped at one carrying all sorts of crystal items, and I was mesmerized by their translucent shine.

“Sorry, Harada-san, but something caught my eye a while back. Could you stay out of trouble while I go buy it?”

“Just shut up and go!” I exclaimed, shoving him away. He smirked as he left, but now I was stuck here. Did I know anyone who would like something from here?

Takeshi and Ritsuko wouldn’t appreciate anything, so I knew I had to at least make one more stop before we left the flea market. Mrs. Emiko and mom would totally love a new addition to their crystal collection. Would Riku like something from here, too?

I decided to get matching crystal figurines for mom and Mrs. Emiko (because, you know, they’re going to be in-laws soon) but I still didn’t know what to get Riku. I didn’t want to get her a figurine since Hiwatari already bought her something decorative. There were some crystal serving bowls and plates she could use whenever she had guests over once she and Daisuke moved in together, but she seemed like the type of person to use minimalistic porcelain than opulent crystal. Maybe I could get her a vase, but which one?

Hiwatari luckily arrived, yet another bag in hand, and I asked him which vase I should get for Riku. I braced myself for a snarky remark about me having to choose my own gift, but he stayed polite and pointed to one with a slim silhouette. Agreeing with his choice, I told him what I wanted to get and watched him buy them for me.

“So, what’d you buy?” I asked him as we made our way to the exit. My lack of sleep was catching up to me again, and I didn’t know if I had enough energy to scour the place for Takeshi and Ritsuko’s souvenirs. If I couldn’t find something for them on the way out, they were going to get whatever I could find at the duty-free shop.

Besides, alcohol is always a safe bet for gifts.

“Something for Fukuda, Akane, Mrs. Emiko and your mother.”

“…you bought something for my mother? Are you trying to show me up? With my own family?”

“No? I just happened to see something and wanted to thank her for helping me these past few years.”

“Huh.”

“Yes. Anyways, I feel sorry that Fukuda’s just going to get a thoughtless souvenir from you. As if I’m not already on better terms with her than you…”

I slapped his arm, and he laughed just like always, but I nearly stumbled. He had his bag-covered arm out, ready to catch me in case I tripped, but I caught my balance right in front of a stall full of leather goods. Hiwatari bargained well for a padfolio and a pouch for Takeshi and Ristuko respectively, and I reveled in the fact that Hiwatari wouldn’t show me up before we took a taxi back to the apartment.

We returned, exhausted, with arms full of bags and me practically propped up by Hiwatari. Somehow, we made it up the stairs and to my room where we dropped off my bags while we ignored the silent attention of the older adults sitting at the dining table.

“Harada-san,” Kei called once I stepped into the dining area. “Do you and Satoshi have plans later?”

“Besides resting, I don’t think so. Why ask?”

“I have two tickets for a Ferris wheel ride—”

“No thank you!”

“—with a gourmet full course meal and bottle of champagne.”

I glanced over at Hiwatari, who only shook his head to urge me to decline. But I, a simple woman with simple pleasures, called out, much to my companion’s dismay:

“Yes, please!”

/…\

The last time I went to an amusement park was in the summer during my second year of high school. Riku, Hiwatari, and I tagged along with Daisuke’s rambunctious family (sans Grandpa Daiki) on their trip to Fuji-Q. Everyone had separated moments after we arrived, leaving me alone with Hiwatari by the entrance. I thought maybe even Argentine and Towa would’ve wanted to stay with us, but Argentine had apparently lost a bet to her, and she was determined to make this day a living hell for him as she dragged the poor guy away, cackling at the top of her lungs.

Hiwatari and I ambled around until I found the cutest tea salon in what seemed to be the Paris-themed area of the park. We headed upstairs, and I ogled over the menu while Hiwatari only looked at me, terrified that I may heavily insist that he pay for everything. And as much as I wanted him to, treating me as if we were on a date, I made sure to bring enough money in case I found myself in this situation.

“Okay, after I eat everything on this menu, what should we do?” I asked, putting the menu down.

“It’s up to you.”

“So let’s ride something.”

“I’d rather not, especially considering how much food you’re going to consume while we’re here. I don’t want to get my adrenaline pumping with a side of Risa spewing all over me.”

I pouted. “We don’t have to ride a roller coaster!”

“And leave Fuji-Q without screaming at the top of my lungs? Preposterous.”

“Then you choose!”

He examined the map he received at the entrance while I looked around. I smiled whenever they brought the desserts out and placed them in front of a little girl. Her face would light up, and her parents, like a wonderful domino effect, would glow as well. Unfortunately, there were mostly couples here, and seeing their happy faces only made me want to hurl, so I looked out the window to see the beautiful view of Mt. Fuji in the distance.

Ah…

“Let’s go to the haunted house.”

I turned to see him smirking. Hiwatari knew that I didn’t do well with anything remotely terrifying. He knew I wouldn’t say yes, so why would he suggest it in the first place? I mean, sure, it would give me an appropriate excuse to literally hang onto Hiwatari, but is it worth going through the horror? Wait, maybe he—?

Okay, Risa, I know how desperate you are for your crush to like you back, but come _on_. Hiwatari wouldn’t use something as cheap as going to a haunted house to get closer to the girl he likes, right? Or would he?

“I was joking, Risa,” he amended. “I’m sorry to have offered it. You turned pale at even—”

“Let’s do it.”

He looked at me in confusion but, before he could even ask what brought on this change of heart, a waiter began bringing my food out. And I dug in, enjoying each sweet, delicious bite while watching Hiwatari’s shocked expression only worsen as I kept eating plate after plate without slowing down.

Stuffed and ready to face my fears, we headed to the attraction only to see the ridiculously long queue for it. Before we could decide whether or not to brave through the wait, we stumbled upon Daisuke and Riku holding onto each other for dear life, faces even paler than Hiwatari’s, as they exited the attraction.

“Hey…?” I greeted.

“H-hey,” Riku managed. “Glad to run into you guys.”

“I’m sure,” Hiwatari mused. “Are you two hanging in there?”

They both shot him a look, but he just laughed. Once the couple had eventually calmed down and finally looked like their normal selves, they just shot me a knowing smile. Was it because they found us about to go in line for the haunted house or because I was alone with Hiwatari?

“So, planning on heading to the haunted house, huh?” Riku started.

“Were,” Hiwatari corrected. “The wait’s too long.”

“Aw, if you wanted to go, you should’ve just come with us,” Daisuke said. “Well, since we’re all here now, do you guys want to go to the Ferris wheel together?”

Riku smirked at me. I shoved her, probably with a beet-red face, and Daisuke only laughed while Hiwatari, unperturbed by my antics, looked on with his usual aloofness. As long as all four of us actually rode together, I’d be fine, so we headed towards the line for it and waited, talking about where the artworks and Daisuke’s parents could possibly be. And once we saw Argentine and Towa pass by, the former paler than crisp white sheets and the latter laughing maniacally, and Kosuke and Emiko holding hands and giggling as if they were blissful teenagers on a date, we stopped throwing out ridiculous stories and suggestions about their whereabouts before moving onto other topics of conversation. Eventually we made it to the front of the line, and when I saw Riku and Daisuke’s mischievous grins on their faces, I knew I’d been duped.

“Just these two, please! We’ll get onto the next carriage!”

And so, without putting up a fight, I found myself in a confined space, inching further from the ground across from Hiwatari. He looked out the window, admiring the view, and I looked at anything but him. Usually when we were alone, there was something I could focus on besides him, like the food at the tea salon earlier. But what else was there to do in a Ferris wheel besides give the person you’re with your undivided attention?

Honestly, this was worse than the haunted house.

“Risa, what’s wrong?” he asked with worry slightly lacing his voice. “You look troubled.”

“Nothing is wrong, I’m fine,” I answered, focusing on the serene mountain in the distance.

“No, you’re not.” He sighed. “Risa…”

The weight shifted in the carriage as Hiwatari moved over to my side. His hand rested so close to mine that I nearly exploded. I just wanted to take it and laugh and, while I had done that plenty of times before, this wasn’t the time. I couldn’t use my tendency to be overly affectionate now and be able to laugh it off.

“I’m worried about you,” he said.

“Well, please stop worrying, because I’m fine.”

The wheel stopped, and I looked down at the exchange of passengers. Honestly, I couldn’t believe that I started liking Hiwatari. Sure, he was thoughtful, but he wasn’t all that handsome. Okay, he was, but he wasn’t my type of handsome.

…oh, why do I keep lying to myself? His demeanor that I initially despised kept growing on me, and I ended up finding it more endearing than I ever wanted to admit to anyone. I had spent too much time trying to convince myself that I didn’t like him only to have the truth emerge with its ugly head, smirking at me whenever I stumbled and realized that, with each passing day, these feelings I tried to deny only kept growing.

“Risa, please? Was it the haunted house earlier?” I shook my head.

“…is it me?” he whispered. Hearing the worry in his voice, my stomach plummeted just as the pod jerked to a stop. “Did I do something wrong? You can tell me the truth, I can—”

Mustering up whatever courage I had left, I looked at him straight in the eye, trying to control the thumping of my heart from his face being so close to me. I had to hold back my tears from his expression, of the hurt and the worry pooling in his eyes, and I grabbed his hand and squeezed it as hard as I could.

“It’s not you. It’s me, okay? I like you, like really, _really_ , like you, so please…”

His somber expression disappeared into one of absolute shock and, maybe in any other situation besides this one, I would’ve totally relished in Hiwatari looking like a doe caught in headlights. Only then did the gravity of the situation hit me, and my hands flew to my face to hide my embarrassment and the tears beading up at the edges of my eyes.

“Oh my god. You didn’t hear that…” I mumbled, starting to curl up into a ball. “Please just reject me so we can forget about this and move on…”

He stayed silent until he cleared his throat. “I’m…sorry, Risa. I’m flattered, but I don’t feel the same way about you. You’re one my good friends: one of my best friends. Although I don’t think that’s much of a consolation.”

“Okay, I get it! Can you just move along with it?!”

“I’m not going to let something like this mar our relationship. So let’s just move on from this, okay? It’ll be like it never happened.”

I looked at him to see that gentle smile on his face, but it only made me want to cry more.

“I will say there is one thing that I can’t seem to get over though,” he started, and the tension stopped my urge to cry. “And that’s the absurd amount of desserts you’ve eaten today.”

My hands flew from my face to smack him, and the tears fell from the anxiety his words caused. “I like sweets, okay?! Leave me alone!” I cried, wiping my tears away.

“I’m worried that you’ll grow fatter and get diabetes when you get older. Should I really leave you alone to face that fate?”

With that stupid grin on his face, I had briefly forgotten about the accidental confession as we squabbled. Only when I climbed into bed that night did I remember what had occurred. The flood of emotions quickly followed, leaving me under the covers to deal with the aftermath that had finally caught up to me.

…

On the way to the Ferris wheel, we passed by a haunted house, and I laughed. Hiwatari just shot me a look at my sudden outburst as we walked through the fairgrounds, clearly out of place amongst the casually dressed children and their families. And when we made it to the quaint Ferris wheel, the nicely dressed attendant helped us get comfortable in our cabin before placing the beautifully plated appetizers on the table with a smile. After wishing us a wonderful meal in his accented English, he left us alone to enjoy the food and each other’s company during this candlelit dinner on a Ferris wheel.

I was floored within minutes of the dinner. The appetizer? Absolutely delicious. The view? Spectacular. But the company?

Well, a girl couldn’t have everything, now could she?

Across from me, Satoshi frowned. “At least someone is enjoying this,” he grumbled, taking a bite of his food.

“Of course! This is practically a perfect date for me!”

“Practically?”

“Well, I’m not exactly on a date right now, am I?”

A smirk appeared on Hiwatari’s face. Oh no. “Huh. Once upon a time, you would’ve melted at the thought of going on a date with me.”

“Hey!” I pointed my fork at him. “Low blow! That was years ago when I was embarrassingly stupid; leave younger me alone!”

He laughed, perhaps one of the few genuine ones I’ve seen since we arrived in Vienna, letting the mirth out as if he were with Takeshi. But his face fell only seconds after, as if his enjoyment was something he personally forbade himself from having, before returning to his food in silence.

…oh. How easy it was for us to fall into step from before.

Hiwatari kept silent for the rest of the revolution, managing to finish his food by the time we arrived on the ground. The waiter came in, replacing our empty dishes with the main course and pouring champagne into our flutes before shooting us yet another polite smile as we embarked on yet another go around.

“Risa,” he started. Hearing him say my given name gave me goosebumps. “I’m sorry about the past week. You had extended your help, and I took advantage of you because you were familiar: you were safe. It was selfish of me to expect you to support me to the extent that I needed you to without it taking a toll on you. No amount of facades can hide anything and, honestly, I don’t think I can hide behind them anymore.”

I wished he hadn’t brought this up in an enclosed space where I couldn’t escape. No amount of pouring my attention into the food before me or the view below me could take my mind of off the fear of where those words were leading to. I took a deep breath before taking a large bite, waiting for Hiwatari to break this awful silence and ruin this lovely evening for me.

“I was hopelessly in love with you once upon a time. So much so that I was scared of the consequences of getting close to you. And, at the time, I thought the only viable solution to this was to hurt you, so I decided to cut you out from my life.”

All my fears, sneaking suspicions, confirmed in the span of seconds. I nearly choked on the food in my mouth.

“Cruel and stupid, I know, but I thought it was the only way for me to guarantee that you would stay away from me, hopefully permanently, but look what’s happening now.” He let out a forced and pained laugh.

“…when?” I asked, my voice coming out as a whisper.

“Excuse me?”

“When did you realize your feelings for me?”

“…around the time you had the flu. I’d probably had them around for a while before then, please don’t ask me for how long, but that kiss confirmed it.” He let out another laugh. “I had over-indulged in my feelings for you in that moment because I pitied you; I wanted to make you happy, but who was I fooling? Ultimately, I was taking advantage of your feelings by putting myself in a position that kept me disconnected from you. But then everything started to blur together, and so I ran, guilty, ashamed, and terrified of everything.”

“You didn’t think to tell me you loved me?” I asked, hysteria lacing my voice. “You thought just stringing me along to your convenience, lying to everyone around us about our relationship before just kicking me out of your life without any forewarning, was better than doing something as simple as that?”

He didn’t say anything. I had forced myself to glance at him, even briefly, and he was looking down into his lap with a pained expression on his face.

“Satoshi, you drove me insane! Do you know how much of a nightmare it was to hear you tell me you loved me, to have you kiss me, to spend practically every evening together when you had established that you could never return my feelings?” I focused my gaze on the night lights of the Vienna skyline, trying so hard not to ruin my makeup with the tears threatening to fall or the nausea building up in my stomach. “I craved your affection so much that I couldn’t just stop even when I knew I should’ve. And when you started to treat me like that even outside of my bedroom, out in broad daylight, what was I supposed to think? Everything you did, even when you had already said that you didn’t truly love me, made me hold onto that stupid hope that maybe you really did return my feelings. And it was that damn stupid grain of hope that made it so impossible for me to just leave!

“So please, entertain me. What are your bullshit reasons for not just telling me that you were in love with me?”

I knew they weren’t bullshit reasons. I knew exactly what he was going to say before he opened his mouth, taking a deep breath to steel himself from the words I’d wished he had said moons ago. His voice rumbled, detailing the effects that Kei and Krad had on his life, how they had twisted him into a person who didn’t believe he was capable of loving or being loved in return or even deserving of such a basic human right. How hard it was for him to accept the important role that I had in his life. How much he had to stop himself from self-sabotaging that relationship: the dichotomy of treasuring someone and wanting them completely erased from your life. The assumptions and conclusions that I had come up with from countless hours of ruminating over a past I should’ve let go, needed to let go, all came true within the span of several minutes, tainting this stereotypically romantic dinner date with predictable melodrama and laughable irony.

When he finished, he looked at me with a soft, apologetic smile. Our main course had long been forgotten with the heaviness of this conversation: a cruelly fitting bookend to the events that transpired on that Ferris wheel all those years ago.

“I’m going to take a page from Kei’s book and say the words I should’ve said at that unfortunate dinner at the Niwa’s instead of blowing up at you. I’m sorry, and no words I could possibly articulate could ever make up for anything that has occurred. You had every right to push me away, and I had no right to barge back into the life that you’ve built without my presence. If you so wish, after this evening, you’re welcome to cut me out of your life; I don’t want to force you to continue giving me a chance, especially after I’ve told you all this.” He positioned his cutlery in his hands, ready to dig into the meal minutes before the end of this revolution. “You deserve to be happy, after all.”

We spent the rest of the main course in silence, somehow managing to finish a plateful of food in minutes. And once we had finally reached the ground, Hiwatari whispered something to the attendant before standing up from his seat.

“Goodbye, Harada-san.”

The finality of his words hit me as he left the carriage, and the attendant walked in, placing the desserts on the table before taking Hiwatari’s seat and giving me the biggest smile before I could even break down. Despite the obvious language barrier, we raved on about how delicious the dessert and champagne were and laughed about the silliest things, effectively keeping my mind off of what had occurred until we had finally made it back on the ground, stomachs filled with sugar and mouths too sore from smiling that I wanted to take this feeling in a balloon, skipping around and parading it as if it were the best thing ever. And my time with the attendant truly was until I stepped out, letting go of the balloon in the process, and feeling that joy slip away from me as it continued floating out of my reach until I could no longer see it.

I didn’t expect to see Kei waiting for me, book in hand and a rehearsed smile on his face. “Satoshi had told us—more accurately he told Kosuke, and I happened to be there—about what happened.”

“Where’s Kosuke?”

“With Satoshi since I’d forfeited any right to comfort my son a long time ago. If Kosuke could clone himself and be in two places at one time, I’m sure he’d be here instead of me. Unfortunately, you’ll have to make do with my presence.”

“Isn’t there a Hikari artwork that can do that?”

Kei laughed. “I’m sure there is, but I’m afraid I don’t have any of those in my possession besides that music box I had relinquished to you.” He had offered his arm, and I took hold of it if only to hold onto something, anything. “Harada-san, forgive me for continuing to rub salt into your wounds, but there is something that I must say. If you don’t want to hear it, you’re welcome to cover your ears and throw a tantrum.”

I had his arm in a vice grip and squished my cheek onto his upper arm, makeup staining his clothes be damned. He only laughed at my childish antics, saying something about how he wished he had a daughter before starting.

“In his pursuit of self-preservation, he had hurt you. Terrified of turning into what had hurt him, he had made a wrong turn and became the very monster he didn’t want to become. It’s a terrible case of ‘like father, like son,’ isn’t it?”

Maybe he had meant it as a well-meant observation or even as a joke to lighten the gravity of what had occurred, but it had stirred up the emotional flurry paralyzed by the tonal shift of my time with the attendant. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I had no control over them anymore. I screeched and sobbed into Kei’s arm, surely getting my makeup all over his clothes and making a scene on the street. Kei, either truly this genuinely kind or just trying to make up for his wrongdoings in the past, guided me back to his apartment as I broke down with each step, reassuring me that it was good to let my emotions out with whatever comforting words he had for me.

This was the closure I’d always wanted to have. This was the catharsis that I had desperately needed. But why did these tears only make me feel heavier? And for whose sake was I really crying for?

…

We stood at the drop off for departures. I adjusted my purse while Hiwatari and Kosuke took the luggage from the trunk of Kei’s car.

“Are you sure you have everything?” Kei asked me. He probably meant this generally in case Kosuke or Satoshi had forgotten anything, but asking me at least guaranteed him an answer.

“Posi—”

“Wait,” Hiwatari interrupted. He looked at Kei straight in the eye with the stiffest posture I’d ever seen. “Kei, I don’t forgive you, and I don’t think I ever will, but I don’t outright hate you, if that’s any consolation.” Hiwatari bowed. “Thank you for everything you’ve done in the past week. And if I’m ever back in Vienna or if you’re ever in Azumano, I would not be opposed to grabbing a coffee with you.”

Kei smiled. “Thank you, Satoshi. I’ll be holding you to that.”

Kosuke had come up to Hiwatari, patting the younger man on the back. The two of them, in stark contrast to how they interacted when we first arrived in Vienna, seemed to have worked things out. Thank goodness.

I didn’t expect Kei, whilst the other two men were busy chatting, to bow in front of me, and I could only look at him confused and concerned. “You may not be aware of it, but you’ve been a great help just by being here. Thank you very much for willingly getting caught up in this mess. Please take care of the music box but, more importantly, please take care of yourself.”

I bowed in response, flustered by this gesture. “Oh no! Thank you for everything you’ve done, really. And please take care of yourself as well!”

We both stood up at the same time and smiled at each other. I didn’t think that I would ever appreciate Kei, but he had done a lot for me in the past several days. More so than I would ever like to admit.

Kei said goodbye to Kosuke without much fanfare before offering Hiwatari a final farewell with a smile. Hiwatari returned the gesture reluctantly before the three of us left Kei and headed inside. Kosuke, as the resident “adult” of the group, took charge of checking us in while Hiwatari and I trailed behind like kids.

I looked over at Hiwatari only to find him staring right back at me questioningly. Did he expect to see me glued to my phone? Perhaps maybe people watching? Whatever he wanted from me, he certainly wouldn’t find it on my countenance.

But he didn’t say anything. He had somehow quelled his curiosity the moment our eyes met before moving to help Kosuke like an actual adult. True to his words from last night, he kept his space from me, but everything between us was so terribly stuffy and awkward that I couldn’t take it. If this was how any future interaction with Hiwatari was going to be, I’d rather amicably talk to him than suffer through this even after what happened last night.

Besides, it was finally time for me to leave the past in the past and take that desperately needed step forward.

Once Kosuke and Hiwatari finished checking our bags in, we headed over to security. Hiwatari, calmly and silently, offered to take my rolling suitcase with a simple glance. And once he had his hand wrapped around its handle, I grabbed his wrist. He looked at me, terrified, but I just offered him a smile.

“Good job with Kei, you know. And with the mess of this whole week. You did well.”

The shock on his expression disappeared as I let go of him. Hiwatari then shot me a smile as we followed Kosuke, the two of us in step, laughing and smiling, as he drilled me for details about how dessert went with the attendant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so glad to finally be done with this chapter. It was super, super hard to write, and I apologize for being so busy to work on it lol
> 
> The angst train will be taking a stop for now, so please look forward to some light-hearted chapters!


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